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A Redass Aggie's Fantasy Football Team

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How many points do you get for punting yards in this league?

Kim Klement-USA TODAY Sports

Shield ball is lame. Nothing about the No Fun League is nearly as engaging and exciting as the camaraderie of college football. But until college players are no longer treated like serfs and allowed to profit off their own image and name, we will continue to operate under the NCAA Bylaws Section 1063.10.2.1 La La La Can't Hear You La La La rule which states that all video games must pretend that Texas A&M QB #2 is not Johnny Manziel and Yahoo! can't create college football fantasy leagues.

Sure there's a guy in your office who's willing to set up and run a college fantasy league if you're interested. He'll even aggregate stats and manually input points for each team. Ask yourself if you really want to give that guy a reason to speak to you, though.

The only recourse for a True Redass Aggie is to draft the most Aggie fantasy team possible. Well here's your team, and if done in the right order it is guaranteed that every single one of these players will be available when your pick comes up. You are also guaranteed to get tens of points each week.

ROUND 1: MIKE EVANS, WR, TB

Send your league a message that all of their mock drafts were useless with a first round WR pick. The first of at most three Aggies with actual fantasy value, big Mike will spend all season making catches so amazing that people will actually think highly of Jameis Winston.

ROUND 2: RYAN TANNEHILL, QB, MIA

Yes, there is another QB in The League, but this is a draft for True Aggies who frown on all of those off-the-field shenanigans. A real Aggie QB is hard-working, intelligent, married to a supermodel, and looks like he parked a John Deere in the players' lot.

ROUND 3: MARTELLUS BENNETT, TE, CHI

Sure, third round seems a little early for a TE, but this is MARTY B we're talking about! The last of the fantasy-viable Aggies, [checks notes] Bennett actually led the league in receptions by a TE last year? Wow. Plus you already follow him on Twitter and so can gauge how he's feeling when deciding to play him but ALWAYS PLAY HIM OR YOU ARE A BAD AGGIE IMO GO BACK TO AUSTIN SMH.

ROUND 4: JORVORSKIE LANE, RB, TB

Three rounds in and you haven't drafted a player who once tackled a car thief and lectured him while serving a suspension for PED's. What the hell kind of team is this? Plus in J-Train we have another player who will likely actually start, albeit as a blocking back. Those get points too, if you're in the saddest league that ever was.

ROUND 5: VON MILLER, LB, DEN

With his production, Miller is a steal in the fifth round. Your fellow league members may insist that this isn't an IDP league, but a real Aggie finds a way to use the best weapons available. Put him in as your flex player and insist that the scoring rules include 2 points per sack and 5 points per gif-able dance.

ROUND 6: RANDY BULLOCK, K, HOU

Starter - check
Texan - check
Aggie - check
WEARS RED WHITE AND BLUE TO THE GAME LIKE AN AMERICAN - BIG OL' CHECK

ROUND 7: UZOMA NWACHUKWU, WR, HOU

Yes EZ is only on the practice squad. He's also awesome, and arguably the best Aggie Twitter follow of them all, and close personal friend of GBH we like to pretend. You can pick him or you can pass on him, much like how Highway 6 runs both ways.

ROUND 8: SEATTLE SEAHAWKS, DEF, SEA

The only other team with as many Aggies on the active roster is Houston, and we've already drafted two Texans. As per standard league rules, make sure that after selecting Seattle you engage in a forced, lengthy debate about whether players in Washington should be required to pass a recreational drug test. If it's legal by the state then it should be legal by the employer, brah.

ROUND 9: TREY WILLIAMS, RB, WAS

Look, this team is going to be so dominant from top to bottom that you gotta spot your opponents at least one player who will see from zero to two carries per game. Besides, them libdems up in the capital ain't seen none of that SEC speed so two carries is all it'll take!

ROUND 10: JOHNNY MANZIEL, QB, CLE

Yes this is definitely his year and yes he has surely turned over that leaf we keep hearing about and yes we have seen him in training camp and yes he is really focused and yes this is definitely his year again. Regardless, Johnny Football is a bench player on this team because even the Cleveland Browns would bench the Browns if they could.

ROUND 11: JOSH LAMBO, K, SD

Always have a backup kicker. That's, like, fantasy football 101.

ROUND 12: DAMONTRE MOORE, DE, NYG

You can try to keep DaMonster out of your team if you want. Offensive lines try the same thing every week, son.

ROUND 13: SHANE LECHLER, P, HOU

Check and mate.