THE HORROR... THE HORROR... Dr. Camacho has captured the true nature of crootin' season for us this morning. If you want to survive, remember: never get off the boat, and never tweet recruits.
WHY NOT MENTION THE DEAD BODIES MIKE "DISPOSED" OF WHILE YOU'RE AT IT
Full Shaq quote on his time at LSU: "Yes, they paid very well. Statute of limitations is up. I can talk about it...That’s right baby, LSU."— Baxter Holmes (@BaxterHolmes) January 26, 2016
Yes, the statute of limitations, a term which does not apply to the NCAA anyway, is probably up. I spoke directly with the LSU AD and they wanted to extend their thanks to Shaq for bringing this up - yet again - in a highly public format.
IF HE DOES THEN HE'S TERRIBLE AT IT The Shield is investigating Peyton Manning for using PEDs, which based on his physique must be the only thing keeping him alive at this point if he is using them.
COMPARED TO AUSTRALIA WE ARE ALL PURITANS Remember how Johnny Manziel was evil because he had champagne with his friends one weekend when he was supposed to be home reading playbooks and reciting Bible verses to Mike Pettine over the phone? Then he took a picture of his dog and possibly lied about where he was that one time and was thus a piece of shit? On the scale of interesting sports personalities that lands him squarely at a 3, whereas if he had simulated sex with that dog after urinating on the couch he'd have shot right to an 8 or 9 - a land occupied exclusively by rugby players and southeast-Asian men playing sports you could never understand.
GOD NEEDED SOMEONE TO PLAY A MISCELLANEOUS ELDERLY CHARACTER So far in 2016 we've said goodbye to supervillain Alan Rickman, character actor David Margulies, guitarist Glenn Frey, and rock alien David Bowie. Yesterday we added Abe Vigoda to the list - yes, we checked and it's real this time - because somewhere up in heaven they needed someone to teach the angels deadpan delivery and appear in single episodes of 47 different shows. The world laughed with you, Abe, never fully appreciating how much you were laughing right back at them.