Hypothetical: the Head Ball Coach goes to Washington

Hungry for a legitimate third-party choice, millions of Americans flock to the HATERZ ticket and elect President Stephen Orr Spurrier and Vice President David Wannstedt in a shocking and sweeping show of reform. Spurrier (code name SPOTUS, of course) vetoes every partisan bill that comes across his desk, including most menus for foreign state dinners, while the power of the VP's soup strainer ushers in an unprecedented wave of mustachioed benevolence throughout the world, encouraging Saddam Hussein to voluntarily surrender and uniting the globe in a frenzy of facial hair growth. Things are wonderful for everyone, but of course the true shakeup happens where it really matters: college football.

2005 was one of the most significant years as far as coaching changes go in recent history. With SPOTUS and VP Wannstache off the table, let's see how South Carolina and Pitt are affected, and how the rest of the dominoes fall out.

Unable to hire Spurrier, South Carolina goes all-in after Urban Meyer but can't match Florida's arsenal. Stuck without a coach and without many names left on the table, they hire former SEC East rival coach Hal Mumme on the cheap to retool the offense. He has some moderate success and wins a mid-tier bowl or two before embarrassing the school in an ugly scandal that occurred on international waters and involved gambling, Cuban government officials, and the DEA. New Mexico State instead hires Dick Tomey, who immediately wins the WAC and turns them into a legitimate mid-major. San Jose State hires Paul Pasqualoni, who mistakenly buys a house in San Diego and shows up to coach the Aztecs before realizing his mistake. Mark May's rant on this subject is actually entertaining.

Speaking of Mark May, Pitt is faced with a difficult choice. There are no real candidates on the table with any ties to the school or that fit their profile. So they do the next best thing: they hire Lou Holtz. Dr. Lou re-institutes the option offense and is able to recruit countless gritty fullbacks, linemen, and scrappy defenders throughout the Rust Belt. The Backyard Brawl with Rich Rodriguez-led WVU becomes one of the most intense rivalries in the nation, and the 2007 edition is a de facto play-in for the BCS Championship between #2 WVU and #3 Pitt.

The Panthers' hard-fought 6-3 victory catapults them into the title game, where they steamroll LSU 55-13, leading to the immediate firing of Les Miles by a disgruntled and impatient LSU administration. Miles would go on to roam the American southwest under the identity of Raisin Caine, a Shaolin priest and chicken finger enthusiast. LSU hires proven NFL coach Mike Sherman shortly thereafter, forcing Texas A&M to jump to their second choice and take a chance on Oklahoma offensive coordinator Kevin Sumlin. Kliff Kingsbury would later work for Art Briles at Baylor before being asked to leave after a rare class-action paternity suit is filed on behalf of several hundred female residents of Waco.

So everything works out in the end, and Spurrier is re-elected in 2008 by a substantial margin. For 8 glorious years politics was never so entertaining and not full of shit.