GBH WATCHLIST: WEEK 2

James Gardner

USC (14) at Stanford (13) | Saturday | 2:30 PM | ABC

Why I’m Watching

Well hot damn the Trojans can SCORE (sophomoric lulz). The Kiffin/Orgeron era/panic room is over. Coach Sark took the under-utilized talent in Los Angeles and pasted a decently coached Fresno last week 52-13. Stanford millionaires can appreciate forward-thinking innovation, but only when it is faithful to six sigma efficiency principals and prudency. As such, the Cardinal will play punishing, glacial football in beautiful weather in front of dozens of wealthy, meek nerds drinking expensive fermented grape juice.

How I’m Watching

Probably in the heat at the in-person GBH THE TAILGATE. I’ll be the one pestering Doug Keegan for bookie tips and table-topping Lamar fans.

What I’m Consuming

Waffles?

Michigan at Notre Dame (16) | Saturday | 6:30 PM | NBC

Why I’m Watching

Boy do I hate the Wolverines. Right up there with the Horns and Buffs and Trojans. Such a smarmy bunch. This game is going off the schedule for the foreseeable future, which is unfortunate. I live by the Grecian maxim that schools who hate each other should play each other in football.

How I’m Watching

Flipping between Ags-Lamar and this game.

What I’m Consuming

Probably a plate of fajitas with fresh jalapeños and many Topo Chicos. Things get wacky after 30, y’all.

Texas Tech at UTEP | Saturday | 10 PM | Fox Sports 1

Why I’m Watching

You’re telling me university administrators deemed it OK for the Red Raiders and UTEP Taco Longhorns to play super late in American Juarez? WHAT COULD GO WRONG. Aren't there curfews and ankle monitor bracelets that need to be accounted for? This is a delicious recipe for catastrophe. Put the family to bed, get out a vial of mescaline, and get weird.

How I’m Watching

Hopefully sharing a peace pipe with some dicey characters who just need to "cool their heels for a while in Old Mexico until some shit blows over".

What I’m Consuming

Mescaline, carne asada, and Blue Bell

Dr. Norris Camacho

WHAT I'M WATCHING:

Wazzu @ Nevada, Friday, 9:30 PM, ESPN

Why I'm Watching:

Because Mike Leach. Because 9:30 PM games in the desert are part of why I love college football so much. Because it might be the last full game I get to see in real time all weekend.

How I'm Watching:

Comfortable, sans pants, on the couch, resting.

What I'm Consuming:

Leftover Labor Day stuffs from the lake: lunchmeats, cheeses, crackers, dips, and a dinged-up can of Lone Star Light maybe.

Ole Miss @ Vandy, Saturday, 3:30 PM

Why I'm Watching:

Is Vanderbilt really going to be this bad again? Is Ole Miss going to live up to expectations? This game will probably tell us none of that, but then again Vandy might win. Plus it's the only conference game this week.

How I'm Watching:

In a tent, on campus, because some enterprising soul has blessedly rigged up a TV/satellite combo that features a chair in front of it or other such wizardry.

What I'm Consuming:

Metric shit-ton of water before walking to Kyle Field.

Oregon State @ Hawaii, Saturday, 9:30 PM

Why I'm Watching:

Because I went to Hawaii last May. And I'm a huge Mike Riley fan. Did you know he played for Bear Bryant at Bama? No? SHAME ON YOU.

How I'm Watching:

Probably on my laptop in a hotel room halfway between College Station and San Antonio.

What I'm Consuming:

With a little luck, some catfish to go from Paw Paw's in Bastrop, TX. THAT'S SOME DAMN GOOD CATFISH.

thacktor

Arizona vs UTSA  - Thursday at 7:00PM

WHY I'M WATCHING

Because it's Thursday. Some nights, you eat whatever's in the fridge.

HOW I'M WATCHING

With my laptop open. I'll probably look up when the announcers get really excited.

