LSU, you're going for it. You're really, really going for it. Best of luck you silly monsters, but it's hard to imagine that dropping $15 million on a coach's buyout and bringing in an uncertain quantity at this stage will catapult you into the Alabama stratosphere, but buy God you're willing to try it, and for that we harbor a grudging admiration.
But what if you were feeling a bit more financially prudent? Fifteen million dollars may lose a bit of its meaning when bandied about in late-season college coaching turmoil. But did y'all even shop around? Did you think about long-term investment? A nice vacation getaway? $15MM can get you many nice things, some of them even nicer than SEC titles. Or at least just as gaudy.
Who doesn't like islands? Especially Caribbean ones? For the cost of the buyout of a pretty decent coach, you can get yourself Perot's Island in Bermuda. This one comes with 8 acres and a 13,000 square foot house. Hell's bells, you can paint a big tiger eye in the middle of it and let fans anchor off the beaches and have yourself a nice little spring game atmosphere if you want.
What if you want to rule the seas without actually owning part of it? Just shell out for 250 fanboats, gang. These will run you straight off the bayou and into the stadium, directly over the skein of spilled beer, crawfish water, and boudin casings that envelop the tailgating area. You and your cadre of big money donors will be free to traverse about the entire gulf region at your whimsy in a controlled cyclone of bourbon fumes and superiority.
A HAPPY CAT
A friend of mine sent me this picture of Mike the Tiger taken this morning. pic.twitter.com/R1bCrBEEOl— sriracha golem (@youandyourband) November 17, 2015
$15MM would get Mike the Tiger 10,638 days (29 years, which is a few years longer than the average tiger life span) at Pet's Dream Park Hotel in Taipei, the world's most expensive luxury pet resort. GOOD MIKE!
FIVE KLIFF KINGSBURYS
Make the ladies happy with this bulk purchase. Texas Tech is paying Kliff a shade over $3MM per year. You think one pair of K's would spice up your offense? How about an even TEN. You can probably keep your Kevin Steele at no additional charge.
JOHN CHAVIS, DEFENSIVE COORDINATOR
At $1.6MM per year, LSU could afford to pay John Chavis to fix their defense for 9 years. No need to though, because LSU doesn't want him.
3rd and Chavis, am I right guys?
There are 4.65 million people in Louisiana. LSU could buy each of them a shot of shitty well bourbon.