Texas A&M's Recruiting Class is Vastly Superior to Your School's

Inspired by serious sports journalism

Howdy! What an eventful few days in the recruiting industry, eh? The proverbial dust has now settled and all the teams have their various new players more or less lined up. I'm here to tell you why my school's recruits will leave a lasting legacy upon the entire sport by proving to be superior student-athletes to yours.

First, it is clear that all of the Aggie signees are serious about football, whereas your commits are simply fond of the outpouring of attention they receive during the recruitment process. They will soon grow tired of the rigid structure of a serious football regimen and their performances will suffer, whilst all of the new Aggie players will blossom and grow into stellar players, each one earning numerous accolades at their various positions while yours plummet down the depth chart and become eventual victims of natural program attrition.

In addition, any players your school signed who happen to be rated higher than any from my school were clearly persuaded by illicit means whereas all of my school's recruiting was done completely above-board. Various underhanded transactions, backroom deals, and secret payments were undoubtedly made to secure the services of your most talented players. It is the only explanation for them choosing your school over mine on an otherwise equal playing field.

Furthermore, your school’s inferior recruiting performance is yet another indicator of your coach’s bumbling ineptitude, while simultaneously confirming that my school’s coach is a shrewd and efficient leader. Players would be foolish to wish to play for such an unqualified charlatan such as the man who wears the headset for your team.

Besides the obvious character flaws and lack of enthusiasm for the game, all of the players from whom your school has secured promises obviously lack the toughness and durability to excel at a high level in the toughest college conference in the nation. They come from inferior high school programs or ones that run gimmick gameplans, and therefore lack the mental and physical tools and basic fundamentals that are the very bedrock of football success. Our players who hail from the same high schools are the obvious notable exceptions to this rule.

What's that? Your team beat my team last year and the year before and has also finished with a superior win-loss record in that same time span? No matter. You have no real leg to stand on while comparing the two programs head-to-head. The only scientifically sound method to measure college football success is to gather all the arbitrary clippings of peripheral information about high school players put forth by dozens of recruiting industry professionals and sort them into whichever assemblage of star ratings, class standings, and potential upside measurables that is most generous to my team. One must look to the future, after all.

In sum, my football program has now propelled itself well ahead of your poor excuse of a team by leaps and bounds, with the addition of two dozen hard-working, dedicated, tough football players. Meanwhile, your program has been set back even further with an influx of overhyped, falsely-advertised flashy athletes with questionable skillsets, virtually ensuring my school's prolonged dominance over yours for years and years to come.

At least that's what the pay site told me.