WHAT I'M CONSUMING

In a perfect world, I'll have cooked a nice dinner consisting of something healthy yet tasty. Nutrition to fuel the body. In reality? Chipotle with a glass of Bota Box Malbec. I feel you judging me, and that's fine.

FAU vs. Alabama - Saturday at 11:00 AM

WHY I'M WATCHING

BECAUSE IT'S ON THE ESS EEE CEE NETWORK, PAWWWWWLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL! DEY TOLD US BAMA GONNA ROLL THIS YEAR AND I NEEDA SEE NICK SABAN CRUSH DA OWLS!!!!!!!

HOW I'M WATCHING

In sweat pants with no shirt and an old visor on with several boxes of WalMart brand cereal surrounding me. I'm a method football watcher.

WHAT I'M CONSUMING

SEC Network branding and propaganda. All day. ALL DAY! And probably some coffee.

USC vs Stanford - Saturday at 2:30

WHY I'M WATCHING

Two California schools, both undefeated. They're the closest ranked teams playing this week at #14 and #13. Should be a fine match of football played between two "medicated" fan bases.

HOW I'M WATCHING

I told you, I'm a method football watcher.

WHAT I'M CONSUMING

Napa Valley Wines. Several of them. All poured into one massive oil drum and consumed through a massive crazy straw. Red Blend Punch, y'all.

doug.keegan

Mizzou at Toledo 11am Saturday ABC Regional

Why I'm Watching:

Scouting a future Aggie opponent and that all-important SEC pride. Vegas has Mizzou as a shockingly small 3.5 point favorite. Upset potential. We has it.

How I'm Watching:

Hurrying to a west campus tailgate to park myself in front of a satellite-equipped teevee.

What I'm consuming:

Allah willing, there will be breakfast tacos. Or kolaches. Or some other cheesy, carb-laden goodness to lay down the important stomach base-layer before proceeding to the adult beverages.

Ole Miss at Vanderbilt 3:30pm Saturday ESPN

Why I'm Watching:

Again, the SEC and Aggie relevance. Is Vandy really that bad? Is Ole Miss, particularly on the defensive side, possibly that good? Did Dr. Bo just amputate the wrong limb?

How I'm Watching:

Firmly entrenched at a tailgate. Sweating and making occasions trips to stand in front of a fan.

What I'm consuming:

All nearby grill and smoker prepared meats. Assorted alcohols. Paced responsibly, of course.

BYU at Texas 6:30pm Saturday Fox Sports 1

Why I'm Watching:

The tears of texas fans exist as a potential cure to the state's ongoing drought. texas has no experience at QB or OL, and are scant one point favorites according to the oddsmakers. We're primed for boos from the burnt orange "faithful" at Joe Jamail Field at Darrell K. Royal Texas Memorial Stadium.

How I'm Watching:

Hoping to snag a fleeting cell phone signal at Kyle Field to receive score updates.

What I'm Consuming:

Hydrating with water, because youth is fleeting and mid-game hangovers are the worst. And perhaps sampling the potentially tasty, certifiably 100% not healthy new concession offerings

Hypno-Toad

Pitt @ Boston College

WHY I'M WATCHING

Because I can watch two schools who were questionably-at-best relevant so long ago that neither fan base even bothers trying to convince you of it anymore.  This is the Screech v. Horshack of conference football.

HOW I’M WATCHING

By ignoring every instinct not to watch this.

WHAT I’M CONSUMING

Aggie Ice Cream in honor of Pitt graduate Spilly.

SMU @ North Texas

WHY I’M WATCHING

How could anyone tear their eyes from the Game Of The Week matchup between the two titans who suffered such surprising defeats that Charlie Strong received a burnt-orange shower and Baylor declared itself king of all they survey?

HOW I’M WATCHING

I’m not, apparently.  This pillow fight is so unwatchable that even Fox Sports Southwest had to wash their hair that night.

