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2015 Super Fictional Fantasy Football Draft

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We're maximizing our fantasy teams' potential.

TO THE VICTORS GO THE SPOILS
TO THE VICTORS GO THE SPOILS
Jonathan Leibson/Getty Images

We heard something about fantasy football, but we feel that a true fantasy draft would not harbor the restrictions found under the current system. As free thinkers, we require fewer confines in order to justify using the "fantasy" tag in something as serious as a football draft. As such, here's our lightning-round 2015 Super Fantasy Football Draft:

ROUND 1-WHATEVER

Rush: Hannibal Lecter. Killer instinct. Always hungry for a win. Stays poised in confinement.

Chuck: BA Baracus. Strength, speed, technical knowledge. Concerned that aggression towards fools may lead to suspension.

James: I respect the Hannibal pick, but he's too stiff in the torso. I'm taking Shug Knight. Commands a double team. Angry. Loose hips and glocks. Locker room guy.

Chuck: more like locked up room imo He'll never see a complete season.

Rush: HEYOO. Next round. Super Mario. Exceptional vertical, reliable hands. Adept at self-recognition.

Chuck: Mario is a concussion risk every time he steps on the field Give me Ender Wiggin. Like another coach on the field. Commanding presence in the huddle. Finishes the job.

James: More like MarMEo

Rush: Luigi is more of a lunchpail guy

James: I'm taking the old lady from Titanic. Gritty. Student of the game. Doesn't mind an ice bath in two-a-days. Rangey.

Chuck: Draw me like one of your Canadian Football players, Jimmy.

Rush: Piss poor throwing motion in my opinion. That diamond barely cleared the railing.

Chuck: She's an ivy-leaguer trying to play in the pros. Didn't work for Fitzgerald, won't work for her. She can spit, though.

Rush: Like Plimpton? She was Paper Lyin' about not having that necklace IYKWIM uuuuggghhh

Chuck: That's it, I'm quitting this league. I'll take Snuffalupagus. Great size, impossible to bring down. Positive role model on and off the field. Worried there might be drug use there, though.

Rush: Roll Tide

James: Nice taek. Lotta acid there, but a real road grader.

Chuck: Big Bird ain't played nobody PAAAWL.

Rush: If we're going with Muppets give me Hamburglar. Quick around the edge, good escapability.

Chuck: Weak pick. Hasn't been relevant in a decade. Probably already in jail again. But he does look good in those Steelers throwback unis.

James: I'm taking the TexAgs poster with the most posts of all time. Committed. Grinds. Eats, sleeps, breathes the delusion I try to weave into my organization. Isn't afraid to get his hands dirty.

Chuck: Problem: he won't play for your organization. Not classy enough. Also, teammates hate the way he runs out onto the field and yells "First!" like a d-bag.

Rush: Give me '80s Ol' Sarge Mascot. Good head on his shoulders.

Chuck: Terrifies opposing players

James: Ol' Sarge weaknesses: top heavy, head won't fit in helmet. Made out of plaster and carcinogens.

Rush: Much like the infrastructure of Houston. A good fit.

Chuck: Gimme Peter Brady. He's undersized, and accuracy is clearly an issue, but he's got a cannon that'll break your nose.

Rush: Steve Erkel. Smart player, sound footwork and hip thrust.

Chuck: Wears the same glasses as Von Miller, too.

James: Risk. Bad ankles and skiddish on game days. Comes from the B1G. Pass.

Chuck: Captain Planet. Down to earth guy. Plays with fire. Can fly like the wind. Harder to catch than running water. Big heart.

James: Diva. Can't cover the world's issues when you can't cover a bubble screen.

Chuck: Fortunately, though, Michael Sam has already paved the way for more players like Captain Planet.

James: If you want a paved highway to the CFL, that's your business

Rush: Give me Carmela Soprano. You can't spell "Joe Flacco is a elite qb" without "Edie Falco"

Chuck:

Chuck: For my backup RB I'm taking Gumby. Only player in the league guaranteed not to tear an ACL. Gotta have that kind of insurance.

Rush: I'll take R2D2. Low center of gravity. Tenacious.

James: Nerds.

Rush: you invoked Titanic

Chuck: OK, last pick fellas. Who you got?

Rush: Axl Rose. Good vocal leader. Has a wild competitive streak.

Chuck: Has the advantage of being an actual person*.

* - limited time offer What about you Jimbo?

James: I'll take Edward Scissorhands. Your ACLs are mine.

Rush: character concerns

Chuck: Taking Deflate-gate to a whole new level.

Rush: is a bit awkward under center. Chuck, final pick?

Chuck:

bigbenhodor

Great Hodor. Real Hodor on the Hodor. Hodor Hodor Hodor.

James: Nerds.

This concludes our 2015 Super Fantasy Draft. Thank you for wasting your time with us.