Recently, Adidas made a splash on the Aggie Internet with a cryptic, diamond-studded tweet suggesting they were about to roll out some dandy new Aggie Football uniforms.
Texas Royalty. 8.7.15 #12thMan #teamadidas pic.twitter.com/mk91tR7BHE— AggieFBLife (@aggiefblife) August 2, 2015
This was fresh on the heels of the Arizona State uniform unveiling, and considering the fact that the Ags and Devils square off in one of week one's biggest non-conference showdowns, it seems that Adidas couldn't resist doubling their pleasure.
The GBH Radically Evolving Design Apparel Concept Team [REDACT] has assembled to speculate. What could they be? They could be practically anything at this point. Nothing is out of bounds or too far-fetched, so here are some of the potential high-level theme-based concepts we've put together so far, presented with their official hashtags.
Throwbacks are designed to remind you of another era, and what better era than a simpler time when men were paid for a day's work and hundred dollar handshakes were considered by genteel southron society to be the only polite way to greet someone. The Aggie football team was at a crossroads, faced with the possibility of breaking through to the upper echelon of the college football elite or else stumbling back down from its recent success.
At the nexus of this heady time was a vehicle, one that - like the current Aggie offense - was as fast as it was flashy. The shiny gold of these ClimaCool jerseys match the gaudy paint job on that car made by a doomed, second rate automobile brand. Emblazoned with a flaming black bird on the chest and Pontiac logos on each sleeve, these uniforms are guaranteed to remind each player of the commitment they have made to Texas A&M University. Each helmet will also feature built-in Rec Specs, available in prescription only.
Texas A&M University and Adidas are prepared to unveil the Aggies' new Ancient Grecian epidermis uniforms for the 2015 opener against Arizona State. Developed by scouring stone tablets circa 238 AD and examining statues, the skin uniforms provide the style and functionality of the early Olympic games when NUDE was SWAG.
Inspired by nudity and collegiate hi-jinks involving streaking, the Aggies' new look amplifies the team's iconic identity. At the center of the theme, a fig leaf crown wreathed helmet is prominently showcased.
The rest of the uniform is not real nudity, but adidas Primeknit uniforms customized to match the exact skin tone of 100+ roster members, coaches, and trainers. The idea is to create a team of very large naked athletes honoring the way the Greeks enjoyed sport - nude, deluded, oppressed, and drunk.
For the bashful and modest players AKA "nevernudes", a performance-wear fig leaf will be provided.
In keeping with Greek Mythology, Coach Sumlin shall go by Coach Zeus during game week. Fans are encouraged to wear officially licensed Adidas togas.
Texas A&M really high-stepped onto the scene in their inaugural SEC season in 2012. Lost in the shuffle of Manziel Mania was the 30th anniversary of a little film that featured our own Aggie Footballers: The Best Little Whorehouse in Texas. Officially, Adidas denounces The Chicken Ranch, but in popular culture no one wants to stop the ol' boys from blowing off a little steam.
The bulky shoulder pads hearken back to the Cold War days when size meant intimidation and so much more. The extra stripes on the three-quarter-sleeved jerseys are a distraction mechanism for pale, scrawny limbs that are additionally accentuated by blocky elbow pads and striped tube socks pulled up to their tensile limits. It's the pinnacle of WayCoolRad Technology™. The sturdy poly-cotton blend of the white pants allows for maximum flexibility while maintaining a touch of restraint in just the right places. The towels are crucial for the cleanup of unruly bodily fluid, and the feathered hair and wispy mustaches are a nod to the ladies of the ranch as if to say "thinking about you, gals."
We may be in the SEC, but let's not forget our SWC roots: not only do We Run This State, but when it gets down to steppin'-out time in La Grange, #WRTW. Here is a computer-generated animation that showcases the ease of movement facilitated by the uniforms' unique design: