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Five Weird Things: Auburn Edition

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Now that the Aggies are back on the right track, let's get weird for Auburn.

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John Reed-USA TODAY Sports

5. Alabama fans have Auburn jokes. Terrible, Terrible Auburn Jokes

If you've been on this site for long enough, you know my threshold for humor could be considered low. We're not talking pun low, but it's pretty low. This isn't because of a lack of intelligence on my part (I don't think), it's just because I love to laugh. I'm generally the easiest laugh in the room on most occasions. But then I stumbled across this gem from an Alabama fan site and... well... good gravy these are just awful. Don't believe me? OK, let's play:

Q. What is the difference between an Auburn Fan and a puppy?
A. Puppys eventually stop whining.

Come on! OK, you're a tough crowd, but I think we have everyone warmed up. Let's go again.

An Auburn Man goes to Georgia and buys a ticket and wins the lottery. He goes to Columbus to claim it where the man verifies his ticket number. The Aubie says "I want my $20 million."  To which the man replied, "No, sir. It doesn't work that way. We give you a million today, and then you'll get the rest spread out for the next 19 years."  The Aubie said, "Oh, no. I want all my money RIGHT now! I won it, and I want it."   Again the man patiently explains that he would only get a million that day and the rest during the next 19 years.  The Aubie, furious with the man, screams out, "Look, I WANT MY MONEY!! If you're not going to give me my $20 million "right now," THEN I WANT MY DOLLAR BACK!!

IT'S FUNNY BECAUSE THE AUBURN FAN IS STUPID AND WOULD TAKE ONE DOLLAR INSTEAD OF ONE MILLION DOLLARS!

I don't even know what to do with this one:

Auburn Tigers 2011 Football Schedule


September 11.....Honeysuckle Middle School
18.....Cub Scout Troop 101
25.....Alabama Blind Academy

October 2......Spanish American War Vets
9......Crippled Childrens Home
16.....St Cloud Home for Wayward Girls
23.....Girl Scout Troop 469
30.....Columbus VD Clinic 43

November 6......Montgomery Boys Choir
13.....Korean War Amputees
20.....VA Hospital Polio Patients
27.....Utopia Gay Boys of SF


RULE CHANGES FROM LAST YEAR:

1. When playing the polio patients, the Tigers must not disconnect leg braces.

2. When playing the girl scouts, the Tigers must not eat their cookies.

3. When playing the blind academy, the Tigers must not hide the football under their jerseys.

4. When playing the Korean War Amputees, the Tigers must not file any protests about players with one leg being hard to tackle.

RULES SAME AS LAST YEAR:

1. A touchdown, (this is when the ball is carried over the goal line for you Tiger fans), is still worth 21 points for the Tigers.

2. The Tigers will play with 27 men on the field.

3. The Tigers will be allowed to use band members for substitutes.

4. The Tigers will be allowed 20 time-outs.

5. A first down for the Tigers is 3 yards.

This is a joke written by an Alabama fan about how easy Auburn's schedule is... and they left Bama off the schedule. I mean, I guess there was no room for truth with all the hilarity in the faux institutions listed above. What a riot. What I'm saying is, at least some of the Aggie jokes are funny. I'm sorry, Auburn. I'm sorry your state killed comedy.

4. They Buy Stuff!

Other fans... THEY'RE JUST LIKE US! They buy weird stuff to show how their fandom supersedes yours. See, the biggest fan always owns the biggest collection of... shit. Ask any Aggie in line with you at [name store of your choice, I won't, as to not alienate any potential sponsor]. This article from reputable news source AL.com shows us the 12 weirdest things Auburn fans have purchased... that are safe for publication on AL.com.

Any true fan wants their newborn to spit up all over school colors. It's OK, there's a joke on the cloth! And this item, it's just nuts! And what discerning Auburn lady wouldn't want to show school pride before sealing the deal with her partner of choice. That last one isn't weird, though. You're welcome for the boost in sales this week, JD Creations.

3. Mixed Mascot Syndrome

They're the Tigers... but WAR EAGLE? What college would have a multiple confusing mascots? No, Rev doesn't count, sir! But honestly, the War Eagle isn't weird, it's pretty damn cool I went to the game last year and watching that majestic creature take flight before a game was one of the most unique traditions I've ever seen in college football. Very cool.

2. You Play To Tie The Game

Rush alerted me to the 1988 Sugar Bowl, in which Auburn took on the Syracuse Orangemen in a battle for the ages. While the game went back and forth, the game came down to one second left, and Auburn had to choose between going for the win, or kicking the 30 yard field goal for the tie. Auburn, in one of the ballsiest coaching decisions ever recorded, opted for the tie. This enraged the Syracuse fans so much that a local radio station sent then Auburn coach Pat Dye 2,000 "ugly ties" in protest. He, in turn, autographed the ties and auctioned them off, raising $30K for charity in the process. This is the ultimate Tie Dye job.

Maybe I should write Auburn jokes.

1. Do These Fumbles Make My Butt Look Big?