An Honest Presser from Coach Dennis Downer on National Signing Day

On Wednesday you are going to hear a whole lotta optimism across the country from coaches about their newly-signed recruiting classes. Each coach will boast about how they got the RIGHT GUYS for their program. "Fit". "High integrity". So much excitement. Truth is, not every class can be good. Some are actually quite bad. Today, we hear from the head coach of one of those bad classes.

SCENE: Head Football Coach of State University Tech addresses the media for his annual National Signing Day press conference.

"Thank you all for being here. Not like you had much else to do in this flyover dump.

[Faint Maker’s Mark belch]

But still – thanks. I know the free snacks are important to you husky journos. Gotta feed the beast.

Today I’m here to discuss our 2015 recruiting class. I’m going to be frank – this is a very forgettable group of young [air quotes] men. I’d put their ceiling somewhere around Anchorman 2. Big budget, little foresight, a commitment to laziness, and atrocious execution. That’s what I expect if I’m being real with you right now.

Now don’t get me wrong – I don’t fault these recruits. It’s not their fault that they come from bad genes in Bumfuck, Nowhere. This is mostly a result of my staff mailing it in for a year on the recruiting trail. If we were recruiting ghoulish, crabs-riddled townie women, then we’d have the #1 class in the country right now.

My staff has done a commendable job offending this great state’s high school coaches through their lack of follow-through and drunken antics when they actually showed up to scout and recruit. It’d be nice if I walked into just ONE recruiting film session with these dipshits and they weren’t enveloped in YouPorn or Two and a Half Men.

Let me address the recruiting ranking services for a moment. They did the heavy lifting that my coaching staff refused to do in their evaluations. Yes, our top recruit in this class is a 3 star with 3 felonies. Even Texas Tech passed on him for character and academic risks. The bulk of this class didn’t even merit a star ranking from Rivals or 24/7.

If I wanted to dazzle you oafish scribes, I’d roll out a few blocking sleds today. It’d sure as shit be more impressive than this merry band of idiots that we signed.

The feedback on our efforts has not gone unnoticed. I have received a bottle of Johnnie Walker Blue and Masters passes from two of our most bitter rivals. One even signed his card with "thanks for representing the FCS program in our scheduling". What a dick.

What’s most bothersome is the lack of desire from our staff, administration, and boosters to even cut corners. Now that, chunky lackeys, is laziness. And Lord knows a degree in laziness gets you about as far as a degree in journalism.

If we don’t get [air quotes, again] creative [winks] with our approach to recruiting through slush funds and other means, we are royally effed. Our program has nothing to honestly sell. Calling this town a "dump" is an insult to landfills. Our fans are halfwit, mouth-breathing imbeciles. We blow through our athletic department budget with the responsibility of a coked-out, new-money divorcee with a botched boob job.

The young men in this class can look forward to getting their brains beaten in against our competition. Fortunately, a degree from this institution is about as valuable as a sentence in GITMO but with less promise for intimacy. I applaud their sacrifice to join us here.

Fortunately for them, they’ll get a new hack in a year or two to play for. As for me? I’ll rejoin Bob Stoops or Jimbo Fisher’s staffs. You know a place sucks when Norman and Tallahassee seem like an Oasis.

Did I give you enough material for a plug-and-play narrative-feeder story, you dolts?

At this time, I’ll open up the floor for questions. Go State Tech."