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5 Weird Things - Alabama

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It's Bama week, y'all. Let's talk about some weird things from the Yellowhammer State.

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Nick Wants 5 Weird Things
Nick Wants 5 Weird Things
Marvin Gentry-USA TODAY Sports

This week posed a big challenge for 5 weird things. First, coming off a bye week, my rhythm was so thrown off that I completely forgot to put it together after returning home from a Rangers game that we will not discuss any further. Secondly, I knew that my normal internet sleuthing wouldn't cut it for Alabama, and that I had to turn to the only source for meaningful information on any topic: Twitter.

5. Unlawful Wrestling/Lawful Marriage

That title is the tip of the iceberg when it comes to weird Alabama laws. Yes, we're back with DumbLaws.com thanks to JohnnyKarate05's suggestion for this week. If you click here, the first thing that will pop out at you is that it's unlawful to wrestle bears in Alabama. Some of you are dragging the folder marked "Potential Bear Wrestling Venues - Alabama" from your desktop into the trash as you're reading this. I know because I did the same thing.

While you may not be able to quench your thirst for wrestling an unbeatable ursine opponent, it's still legal to marry into an incestuous relationship. That's right, folks. If you're tired of living in fear that your child's eyes might be the normal distance apart, fret no more. You, too, can stop that blasted family tree from forking legally in Alabama. Roll damn family reunion.

4. Abandoned Movie Set!

It has been a dream of mine since about 10 minutes ago to visit the fictional town of Spectre, featured in the movie Big Fish, a film I have never seen. I understand that it's an enjoyable, inspiring romp that I would enjoy, I just haven't gotten to it yet. Provided that I one day see the movie and become so inspired, I'm glad to know that directions to its abandoned movie set are provided on the internet, and that they lead you to Alabama.

I do not advocate vandalism or destruction of property in any way, shape, or form; however I do think this would be the perfect venue for one of the most epic paintball games ever to be played. I think this game would be made even more epic if the blogger community from Roll Bama Roll would like to take on some of us at Good Bull Hunting in a spirited match, culminating with the camaraderie that can only ensue following the obliteration of at least 3 barrels of fine bourbon.  So maybe I do advocate the destruction of property, if it's for team building and general goodwill toward other SEC blogs.

Or maybe we both team up against Zombies, because you can totally do that in Alabama. That's not weird, that's just awesome:

3. Guin vs Gu-Win

Let's take a look at the map. COMPUTER, GO!

Guin/Gu-Win

They're different. See?

Jason, thank you for this suggestion. It lead me to an article from AL.com written by author and humorist Kelly Kazek, who you can follow to find even more weird stories from Alabama. The town of Guin wanted to annex the town of Ear Gap (it gets better), and the Ear Gap-ians were growing ever nervous about this proposition. To prevent annexation, the town incorporated and renamed themselves Gu-Win (IN YOUR FACE, GUIN) to prevent the owner of the Gu-Win Drive-In from having to buy a new sign.

Gu-Win - 1 Guin - 0.

The only thing I regret about reading this article is that Kelly didn't go deeper into the etymology of the towns of Slapout, Smut-Eye, and Frog Level. Honestly, I'm most focused on the town of Smut-Eye and how the proposed WB drama Smut-Eye High didn't past the pilot stage of program development. That show would have totally murdered Dawson's Creek in the 13-18 year-old male demographic.

2. Anything From @StrangeAlabama

You know your state is weird when you have a Twitter account dedicated to the weird goings on in your state (I think this is run by the aforementioned Kelly Kazek). Let's just take a look at their recent offerings.

#haunted #dolls #scare #the #shit #out #of #me. Apparently they scare the shit out of Ashley Nicole-Fine's boyfriend as well, because he claims that two of those dolls ATTACKED HIM IN HIS SLEEP and has subsequently banned her from keeping the spawn of Chucky in the bedroom. Look, bro. I'm no horror movie buff, but when a doll can attack you in your sleep, I don't think the protective barrier of a door is going to keep the doll-demons from getting to you.

This is when you say, "I break up," douse the entire house in gasoline, flick a Bic, and run-do-not-walk away from the situation as it goes up in tremendous flames. It's also probably a good idea to get spiritually cleansed by a holy person from every denomination of every religion you can find. Demonic possession is not a situation in which we cut corners, son.

Why is this weird? This is why it's weird.

Helen Keller is from Alabama. She deserved a better tagline to this movie.

1. Mardi Gras Started in Mobile

Suck it, New Orleans. Mardi Gras was going on in Mobile in 1703, some 27 years earlier than the first recorded Mardi Gras in NOLA. Mobile's festival even features Mystic Societies like the Comic Cowboys of Wragg Swamp. Tell me you don't want to be a part of the Comic Cowboys. OK, fine. You told me, but you also just lied.

BONUS TWEET FOR GOOD MEASURE