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Unfrozen Caveman Recruiting Analyst Reads Twitter

He once was a caveman. Now he is a recruiting analyst.

UNFROZEN CAVEMAN RECRUITING ANALYST: People of the Internet, I'm a simple caveman. These condensed words and funny symbols are frightening and confusing to me. But having spent tens of thousands of years trapped in a glacier, I can appreciate the notion of spending the weekend "chilling." I award this gentleman four stars.

UNFROZEN CAVEMAN RECRUITING ANALYST: Folks, I'm not here to judge anyone. I come from a simpler time, when life was stripped down to basic survival instincts and clubbing your enemies. But I can tell you that any man who willingly invites deadly amphibious creatures into his own abode is asking for trouble. Steer clear of this one.

UNFROZEN CAVEMAN RECRUITING ANALYST: Maybe I'm just old-fashioned, but this garment seems to be insubstantial and ill-fitting. Back in my time, warriors were accustomed to wearing darker-hued hide coverings to protect them from the elements and wild beasts. Perhaps that's why this athlete has discarded the pale hide covering without wearing it. This bit of wisdom is worth five stars in my book.

UNFROZEN CAVEMAN RECRUITING ANALYST: Ladies and gentlemen of the Internet, this foray into geographical uncertainty reminds me of my time in Pangaea, which was rather unpleasant. Believe it or not I have heard of Oxford, and I don't think it's in Mississippi! No, this primordial shark imagery is a certain red flag for me.

UNFROZEN CAVEMAN RECRUITING ANALYST: As I've said, this system of visits and offers confuses me greatly. And I have no grasp of the concept of verbals or fax machines for that matter. But I do know this: anyone who earns the label "most dangerous" is going to be just as vital to a football team as a wild raptor-like creature is to the delicate balance of nature.