This Saturday was delightful, as I watched college football all afternoon without a soul-crushing Aggie Football defeat.
You might say "Well, that's silly. They didn't lose because they didn't play."
And I would reply... by putting fingers in my ears and screaming like a petulant child, while secretly respecting you for using the word silly in our increasingly vulgar culture.
Hypothetical me is a complex individual.
But I digress. Quick shout-out to SBNation Longhorn blog Burnt Orange Nation, who decided to mock another program's shutout woes knowing full well that they support a football team led by Tyrone Swoopes. Bold move.
And if any horn readers are wondering why we didn't drop that note in a weekly feature designed to make fun of them... it's because we don't have one. Imagine that.
On to week eight!
5) Sunday morning NFL (better than the cheesy pregame shows, more football, British people shoehorned into American culture)
Did anyone else absolutely love the NFL schedule this week? The London game (830am kick CST) was an awesome addition. As a soccer fan I'm worried that early-morning NFL would absolutely destroy the casual EPL audience, but as an American male I don't care because getting three extra hours of NFL trumps everything.
Morning hangovers and pro football have been separate parts of this culture for far too long, and we finally found a magical way to put the two together. After this year, I'd be surprised if a London game ever gets a stateside noon kickoff again.
4) Don Muhlbach (Successfully snapped the football on the Lions' game winning field goal. Deeply.)
I'd been waiting for a chance to add ol' Don to this article, and he finally delivered. But he didn't just nail the deep snap once, mind you. Oh no. When the first game-winning attempt was called off for a delay of game, Muhlbach waltzed right up to the line and put another strike on the holder's numbers. Because that's how deep snappers roll.
For more information, let's consult the SBNation Detroit Lions blog "Pride of Detroit." They ran an article entitled, "Where does Don Muhlbach rank among long snappers?" which is a real article that actually exists.
[Spoiler alert: The answer is "good starter"]
3) Christine Michael (4 carries, 12 yards, jostling for position as the Lynch era crumbles)
Multiple sources have reported that Marshawn Lynch will not return to the Seahawks next season, which leaves a decidedly Marshawn Lynch-sized hole in the 2015 Seattle running game. The next man up? For my money, it's our own Christine Michael.
The Aggie RB hasn't been getting a ton of reps lately as his skill set doesn't fit the "third down back" compliment that Seattle needs in the short term, but I'm still betting that he'll head in to camp next year with a good shot at becoming the 20-25 carry bellcow.
As we all know, he has all the talent in the world. Perhaps he'll finally get his opportunity.
2) Martellus Bennett (6 receptions, 95 yards, touchdown)
Money B found the end zone this week, but it was in another losing effort. And since the Bears locker room is currently a real life version of the Bull Durham "lollygagger" speech, that might be the ongoing theme of Bennett's season.
1) Jorvorskie Lane (1 car robbery stopped, 1 youth mentored)
Good morning class. Who wants to watch a news story about Jorvorskie tackling the poor soul who attempted to steal his car?
[entire GBH readership raises both hands violently quickly, drawing furitive glances at work]
Good, that's what I thought. Here you go.
I would be remiss to not point out my favorite snippets
"I had to wrestle him a little bit," Lane said. "But I just used my football technique and it was over with."
"He tried to get me to let him get away but I said, 'You made your mistake, now you have to be punished,'" Lane said.
The article also touches on an in-depth conversation Lane had with the boy while waiting for the authorities, and Jorvorskie posted this update on the following morning
Kudos, J-Train. Good luck with the second half of your season.
0) Von Miller (2 tackles, sack)
Yes, Von is in 0th place. When you post a sack in six straight games, conventional ranking parameters no longer apply.
Denver Broncos (@Broncos) October 24, 2014