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NO-LIMITS MOCK DRAFT: THE BOLDEST PICKS YOU'LL SEE IN 2016

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HOW DO YOU KNOW WE'RE NOT LESS WRONG THAN THE SO-CALLED EXPERTS?

MARK DAVIS DID YOU JUST RIP ONE OMG
MARK DAVIS DID YOU JUST RIP ONE OMG
Kirby Lee-USA TODAY Sports

Howdy. Are you ready for the DRAFT? Of course you are. You're ensconced in your MAN CAVE with some WINGS N BEER handy, ready to cheer and boo complete strangers you've never heard of called college football players depending on what NFL team picks them. You've probably been prepping for the DRAFT for a while, and that's fine, but here's one last mock round for you. LIGHTNING ROUND:

COOL HAND

1L Law Student, T. Wentworth Howell III.

The critics may call this reach, noting that "T-dub" didn’t exactly reach his potential during his 5 years at Ole Miss. Admittedly, the work ethic may be lacking, but the confidence is there. He’s also incredibly saavy, demonstrated by his ability to avoid the real world for three extra years AND allowing his parents to brag about his prospects.  Still, in the end you just can’t ignore the pedigree: Howell is a rich, white, American male.  If he can’t achieve success, nobody can.

Hugh G. Upside, QB

Outstanding size. Very good timing, touch and short accuracy. Can buy time in the pocket with his feet. Has NFL pedigree -- father played more than a decade in the league. Very strong pro-day showing, completing 87 of 88 passes and throwing well against air. Tall with an athletic, proportional build that is made for the NFL position. Played in a pro-­style attack with plenty of snaps under center. Asked to make NFL throws and showed he could do it. Stands tall in the pocket and delivers with a relatively high release point. Keeps ball high and tight in the pocket and can uncork it quickly with tight, sharp release and little wasted motion. Throws catchable ball with tight spiral. Naturally accurate passer.

(spoiler – half of this was Garrett Gilbert’s scouting report.  The other half is Carson Wentz)

Bill Brasky, Salesman

Best damn salesman in the office.  A ten-foot-tall, two-ton son of a bitch who can eat a hammer and take a shotgun blast standing. Not afraid to let it all hang out there. He hates Mexicans, and he’s half Mexican! And he hates irony!  Wears a live rattlesnake as a condom.  Makes every woman that sleeps with him refer to him as Bear Bryant. Breastfeeds John Madden. Sweats Gatorade.  Sleeps eight hours a night.

Lance Armstrong, cyclist

Renowed athlete with testicular fortitude. Let’s face it, if you’re going to succeed in the NFL it’s absolutely vital that you take care of your body and pass drug tests. If I’m a GM, I’m going with the best in the business. Also, he’s slippery as hell and a great improviser.  Known for his ability to generate endorsement opportunities and goodwill. He’s the face of the franchise.

Bud Light Platinum

NFL fans already love it. It’s not much different than any other American high volume beer, but there’s a lot in a name. Has 8 (EIGHT!!!) fewer calories than a regular Budweiser, with twice the flair. It’s the Kate Spade of beers. Sure, you don’t have any money, but you can look like it. Turn up that shiny blue bottle and let everyone know that you’ve got class, and you’re not afraid to treat yourself to the best.

WES

Yeti Tumbler

This 32 oz. son of a bitch is the perfect companion on draft day, and one of the least expensive ways to get that kickass bumper sticker on your truck. YOU DON'T NEED THE COOLER WHEN THE TUMBLER DOES THE SAME WORK! That's the kind of work ethic you want out of a player. It's hot? That player keeps it hot. Cold? HE KEEPS IT COLD LONGER! Wide body, great blocking capabilities, and hard as nails.

6 Pack of Coors Original in the Stubby Bottles


Sometimes you have to take a flyer on a player with a tremendous upside, and that's the Coors Original 6 pack in the stubby bottles. Yeah, sure, you could trade up and grab a flashy IPA and see where that gets your team, but I prefer the workman's ethic of the yellow belly bottles. Yeah, the light beers provide a leaner product, but this is Football, dammit. You need something that will eat whatever's in front of it, fart, and then destroy your opponent with alcohol-fueled rage from the purest of Rocky Mountain streams. High altitude training gives this beer the endurance necessary to play 4 quarters, overtime, and then fight 5 rounds in the UFC.

Your Coworker Who Vapes

This guy is unsuspecting with his fragile-looking body and slow gait, but when he wants to make his presence known, it's known. Great lung capacity. Gets in opponents' heads with his formidable lack of consideration for the personal space of others. Blows dank clouds.

Aggie Twitter

The most defensive-minded group in history. Will "well actually" any opponent to death within 5 seconds. Expert with open records requests. Lacks any sense of humor, only focused on the business at hand. Christ follower. Faithful spouse. Patriot. Texas secessionist. Will contact your employer.

The Guy Who Gets Bottle Service Every Weekend and Holy Shit You Should've Been There, Bro

Bro, I'm totally serious. We had a roped off section of the club and we just acted like we didn't care. Holy shit, bro, you should've been there I'm serious. No, listen. LISTEN! So there we were and the DJ just dropped this sick ass beat when the hottest girl at the club, no you don't know how hot she was, she was like a 12 on a scale from 1-5. Hot. Like fire. And like really smart, dude. You know? Right, so we were just pounding the Goose when she walks up and is all "is that your bottle?" and I'm all "yeah" and she's all "that's hot. Can I have a drink?" and I was like "I guess if you want one" AND WE TOTALLY BONED. You should've been there, bro. Next time.

