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WHO SHOULD REPLACE CHARLIE STRONG?

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We're just here to help.

After a disemboweling in Fort Worth this weekend put the Longhorns at their worst start in decades, fans got understandably upset. And as we can all attest, the first and only solution in a fan's mind is to start firing people from the top down because that has worked a non-zero number of times.

So of course this happened:

Sure, Chip Kelly would be a homerun hire and becomes more and more attainable as Demarco Murray's YPG average stays below his shoe size. But on the off chance that the head coach of the Philadelphia Eagles doesn't take the job, it's important to have some backup plans.

Keeping with the grand tradition of hiring only the most competent search committees to make important hires such as Charlie Strong and Steve Patterson, Texas has commissioned Good Bull Hunting to narrow down the initial list of potential hires. Let's take a look at the hot board.

JIM MORA

Jim Mora UT

PRO: As a currently successful coach of a P5 team ranked in the top 25, he is obviously looking to get out of a bad situation. Also he lives in California, which is bad for reasons.

CON: After their last coaching search Mora has already set the utexas.edu domain to filter to spam.

MACK BROWN

PRO: Blaming all his problems on Mack Brown saves everyone a lot of time. And his key to the athletic facilities still works.

CON: Would have to give up a sweet analyst gig. Also, after the way things ended a few years ago Magnolia Cafe stopped comping his breakfast tacos.

OK we admit these are obvious and kinda small potatoes. Let's start dreaming big.

LES MILES

Les Miles UT

PRO: LSU fans are always unhappy with Miles for reasons that are undetectable to anyone outside of Baton Rouge. Normal by local standards, Miles already prefers organic non-GMO wheatgrass smoothies every morning and so would fit right in.

CON: Not really a fan of Austin.

NICK SABAN

Nick Saban UT

PRO: Definitely absolutely interested.

CON: Saban really liked a lot of Steve Patterson's policies, but felt that he was a little too "touchy-feely".

Hmmmm... still not big enough. Gotta think farther outside the box here.

JIMMY MCGINTY

Jimmy McGinty UT

PRO: McGinty knows how to turn a ragtag bunch of misfits into champions. He's also willing to look past a few off-the-field or on-the-field infractions.

CON: He once told Jerrod Heard that he had "inches and inches of heart".

KNUTE ROCKNE

Knute Rockne

PRO: Rockne is the only coach on heaven or earth worthy of the universal approval of Longhorn fans.

CON: Out of principle Knute would also let Notre Dame hang 38 on Texas. He doesn't care for the way that Big XII spread offenses require use of gimmicks like the forward pass. He is also dead (still makes him a move in the right direction).

WAIT WAIT WAIT WE HAVE IT WE KNOW WHO SHOULD BE TEXAS' NEW COACH.

Who can bring hard-hitting defense back to the 40 acres?

Who knows the program inside and out, to the point that he was once "head coach in waiting"?

Who will probably be looking for a job soon anyway?

Who left his chew toy in the locker room 5 years ago?