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Choose your own off-season crisis

Need something to despair over? We're here to help.

not keeping up with the Joneses
not keeping up with the Joneses
Scott Halleran/Getty Images

Howdy! If you're like us, no doubt you're counting down the days and weeks (there are ten of them left) until college football begins again. But in addition to that, if you are a refined and conditioned Aggie Football follower, there may be a piece of your summer life missing: a crisis to agonize over. Here it is, nearly July, and this has been a quiet off-season.

The summers of 2012 and 2013 saw plenty of scandals involving Johnny Manziel, from his shirtless mugshot as an unknown up to his autograph scandal a mere year later. Last year saw a slew of arrests and run-ins with the law involving players from all over the depth chart, from another QB asleep in a planter to our best defensive player getting kicked off the team. This year has been ominously quiet so far. Has the Kevin Sumlin ship righted itself? Are things going to stay calm? Since we can't put all our faith in this assumption, we decided not to wait to see how the rest of the off-season plays out. We're going to decide which crises are worthy of hand-wringing right here and now.

KYLE ALLEN LACKS FIRE. Compared to our last two quarterbacks, this guy is too quiet. Are we supposed to believe that all he does is go to school, study film, beat Auburn, and win Liberty Bowl MVP's? No, the players won't respect a leader who doesn't show up on the news once in a while. He needs some spark.

WE'RE ONLY GETTING 3-STARS. Yes, it's been a busy month with six commits in June so far, but there is a noticeable shortage of blue chip guys coming in. This can only mean that Kevin Sumlin's bag of tricks has dried up. If we're not getting as many 5-star guys as Alabama and LSU, we're doomed to fail.

IS THE DEFENSE GETTING ANY BETTER? Yes, technically we don't know what Chavis has with the defense yet. We haven't seen any games or even a scrimmage to judge his work on. Therefore, we must assume that the defense is still a liability because in football, it's guilty until proven beyond the shadow of a doubt innocent, and even then it's still guilty at times.

TOO MUCH EMPHASIS ON "SWAG." Snoop Dogg designing cleats. All kinds of fancy-schmantzy uniform combinations. Too much glitter and not enough guts IMHO. If we just spent half the time we spent concocting run schemes as we did on color schemes we'd be unstoppable. More blitz, less glitz.

OFFICIAL UNIVERSITY TRADITIONS ARE BEING GUTTED. This seal business ain't going away anytime soon. The bevel is going to be the ruin of us all. Let's not forget that our identity is slowly being eroded in the name of trendy things like brand recognition and other fancy buzzwords. Do you think Junction, Texas had any bevels? Me neither.

EVERYBODY'S TALKING ABOUT GARBAGE NO ONE CARES ABOUT. Dave Campbell's Texas Football is the latest guilty party in a long line of entities glorifying and hyping up a game that doesn't even exist anymore and everyone has forgotten about. Well here's an idea for you page-click-mongers: why don't you leave the past in the past where it belongs so the rest of us can focus on things that matter, like head-to-head recruiting rankings and TV revenue battles.

REALITY TV WILL LEAD TO NEGATIVE PERCEPTION. Well, if you haven't heard, former A&M safety Clay Honeycutt will be on CBS's Big Brother soon. Since he's going to be trapped in a house for like 3 years with about 59 cameras on him at all times, it's inevitable that he'll slip up at some point and inadvertently portray A&M in a less-than-favorable light. Sigh. Oh well, what's one more media bias, right?

Well, so sorry to be the reality check in this time of rampant optimism, but the fact is that things are never as rosy as they seem. If we don't worry, we get complacent. And that's when we're most vulnerable to bad news. Constant panic is the only way to ensure an even keel in the crazy world of college football. Gig 'Em.