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Comprehensive Drew Kaser NFL Draft Preview

Who is Drew Kaser? Time to meet the most legendary punter in the NFL Draft.

Marvin Gentry-USA TODAY Sports

Welcome to the NFL Draft 2016. You've probably heard your fill of phrases like "measurables" and "burst" and "hip snap" and who-knows-what-else by now. We're here for some real talk about one of the realest football players around.

Drew Kaser has lived something of a legendary life. Did you know he's a third-generation college/pro football player? Not too shabby. What about that time  he worked out with the Cleveland Browns...while he was in high school? Not many kids can brag about that. (Not many would, actually because Browns but anyway.) Everyone remembers that time he stole the show as the only punter at SEC Media Days. That was just a taste.

So what else don't you know about Drew Kaser? Probably lots of these things:

Key Facts & Details: Texas A&M Punter Drew Kaser

  • His right foot is slightly larger than his left foot, however his left foot can play the cello.
  • Taught Von Miller how to ride a bike.
  • He has written a series of novels in an ancient Celtic dialect that only 17 people in the world can read.
  • Ghost-directs films under the pseudonym "Steven Spielberg".
  • On a study abroad trip he discovered ancient Sri Lankan ruins filled with riches beyond imagining, but he gave it all to the local peoples because they taught him life lessons so much more valuable than gold and jewels.
  • On a missionary visit to the tiny Pacific island of Lofangu, he was deified when he punted a ceremonial football made of woven palm fronds and sea urchin ink into the maw of the island's volcano to appease the fire god Kanutaku.
  • He once stumbled across a young man who was down on his luck, so he took him home, made him a roast beef sandwich, and gave the man an old suit of his and $40 to help him get back on his feet. That man's name? Elon Musk.
  • He can speak to birds and some species of burrowing mammals. Says that meerkats think the swinging gate formation is dumb as hell.
  • Helped Jackie Sherrill set up a Facebook.
  • Was a stunt double in the movie "Spy Kids".
  • Beat Johnny in quarters by bouncing the coins off the table with his feet. True story.
  • Always picked last in kickball because his strike deflated the ball every time.
  • Can eat with his feet using chopsticks but cannot with his hands.
  • Once accused of tampering with game balls to make them smaller, however it was later determined that the footballs only appeared smaller to the observer due to length contraction observed in objects punted at relativistic speeds. Incidentally, footballs punted by Kaser are also younger than those he has not punted.
  • Prefers his punts to be measured in ancient units of distance, such as rods, furlongs, or leagues.
  • Favorite TV show is the Google Chrome screensaver
  • K.A.S.E.R.
    Kicking Autonomous Sports Entertainment Robot
  • His big toes are opposable.
  • The suit he wore at SEC Media Days 2014 reportedly sold on the Ohio sports memorabilia black market for $3.5 million.
  • Can hold his breath for up to 6 minutes underwater.
  • His senior year led his high school football team in punts, punt average, field goal percentage, PAT percentage, tackles for loss, and RBIs.
  • His number 38 is the sum of his size 19 shoes.

Neither can we.