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Oklahoma State beats Texas: The Conspiracy Against the Longhorns Runs Deep

Burrowing all the way down the rabbithole to unearth the corruption in Austin

Brian Spurlock-USA TODAY Sports

Strange times are afoot at the 40 Acres. For possibly the first time in modern recorded history, officiating has impacted a Texas football game in a way that was not entirely favorable for the Longhorns. Our brothers over at Barking Carnival are on the case already. But certainly the Big 12 Officials couldn't have pulled off such a massive coup alone. Who's lurking in the shadows? We decided to help and and dig even deeper.

ESPN: They sent their most abrasive announcing crew to cover this game: Ed Cunningham, Mike Patrick, and Dr. Jerry Punch. Giving a doctor access to the Longhorns' sideline is highly suspect. Did anyone see him out on the field assisting with injuries? Didn't think so. Oh and who did he play college football for at NC State? Lou Holtz, who also coached at Arkansas and that team from South Bend that dismantled Texas in week one.

Furthermore, the relative success of the SEC Network versus the Longhorn Network has pitted ESPN executives against the Horns. With Texas A&M and Arkansas following the game, officials were directed to wrap things up.

MASON RUDOLPH: The Oklahoma State quarterback was directly responsible for two Texas defensive touchdowns: an interception return and a fumble return. Sounds strange to argue that this could work in the 'Pokes favor on the surface, but think about it: it does two things.

a) it puts the Texas defense RIGHT BACK OUT ON THE FIELD.

b) it prevents the Texas offense from getting into any kind of rhythm.

GLOBAL WARMING: Temperatures in Central Texas have been consistently soaring 5-6 degrees above the normal average for this time of year. This can affect the game in countless ways, from player hydration, field surface wear and tear, right down to the inflation of the ball. You really want to find out how deep this thing goes, start asking questions around the Internet's scientific community.

JERROD HEARD: Failure to mentor the special teams unit.

RED MCCOMBS: By consistently saying that Charlie Strong is not qualified to be a head coach, the Longhorn megadonor undermined Strong's authority. As a result, officials do not give him the respect he's earned.

CORE VALUES: "Honesty" forced Charlie Strong to tell the sideline official that he was a 'dick weasel'. "No guns" prevented the Longhorn sideline from flashing a piece to show the officiating crew what's up.

AUSTIN CONVENTION BUREAU. They knowingly scheduled this event, knowing full well that it would draw a large number of erstwhile Longhorn football fans away from the stadium:

THE GHOST OF STEVE PATTERSON: oooooooooo booooooooooooo woooooooooooooo

AGGY: For decades the Aggie faithful has complained about phantom calls, burnt orange conspiracies, and innocent Facebook photos of referees wearing Longhorn apparel. Texas is a national brand so wearing Longhorn apparel is like wearing Hanes. Anyway, the Aggies have managed to raise substantial funds thanks to Johnny Manziel and someone should look into how much has been diverted into a fund to screw over Texas.