JIMMY

SMOTHERED, COVERED, CHUNKED, PEPPERED, COUNTRY WAFFLE HOUSE HASHBROWNS

SEC pedigree. Sleeps at the office. GRITTY. Plugs (AND cleans) the holes. CON: you’ll have to upgrade locker room plumbing.

WRIST LOAD

If you don’t know what this is, you can just stop "scouting" right here, bucko. Take your sorry ass back to Cleveland. All #INDUSTRY scouting professionals recognize the importance of wrist load both in the makeup of a quarterback prospect and in the lonely solitude of a used recliner on a Sunday night with a 2 Broke Girls rerun on the teevee. The grind ain’t kind, and the touch of an actual human can prove elusive for a consummate #INDUSTRY pro. Consummate with yourself with proper WRIST LOAD.

My cousin Mikey

He’s really big, funnels Busch beer, and is a diehard fan of the Miami Dolphins despite being from Richmond, Virginia. Had photos of Baywatch babes and pro wrestlers on his bedroom walls growing up. Real gym rat and spends any remaining time in the film room. (Film room = adult film shop out in the sticks)

MARK DAVIS

This motherfucker has more money than you. Remember that when you go to the voting booth this November. Billionaires get eccentric through the years. Look at this guy. Tell me he doesn’t own more than 12 ferrets.  BONUS: doesn’t require a helmet – no brain cells left to preserve. $$$ saved.

PEOPLE WHO DON’T LINEUP PREMATURELY TO BOARD AN AIRPLANE

Where the hell are y’all going? And why are you wearing your pajamas on an airplane? Did you really bring your fucking dog? We all arrive at the same time. Stop bumping and grinding on the poor gate agent. No seriously. Sit your fat ass down. TEAM JIMMY is drafting the patient, bathed people who wait for their group boarding number to be called. TEAM players.

RUSH

The Galapagos Islands

RUGGED. POWERFUL CORE. EXCELLENT BURST. SOLID MASS. GREAT FIRST STEP. CHARACTER CONCERNS. SHOULDER CHASSIS. AB TORQUE. QUAD RIP FIRE THRUST WAIT I AM JUST READING THESE OFF THE TELEPROMPTER WHAT DO THESE EVEN ME----------

A syphilitic chupacabra

Chupacabras have long preyed on weaker beings in the depth of the night where no one can see them. Much like [insert west coast NFL team TV proclivities here for max lolz.] Ravenous. Hungry, if a bit undersized. The syphilis is for that extra dose of MENTAL TOUGHNESS.

Danny Kanell

This no-nonsense signal caller will tough out any situation. Will even forgo headgear to prove that the whole concussion thing is just a bunch of PC bullshit. Danny Kanell may be found wandering the empty corridors of Orlando shopping malls arguing with octogenarian power-walkers or on ESPNU.

King Louis XIII of France

PROS: Creative presence. Fashionable pick. Able to contain New England. CON: prone to being pushed around by Cardinals.

Crying Jordan #meme

Dependable. Timeless. Versatile. Recognizable. Always shows up, never surprises people. Novelty wore off long ago. Critics complain that it's overused. Perfect embodiment of the NFL spirit because in the end when you trim away all the gaudy trappings it's still just a sad middle-aged man.

CHUCK

MADDEN WAYNE CHREBET

Lunchpail. Crossing routes. Sacrifice the body. Pixellated. Good enough to be a memorable name despite being 4' 5" tall, but only memorable against the background of other Jets so he won't intimidate anyone else in the locker room. Also retired before physics engines were capable of creating human-sized forearms, so looks like he beats off with a lead dick.

THE STIG

Undeniably the fastest player on any field at any time and runs the crispest routes in the league. Takes direction well, although he works best with a limited playbook and will not improvise in any way. Though referred to with the pronoun "he", The Stig may not in fact have a gender and so will open the NFL to new and complicated gender equality questions. Cannot audible at the line.

WHATABURGER CHOP HOUSE CHEDDAR BURGER

Historically used only as a situational or seasonal asset, this player is fully capable of being an every-down burger. With actual cheddar cheese in its skill set puts it at least 5 picks above any burger using petroleum byproduct American "cheese". Extremely salty veteran with a lot of heft to him. Added bonus: cholesterol and colon cancer will kill you long before you have to watch him take a late-career post-glory-days nosedive with the Chiefs.

THE JUNGLE BOOK (2016)

Unfairly has to deal with comparisons to a predecessor while being a strong competitor in his own right. Packed with an unexpected level of superstar talent. Has Bill Murray and so appeals to insufferable internet douchebags and casual beer-swilling Midwesterners at the same time. Drawbacks: having Scarlett Johansson as a cameo voice actress may cause awkward sexual attraction to a CGI python.

Gemütlichkeit

This German term for the feeling of warmth and well-being associated with enjoying food and drinks with good friends during good times is just the kind of guy you want in the locker room. Though the front office has concerns about his girth and failing liver, the biggest red flag is that another German idea draft pick, zeitgeist, may be so powerful and cynical in the trenches that Gemütlichkeit is rendered useless and ceases to exist.

BEN KNOX PAINTING OF JOHN DAVID CROW

This artistic rendering of Heisman trophy winner John David Crow hovering angelically over the Muster Ceremony with the word "Here..." written in script is powerful, terrifying, and the most Aggie thing in the known universe. Scouts are excited about his disproportionate limbs which allow him to see over the offensive line while kneeling. A draft pick Salvador Dali would be proud of.