THE HERO DALLAS DESERVES All signs point to Johnny Football getting sweet, blissful release from the Cleveland Browns this off season, and an online campaign is trying to bring Manziel to the Dallas Cowboys because we live in a world where selling a t-shirt counts as activism. As a Cowboys fan the idea is seductive; as a JFF fan the strip club champagne room of Texas is admittedly probably not a great environment. Choose wisely here because if there's anything Jerry Jones listens to, it's an online petition from his fans and not his demonic puppeteer.
IT'S LIKE BLUE BELL BUT GROSS No word yet on how much noted not-Freebirds restaurant chain Chipotle will be charging to add salmonella, E. coli, and norovirus to your burrito.
AT LEAST THEY'RE NON-GMO AND GLUTEN FREE The Oregon militia continues to occupy a corner of the country you were unaware of until two weeks ago, fighting for the freedom of all Americans against the tyranny of America. Thing is, Americans have a tendency to decide for themselves which causes are worth taking up and which ones are worth mocking by shipping copious piles of dildos to 'resupply' these 'patriots'. Say what you want about that city to the west, they did get an angry felon to say "bag of dicks" from inside a militant compound and that is of inherent value.
(HT to @TelcoAg for the gif)