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DEATHMATCH AT THE DEATHSTAR
BY THACKTOR
SEC play resumes for the Aggies on Saturday at 2:30, live from the shrine where Dallasites will eventually line up and pay homage to or curse at Jerry Jones' diamond-encrusted sarcophagus. The option you select depends entirely on how your Cowboy fandom or hatred has been affected during Mr. Jones' tenure as the Cowboys' Owner/GM/Sith Lord.
The venue is fitting, however, because this game is massive. SEC West massive, to be more specific. The Aggies are going to try to keep their winning streak alive against BERT's massive offensive line, BERT's rushing attack, BERT's wife's Twitter feed, and BERT's desire to end Arkansas' SEC losing streak that dates back to October 13, 2012. This Arkansas team is angry, powerful and in dire need of a slump-buster to end a two year dry spell.
With all of these things in mind, a member of the media might be inclined to ask a question of Mr Sumlin. Maybe the fact that Arkansas is a "Grind-It-Out" style rushing attack would make one alter their game to match? So, will Coach Damn change his offensive strategy? If you didn't watch that clip, the answer wasn't just a simple "no." That was an "Eff no" complete with a poker face for which any gambler would kill.
Why would there be offensive changes? A&M has 6 players with over 100 rushing yards through 4 games. Five Aggie running backs have touchdowns. Nine Aggies have caught a touchdown pass. That's 14 players scoring 29 TDs this year - through 4 games. One more thing; Arkansas starting QB Brandon Allen has 41 more yards passing on the season than Kenny Hill (wait for it) had in his opening game against South Carolina. Sorry, Hogs. I think you'll get more than one SEC win this year, it just won't happen this week. Biel with it.
ABSURD GAME PREDICTION
Bert Bielema is smiling like a super model on an elevator with 6 average-looking men. You're thinking I'm referring to an arrogant smile, but I'm not. No, this is the smile of someone who knows they can get away with farting on the trip to the 80th floor and watch someone else gladly take the blame. This is the smile affixed to the face of a delusional, insane killer. One who wants to slowly choke out his victims with lopsided time of possession numbers and rushing efficiency. It's evil. It's unsettling.
Sumlin doesn't care, though. He doesn't have to ride the Otis with Bert and we all know Bert's no super model. Sumlin also knows that Bert takes the blame for Jen's Bielemissions because that was mandatory per Jen's prenup, and offense doesn't scare Coach Sumlin. All Coach Sumlin has to do is shake Bert's hand on the 50 yard-line before the game and exchange pleasantries.
"I'm betting you've come a long way since Auburn doubled y'all up in week one," Coach Sumlin says, pleasantly. "Tech looked really tough, though."
Ags 38
Hogs 28
A pig thanks to our featured artists: @LuckySTLFan, @aggiebrett, @texasagsec, @cmjanicek3, @HaydenOnline, @jimmygards, @thacktor, @TelcoAg, @SpreadsheetAg, @JAClark_13, @rcb05, @blumby09, alamoaggie, and @BigOldHoneyBear. If your art didn't make the fridge, that's hogwash.
CAST OF CHARACTERS
BY DR. NORRIS CAMACHO
Jeremy Tabuyo
WR: The Tryin' Hawaiian made the most of his two catches last week against SMU, taking them both to the house. He seems to rather enjoy Dallas, so let's shoot for another couple of scores, shall we?
Shaan Washington
LB: We've said it before but WELCOME BACK. Shaan's quickness and instinct in getting to the ball will be key if we're going to corral the BERTFENSE.
Jay Arnold
DL: Last week, thanks to the power of the Internets, we got the JAYJAMBOOGIE after Jay's first sack of the year. Now that we're spoiled, we expect an encore/sequel when he records a safety or forces a fumble against the Hogs' run attack.
Keon Hatcher
WR: Hatcher is the only Razorback averaging more than 1.5 catches per game, and also the only one with over 100 yards receiving on the year. Triple-cover this guy and we should shut down their passing game completely. #STRONGTAEK
Jonathan Williams
RB: You know why this guy's so good? Because he ran behind Cedric Ogbuehi in high school. You're welcome, Jonathan. No 90-yarders this week, though.
Armon Watts
DT: WHO IS THIS IMPOSTER? Oh, no, sir. You're gonna have to keep that redshirt on the rest of this year. The real Armani Watts has already stood up. This is the knockoff Armani a tourist buys on Canal St. on his first trip to New York.