WHAT I’M CONSUMING

Colt 45 with leftover St. Patty’s Day food coloring, or as I call it Mean Green Keggs and Blam!  I don’t call it that.

(7) Michigan State @ (3) Oregon

WHY I’M WATCHING

Because any football fan should be watching a primetime top ten matchup, and this one features my favorite B1G team vs my second favorite PAC team.  I’m hoping for plenty of shots of Midwesterners looking in confused scorn at chrome-plated cheerleaders and neon footballs.

HOW I’M WATCHING

On DVR during commercial breaks of the BCS Beatdown.

WHAT I’M CONSUMING

A hash pipe filled with motor oil.

Lucas Jackson

Arizona vs UTSA  - Thursday at 7:00PM - Fox Sports One

WHY I'M WATCHING

Because Dr. Camacho has piqued my interest in the Roadrunners, San Antonio’s own football team!  Also, I always like to watch Arizona play, except when they wear those hideous red helmets.

HOW I'M WATCHING

In the recliner.  Wearing a wife beater, holding the remote in one hand and a beer in the other.

WHAT I'M CONSUMING

Budweiser.  We threw a going away BBQ for some friends two weeks ago and everybody the drank wine instead.  So now I have a fridge full of "leftover" domestic beer.   So silly of me to say we needed that much beer…what was I thinking? /grinch smile

Missouri v Toledo - Saturday at 11:00 AM - ESPN

WHY I'M WATCHING

Because I’ll be dove hunting in three hours, and this is the best offering.  Need to brush up on Mizzou as well since I didn’t watch them last week.

HOW I'M WATCHING

Stealthily on my iPad’s WatchESPN app standing around a tailgate outside the camp while attempting to politely acknowledge others making conversation about work and their kids.

WHAT I'M CONSUMING

Fried chicken, collard greens, and cornbread.  A pre-dove hunt tradition.  Washed down with some more Budweiser.

Texas Tech v UTEP - Saturday at 10:00 PM - Fox Sports One

WHY I'M WATCHING

Because there is more football on after the A&M game.  Because I want to see Jameill Showers go up against Coach Kliff. Because you never know what you’ll see on the rocks...

HOW I'M WATCHING

Television.  Glowing at the height of mandom after a day of BBQ, Beer, killing things and eating their flesh, and football.

WHAT I'M CONSUMING

Leftover BBQ ribs and grilled dove breasts washed down with Jack Daniels.  Im not going to feel very good on Sunday.  Worth it.

oscarwildecat

Akron @ Penn St. (11:00AM, ABC)

James Franklin held on to beat UCF last week, but does he have enough to stop Terry F'ing Bowden?  Probably so, but it will be fun to watch both coaches freak out on the sideline.  Plus, my love for Christian Hackenberg is well documented, and after a morning of Gameday, no one should be subjected to Central Michigan and Purdue.

Drinking:

I was taught how to make homemade celery salt in Charleston and now have approximately 14 pounds of it.  Hello, my Bloody Mary friend.

Fresno St. @ Utah (2:00PM, Pac-12 Network)

Confession: My mancrush on Timmy Deruyter has never really waned after that glorious final month of the 2010 regular season, and maybe it's just a slight infatuation with that 3-4 odd man front but DAMN you looked bad against USC son - get it together before Kyle Whittingham takes your lunch money.

Drinking:

Copious amounts of water after a burst of yard work before the actual good games begin.

Virginia Tech @ Ohio State (7:00PM, ESPN)

Because when we flip around during A&M-Lamar commercials we need reference points of good and evil.  Because Hokie freshman RB Shai McKenzie is legit.  Because it's fun to watch the Ohio St. offense and laugh.  But mainly because destroyer-of-souls Logan Thomas is gone and it's safe to watch BeamerBall again.  We think.

Drinking:

Buffalo Trace with a splash of real Coke, because that woman seated next to you just might want a sip at some point.