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NCAA to Test Fax Replacement Technology

Embrace the future

Tim Boyle/Getty Images

Every year around this time, we start to hear all about faxes. How is it that this is the one aspect of American life that has lagged so far behind technologically? With the emphasis placed on social media these days in the recruiting process, it's a sore thumb that needs to be remedied. Fortunately, A&M has stepped up to the plate in the spirit of the swag image and decided to blaze the trail on the future of football commitment.

Now the school and the student-athletes will be able to circumvent the ancient clunkiness of the fax machine in only thirty easy steps under the helpful guidance of the NCAA!

  1. University will upload LOI document to an encrypted cloud-based repository
  2. Athlete will download private app that accesses University's cloud
  3. Athlete will forward app receipt to University for future reimbursement
  4. Athlete will receive push notification on mobile device
  5. Athlete will download LOI document
  6. Athlete will read LOI document and if needed, add necessary changes in a separate email and return to University. Repeat step as needed.
  7. When all information is accurate and complete, athlete will add digital signature
  8. Athlete will secure document with password protection
  9. Athlete will take screencap of signed, certified, secure LOI document
  10. Athlete will upload signed, certified, and secure LOI document to a second sub-server in the cloud
  11. University will verify veracity of secure, signatured LOI document by comparing to copy on file
  12. University will add official watermark to document and re-send finalized document image back to athlete
  13. Athlete will Tweet finalized image with emoji/message of choice
  14. University will capture athlete's Tweet with emoji and signed, certified, digital LOI in a separate screengrab
  15. University will compile a complete document with all finalized documents and emoji for submission to NCAA
  16. NCAA will rule on appropriateness of emoji
  17. NCAA will declare inappropriate any offensive or suggestive emoji, or any emoji they deem inappropriate
  18. NCAA will place athletes using questionable emoji under a pre-probationary surveillance period
  19. NCAA will fax this list to University
  20. If student is placed on list, reimbursement of app purchase will be suspended until such time as approved by University
  21. University will publish website with composite image containing all LOI tweets at approximately 5:30 PM
  22. SID will print website and fax to Mark Emmert, who will file in his filing cabinet next to folder labeled "JV Wrestler @ Chadron State Who May Have Earned $250 By Painting A Church Last Summer: End Him"
  23. Mark Emmert will summon his field minions via Skype
  24. Mark Emmert and his field minions will sing a rousing rendition of "99 Bottles Of Caffeine-Free Diet Pepsi On The Wall" until they reach the year said singing is taking place (in this case 15)
  25. Once singing is complete Mark Emmert will disconnect from Skype and return to writing Scarecrow and Mrs. King fan fiction
  26. NCAA field minions will then each open the carefully marked safe in each regional field office labeled "NSD" because the NCAA is creative
  27. One safe in the entire country has been selected at random during the course of the year and contains the phone number of the head coach of one of the schools with a top ten recruiting class from the previous year.
  28. The head field minion from the office that contains the number will then call the coach under the guise of being a "street agent" or "interested party" and mention the name of a high school junior.
  29. Said call will be recorded and a new file on inappropriate contact will be started.
  30. The minion will report the completion of the call to Mark Emmert, who will alter the coach's name slightly and write him into his current Scarecrow and Mrs. King fanfiction story.
Lee Stetson eyed the new agent warily. Street-smart, he thought, but not too smart. The man had almost a sort of inadvertent arrogance about him and he got the feeling that he'd be a tough cowboy to tango with because he was used to having luck on his side.

"Lee Stetson," he said, offering his hand to shake. "Where'd you come over here from?"

"Wes Kilometers," said the other agent. "Came over from Statistics & Probability yesterday. You in charge here?"

There was a smirk at the corner of Kilometers' mouth that he didn't like one bit. Was it a wry condescendence? A disdainful frown? Wait...was Was it even a smirk, or was it something....more organic?

Just then one of the secretaries wheeled an office cart into the room. His eyes lit up.

"What's that, one of your latest toys from over in Stat & Prob?" I asked.

"Yes," he said proudly."

He dramatically whisked away the black plastic dust covering to reveal a blocky white chunk of machinery. It looked like a Xerox machine but it had an extra panel with a full numeric keypad and a telephone receiver in a cradle on the side.

"What is it?" I asked him, a little confused.

"It's for transponding facsimiles of documents all round the globe via telephone lines. You can dial a number from Pensacola, feed your contract through, and within only a few minutes, that same contract will be printed up out in Tacoma, and all legally binding." The smirk had returned, but also a trace of genuine pride.

"Impressive," I admitted. "Does it have a name?"

"Sure does," he said, flashing a grin. "Named it myself. It's Pierre."