WHAT TO WATCH FOR
BY HYPNO-TOAD
Road Grading
The Aggie defense has received a lot of deserved praise for bringing back a pass rush that was absent during the 2013 season. This week they will experience a different challenge, with Arkansas averaging over 324 rushing yards per game. For perspective, Texas A&M's opponents have rushed for a total of 499 yards against them this season. The Bielema diet of Fritos soaked in fatback and Monster has created an offensive line of earth movers who have spent the season rearranging the opposing team's defensive linemen like patio furniture. This weekend we will finally see if the Aggie D is capable of stopping a sustained rushing attack, which is critical to our success in the stacked SEC West.
The Blunderdome
Texas A&M vs. Arkansas at Jerryworld unearths repressed memories of the Sherman years when the Ags went 0-3 against the pigs in that soulless mausoleum. While I think its safe to say that we have exorcised some of our demons vis a vis the venue, there is still something about playing Arky there. Perhaps Cowboys owner and former Razorback Jerry Jones will be borrowing some demotivating tips to use on our Ags. Or maybe there is something more sinister at play.
Carnies
Friday marks the opening of the Texas State Fair in Dallas, so its time to put on some Jared pants, park your car in the front lawn of a condemned house for $4, do a little crystal, and then blend in perfectly at the fairgrounds. Make sure to be courteous as the famous proliferation of fried foods means you're certain to run into some Razorback fans. Then be a good Ag and head to the Cotton Bowl and say a little prayer to your god of choice that in two weeks he grants Charlie Strong his first signature win in a playoff-hopes-dashing upset of the Sooners. Then the Baylor shall inherit the Big Tweleventen and chaos and sadness will hold sway.
ELSEWHERE IN THE SEC
BY HYPNO-TOAD
Few things were more entertaining than Missouri celebrating their sprint up the rankings by stepping on a lego and tumbling precipitously out of the top 25. Now they have to recover by taking on South Carolina, who apparently always plays at home every game because all of the other stadiums in the SEC deleted Sandstorm from their playlists 12 years ago.
Meanwhile, Vanderbilt will travel to Kentucky to engage in a gentlemans slap fight for the honor of being technically not the worst in the conference. Eventually the SEC East bottom feeders will learn to pre-cut their underwear for when the Stoops family comes by to steal their lunch money and hand out nuclear wedgies. But then again, Vanderbilt can always hang their hats on being the team that produced the greatest post-victory press conference ever.
LET'S HAVE A STATGASM
BY FLETCHER MASSIE
Reckoning Crew
BY CUPPYCUP
Here’s a chance to rekindle your Nike shoemance... with a shirt. But WHAT A SHIRT. Not only is this Reckoning Polo from Aggieland Outfitters Dri-FIT, which means dry and comfy in layman’s terms, but it also has a block Texas A&M logo and Nike swoosh. Speaking of swoosh, that’s the sound the Aggie offense is gonna make when it scores a touchdown on the opening drive. And all drives after that. The Arkansas offense makes a potato sound.
The Reckoning polo is available in all sizes of ANTHRACITE which is Bret Bielema’s supervillain vulnerability. There’s also 2XL in maroon for blogtypes.
Text GOODBULL to 55000 on 9/24 for a chance to win a polo from Aggieland Outfitters.
BEST CASE / WORST CASE
BY THACKTOR
BEST CASE
Working in defensive linemen against cupcake opponents pays off and the Aggie Defense holds the Arkansas offense to under 250 yards of rushing. Myles Garrett gets 2.5 sacks. Watts takes a punt to the house. Jerry Jones re-names the giant TV "Trillovision" due to all the highlights. Jen Bielema tweets something.
WORST CASE
Arkansas consistently pounds the ball for 9 yards per carry all game long. There are so many dropped balls that the ToP battle isn't remotely close. Kaser doubles up his season punt total and makes 5 tackles in punt coverage. The Aggies abruptly name Arkansas alum Jerry Jones Athletic Director at halftime.
@SEC_Logo
Arkansas hasn't won an SEC game in 710 days. #GBHTailgate
@The_Real_SlimJD
Neutral site games, because every other year is still too often to go to Arkansas. #GBHTailgate
@LBCarp
So, you boys are from Arkansas, huh? Well, I’ve been through there. Little Rock’s a fine town. #GBHTailgate
@PJD_Ag_10
My wife isn't an Arkansas fan, but once every few weeks she takes a razor to my back. #GBHTailgate
@jlemmons96
Arkansas law mandates that even if you get divorced, you still remain cousins. #GBHTailgate
@JArnoldTAMU85
JUST AROUND THE RIVERBEND
@ChipBrownHD
There is no truth to reports that Texas A&M will join the SEC in the spring of 2012. None.