Dispatches from the Spring Game

Howdy, gang. We join you live from the largely un-publicized Texas A&M Spring Game. Coach Sumlin and his staff decided on the spur of the moment to hold the impromptu scrimmage in College Station, using Chilifest weekend as a distraction.

First, a few ground rules:

• Traditional print media and pay sites have been barred from the game.
• Kevin Sumlin has absolute control over the score clock, the rulebook and also the actual score. He can change the down and distance or ball position at any time and also add or subtract points from the board. He will also have the power to grant free Pepsi to random ticketholders and receives one Electoral Vote.
• The scrimmage will be worked by Big 12 Officials thanks to an anonymous donation.
• The scrimmage is televised on Bravo Alt channels.
• Kyle Allen will wear a skydiving-style helmet cam in order for Jake Spavital to obtain optimal live-action throwing motion footage.
• Myles Garrett will play without shoes in order to neutralize his pass rush.
• In order to promote campus unity, the teams have been designated FRAT and CORPS instead of Maroon & White.

The FTAB kicked off the action with a rousing rendition of DMX's Party Up. The 300 older Ags in the crowd sat and fanned themselves, looking a bit confused, but the 2,000 or so students in flourescent t-shirts were fairly crunk.

After a paltry 25-yard kickoff by Taylor Bertolet, the FRAT team offense took the field. It's no surprise that the staff have decided to keep the playbook pretty vanilla to minimize scouting opportunities early in the year. So far the first three plays have all been runs from a three-back wishbone formation. Standard stuff. Meanwhile, John Chavis is showing a lot of passion on the sidelines despite the struggles of the CORPS team defense. He appears to be arguing with his attorney on the phone.

Embarrassing for @TAMUFBEquipment is that they were unable to find a helmet large enough for true freshman Daylon Mack. He is currently wearing a colander, which will need to be replaced soon as it violates NCAA facemask requirements.

A quick aside-- these new Chrome jerseys look incredible.

After the quick 3-and-out from the FRAT team offense, the CORPS team O took the field. Conner McQueen led them on an impressive march, completing 9 straight passes to Jeremy Tabuyo, until he was picked off at the goal line by a walk-on defensive back wearing only a plain mesh scrimmage jersey with no name or number. It was returned 100 yards for a FRAT team score. We're working on getting an ID on the player.

Conner McQueen has been playing both ways, recording an impressive 3 solo tackles and 1 dubstep demo tape.

The CORPS team takes the field again and we get our first look at true freshman Kyler Murray leading the Aggie offense. His first snap is a bit of a disappointment as he is flagged 5 yards for excessive pine tar on his helmet. The next play is much more encouraging with a WR screen to Speedy Noil that works with devastating effect with the defense showing standard SEC-style 20 yard cushions.

Players are battling cramps early but volunteer waitstaff from Chimy's are serving pickle shots on the sideline to deliver vital electrolytes and vodka. We are also seeing a lot of injuries from collisions on the field with stationary objects such as construction cranes and Eric Hyman's limousine.

BONUS FEATURE: Big 12 Champion QB Randy McCown will be mic'd up on the sideline to discuss exclusive home financing options.

In classic Kevin Sumlin style, the team is having a little fun opening up the playbook now. Running back Courtney Lewis has taken a snap out of the wildcat formation while the front seven defenders and stadium security are having trouble wrapping him up.

The Sports Information Department has asked us to let everyone know that they have set up a station for fans to request autographs. SID staff members will be available to sign from 2-4pm.

BREAKING: Johnny Manziel has arrived on a chariot. Follow us on Snapchat for more on this developing story.

Just before halftime, Coach Sumlin was asked to name all of the QBs on his roster by a reporter. Brent Zwerneman was subsequently escorted from the stadium by security. De'Vante Harris put on 160 pounds since the 2014 season and has requested gas money to return home after the scrimmage.

Halftime entertainment consisted of the FTAB's tribute to Texas Tech's Goin' Band from Raiderland. They covered Journey and Foreigner, showing considerable range and impressive hip thrusts. The Gameday Experience Team presented by Slovacek Entertainment Group is conducting a trial of a blended Yell Spirit Squad including Yell Leaders, Aggie Dance Team members, and local high school cheerleaders. So far, they are just standing around texting their friends at Chilifest.

The FRAT team surprised everyone in the second half by having Drew Kaser punt on first down on each of their series in order to have him practice his downfield coverage and tackling in a game-type setting. He forced three fumbles, recovering one and returning it for a touchdown and performing an elaborate Jim Morrison-inspired rhythmic celebration dance, resulting in considerable uproar among the Bravo filming crew.

The fans in attendance seem frustrated with the breaks after each play to recognize various club sports teams and bronze level donors. Meanwhile, the CORPS team was content to practice only one aspect: stretching the defense. Speedy Noil ran 19 consecutive reverses for an average of 18.2 YPC and 7 touchdowns. Tra Carson had 1 carry for 2 yards.

So what did we learn from the FRAT vs. CORPS game? We learned what Charlene Sumlin's favorite coffee is and which of the Housewives are excited about John Chavis at DC. We learned that the matte white cleats probably aren't worth the $12 million that Adidas invested in them and that being hit in the sternum by a colander is pretty painful, even if you weigh 318 pounds. But most importantly, we learned that Taylor Bertolet's face tat is truly intimidating.

Can't wait for the 2015 season.