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A Myopic Aggie Breaks Down the Top 25

Everyone's overrated and it's all a big joke.

(The following is self-deprecating satire. You might will probably hate it, and that's fine.)

Aaron M. Sprecher/Getty Images

Howdy. I SAID HOWDY. The other day, USA Today released the very first Coaches' Poll of 2015 and of course our Fightin' Texas Aggies were snubbed because the entire media and every other coach and SID and football staff member has it in for us. The only real recourse is indignation, so to save the time and energy required to read all of the Insular Aggie Internet, we've distilled it into a brief synopsis for each ranked team. We'll call this voice Myopic-Aggie-Dismissive, so let's get M.A.D.

25. Tennessee. Not buying the hype. Who did they beat last year? South Carolina? Iowa? The Big Televen is horrible. Still, I guess they needed to include one orange UT school in the rankings to appease their media bosses RIGHT?

24. Boise State. Terrible. Always overrated. They don't play anybody and their cutesy blue field is a gimmick.

23. Missouri. Please. They should've gone to the B1G with Nebraska. Call me when they beat Alabama.

22. Arizona. RichRod got lucky last year. The weak PAC-12 is a joke. Gizmo offense.

21. Stanford. They're on their way back down. They'll be horrible for another 20 years now that their little spurt is over.

20. Arkansas. We've beat 'em three times in a row. They can't even throw a forward pass. Don't start kissing your cousins just yet, Arkies.

19. Oklahoma. Stoops can't even run the Big Whatever Big Joke Vague Indeterminate Number Conference anymore. They'd get slaughtered if they played in the SEC.

18. Wisconsin. Another overrated B1G school. Can't stand that stupid rap song they play at their stadium.

17. Georgia Tech. The ACC? Ha ha, awful. Bunch of dweebs running the Navy offense just to have a chance to compete.

16. Arizona State. Nothing but flashy uniforms and hot girls. Todd Graham will probably leave any day now.

15. Ole Miss. No way, they don't have a QB to replace Bo Wallace and they can't even pick one mascot LOL. We'll take care of them in Kyle Field East anyway.

14. UCLA. Just a bunch of hippies playing PAC-12 football. No toughness. Way overrated. Hot cheerleaders don't equal good football.

13. LSU. WHAT?!?!? Those corn dog lovers lost their DC to us and can't field a decent QB out of a pool of 35 contestants. Ridiculous.

12. Clemson. Good grief, they'll just Clemsonize it up again. They can't even win the ACC, that's not good enough for the top 20, let alone 12.

11. Notre Dame. Oh GOD. Give me a break. This is just NBC looking out for their best interests. Irish haven't been relevant since the '80s and '90s. Shut up and join the Big Dumpster Fire already.

10. U$C. No way they're top 10 material. They can't compete now that Pete Carroll took off, leaving them with no one who knows how to cheat well.

9. Georgia. Yeah right. Mike Richt always blows it at some point. Remember these same pollster clowns had South Carolina at #9 last year so take it with a grain of salt.

8. Florida State. The Criminoles are on the warpath again. No way Jimbo Fisher can hold it together.

7. Auburn. Oh big deal, they got a huge scoreboard. Their luck can't last forever. They couldn't even beat us at their place by cheating and holding Myles Garrett every play.

6. Michigan State. Wow, really? I guess the B1G is so weak that Michigan's baby brother is dominant. Cute.

5. Oregon. All flash, no substance. Overrated as always. Only hyped because Nike gives them billions of dollars.

4. BayLOL. HAHAHAHAHA the Big Circus Tent None True Champion is a joke of a conference. Enjoy your 50 years of mediocrity once this cycle corrects itself, cubbies.

3. Alabama. Nick Saban's not going to be there forever, Bammers. Hope you're ready to lose half your t-shirt fanbase when you lose 3-4 games this year and he splits.

2. TCU. Haha Purple Baylor. Shows how far the Big Dumb Stupid Whatever conference has fallen. Let's see them put up points on an SEC defense.

1. Ohio State. Typical media love affair with Urban Meyer. Let's not forget this guy lost to FRAN in 2003. At least they're basically an SEC team playing in the B1G. Not hard to win a pathetic conference with three Heisman-hyped QB's.