SEC Media Days 2015: Day 1 Recap

The SEC Security Detail was unable to fix the glitch from last year and so I was once again given a badge and told that I could sit in a room full of people taking sports very seriously and mock them. This is like Good Bull Hunting Christmas, and there is a hot take under every tree.

Here's what happened in Day 1.

SEC COMMISSIONER GREG SANKEY

For a much more in-depth analysis of what Greg Sankey had to say to the gathered crowd you can read this. The short version is that Crossfit enthusiast Sankey managed to speak to other human beings without mentioning Crossfit once, which makes him the first. He hit on the requisite number of corporate talking points, honored Mike Slive while firmly entrenching himself in position, and quoted Bob Dylan. This man comes from a similar background as his predecessor and with any luck is destined for a similar reign.

WHAT HE SAID

[The athletic departments] have created production facilities that are connected to the SEC Network's headquarters by over 23,000 miles of fiber cable. I told you about influencing the world. We have a subcategory of goals where we want to circle the world with fiber cable, and we're about 1,900 miles short right now but on good pace.

WHAT WE WISH HE SAID

AND ONCE THE FIBER CABLE NOOSE IS COMPLETE WE WILL HOLD THE WORLD HOSTAGE UNTIL THEY RECOGNIZE THE SOVEREIGNTY OF THE SOUTHEASTERN DICTATORIAL REPUBLIC AND HALT ALL TRADE EMBARGOES!

AUBURN HEAD COACH GUS MALZAHN

Coach Malzahn is our early leader in the Saying Words Without Giving Answers Championship. After opening statements that were missed by anyone who grabbed a cup of coffee he opened the floor up to questions which he answered with the obscurity of the best lawyers and politicians. He spoke glowingly of his defense, both the veteran players and defensive coordinator Will Muschamp. On the offensive side of the ball he acknowledged some personnel losses that will be difficult to recover from.

He also totally called out Bob Holt which immediately earned him favor in the room.

WHAT HE SAID

Defensively in the off-season we hired Will Muschamp, in my opinion the best defensive mind in all of football, not just college football.

WHAT WE WISH HE SAID

We wanted to bring him here today but he's not up on his shots so he would have had to stay in his crate all day and he just hates that thing.

FLORIDA HEAD COACH JIM MCELWAIN

Coach McElwain wasted no time in managing expectations, making it clear that even he does not expect immediate returns on Florida's investment in him. He complimented Will Muschamp for some of the things he did with the program, which presumably must refer to getting the rats out of the equipment shed. The media was so excited to listen to Steve Spurrier tomorrow that they decided to ask McElwain several questions about Spurrier.

Milquetoast is not exactly the right word to describe Jim McElwain, but it's in the right neighborhood. He just wants everyone to do their best and give 100% and you all get snow cones at the end of the game yes even if you lose. Florida is understandably ready to leave the Muschamp era behind, and they have bet hard in the opposite personality type.

WHAT HE SAID

I think part of the experience of being in this conference is realizing it doesn't happen just overnight. It's something that we know. And yet every time we go to work every day, every time we wake up, our responsibility is to try to go out there and win.

WHAT WE WISH HE SAID

Listen, alls I said is I could fish your offense outta tha ditch. Ain't no promise I can get her runnin' again.

VANDERBILT HEAD COACH DEREK MASON

Coach Mason's press conference was a rare opportunity to listen to a man attempt to prevent his own firing two years in advance. The persistent theme was that the Commodores really are improving even if you can't tell it by results or projections or any metric known to science, mathematics, or statistics. He also took great pains to remind everyone about the great academics at Vanderbilt. That is a large umbrella, but it can still only keep a coach dry for so long.

WHAT HE SAID

I know it's disappointing, the season we had a year ago, but that's a comma. It's a comma, okay, and not a period. This football team has definitely done the things that we need to do in order to get ourselves back on track and be exactly what we want to be.

WHAT WE WISH HE SAID

What we would really like to be is a semicolon. Now THERE'S a great punctuation mark! And you know who knows how to properly use a semicolon? A Vanderbilt grad, that's who.

GENERIC COACHSPEAK OF THE DAY

Every day we will take a look at the most generic full answer given by a coach to a specific question. Only names will be redacted. Without looking it up, can you guess which team this is?

I think the bottom line is winning games, and I think you, as successful coaches, no matter whether you're playing fast or slow, you've got to determine what's best for your team. I think we've been very successful doing that. You look now at pace. Just about everybody in our league has some type of tempo, even the teams that used to gripe about it are actually doing it now. So it's something that you've got to get used to it. And [REDACTED], I get with both of them, and we talk about what their needs are going into the season, what do we need? We're going to do that. So I feel very good about that.