FIVE BOLD ABSURD PREDICTIONS: SEC WEST 2015

Well, we're getting into the rancid meat of August, where audacious predictions jockey with each other for the most attention. While many of these are rooted in some complicated labyrinth of justification or "mathematical possibility", a true Bold Prediction is not harnessed by such earthly bonds. When you've got nothing to lose, you're not afraid to throw caution to the wind. So here are my five most absurd predictions for 2015:

HUGH FREEZE WILL QUIT IN MID-OCTOBER TO FOCUS ON HIS ONE TRUE PASSION: MODEL RAILROADS.

The Ole Miss head coach will suddenly grow frustrated with the insane schedule requirements of his profession and, fearing for his sanity, retreat into an obsession that has long lain dormant in the recesses of his mind. By late November he will have completed an exhaustively comprehensive 1:64 scale re-creation of the entire Memphis railway system circa 1885, complete with working paddleboats.

BRYANT-DENNY STADIUM WILL BECOME HOME TO MILLIONS OF LOCUSTS.

The combination of a lengthy, arid summer, mild autumn, and unusually active Gulf storm season will contribute to a massive overpopulation of the swarming creatures in west-central Alabama. By the time Charleston Southern rolls into town on November 21, the infestation will have grown so massive that the prospect of the clouds of insects combined with the Tide's paltry 10-point victories over LSU and Mississippi State in the two preceding weeks will have the majority of the Alabama faithful convinced that the End Times have arrived. They will abandon the stadium parking lots and begin a mass exodus in a solemn caravan of gaudy SUVs to Atlanta to await the SEC Championship Game in a befuddled and uncertain state.

KEVIN SUMLIN WILL DROP A HIT COUNTRY SINGLE.

After years of watching Kenny Chesney endorse every other SEC team in the conference save the Aggies, the A&M head man will finally cinch up his belt, pull on his boots, and head into the recording studio after the Vandy game, where he lays down a blistering version of Jerry Reed's When You're Hot, You're Hot. The track will include the alternate lyrics "Ninetey teams, Kenny...when you're hot, you're hot!", igniting a social media feud with the diminutive crooner that Sumlin will easily win, boosting sales of the single in the process.

JACKIE SHERRILL WILL BE TRANSPORTED AROUND STARKVILLE IN A HANDCART MADE ENTIRELY OF AWESOME SHOES.

After head coach Dan Mullen made a splash wearing Yeezys on various ESPN appearances, the school, realizing a dearth of other options, decides to go all-in on the shoe popularity in order to attempt to maximize publicity. The former Bulldog head coach has long been an ambassador for the school as well as a staunch proponent of manual ambulatory conveyance, so the partnership will benefit all parties. Unfortunately, the project will not be renewed in 2016 after Sherrill's insistence on taking the conveyance to the Independence Bowl following State's 6-6 season results in various lawsuits.

BRET BIELEMA WILL TAKE A VOW OF SILENCE.

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Sorry, I couldn't think of any feasible way this would actually happen.