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SEC Offices Ban Car Washes

There's a 100% chance of fake news today.

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Tired of having games postponed, shortened, and cancelled by inclement weather, the Southeastern Conference has decided to take steps to reduce the chance of rainfall. They have ordered a moratorium on the washing of all team-used vehicles: buses, mowers, equipment trucks, and airplanes.

"Everybody knows it always rains when you wash your car," said the Good Bull Hunting Meteorology Team, probably, in the form of song lyrics or something similar. "There's a 20% chance it might probably work. Maybe 30%."

The Aggies have been cut short by rain twice in the last three weekends now in accordance with SEC rules. The first weekend in April in Kentucky they were held to only two games out of a scheduled three-game series, and those only seven innings each. This Friday's game against Arkansas was cancelled and rescheduled for yesterday afternoon, leaving the second game to be played last night. That game was delayed in the 7th and will pick back up this afternoon, with the third and final game of the series being held to seven innings instead of the traditional nine, weather permitting.

"It's not good for anyone," SEC Commissioner Mike Slive said. "It screws up the TV schedules, it causes contention in the standings when some teams have played fewer games than others, and worst of all, the fans get soaked," he said. "Uh, and it also affects the players' school schedules I guess," he added hesitantly.

Slive went on to say that he would personally be the first to sacrifice vehicular cleanliness for the good of the sport, beginning today. He normally spends his Sundays meticulously hand-washing his 1977 Ford F250 in his driveway, scrubbing every inch of it and carefully applying coat upon coat of wax and polish while listening to Charlie Daniels Band and Kid Rock on his stereo. "Now I guess I can finally catch up on Game of Thrones," he said.

Several schools have also decided to take the additional step letting their field grass die, as it virtually never rains when the yard needs it the most.