clock menu more-arrow no yes

Filed under:

GBH WATCHLIST: WEEK 5

New, 18 comments

A menu of pork, despondency, and ACC inevitability awaits us this week.

You're watching WHAT?!
You're watching WHAT?!
Ivan Pierre Aguirre-USA TODAY Sports

Pretty much everyone's rolling into conference play this weekend, which means the games are even harder to predict. Will NC State win score? Will the Longhorns pull the upset? Will the New Jersey suburbs implode in the vortex of despair brought on by a prime time matchup between two teams whose live mascots are a fictional bearded forest imp and a grotesque humanized citrus fruit? Someone's gotta watch in order to tell these tales, and we are that someone. Your Week 5 WATCHLIST:

Dr. Norris Camacho

GAME 1

Fresno State @ New Mexico | Friday 7:00 PM | ESPN

WHY

A pair of former Aggie DC's squaring off in the desert? You bet your ass I'll watch it. Domesticated and wild canine mascots softly mauling each other while Danny Kannell talks about how hot hatch chile peppers are may not be some people's idea of an enjoyable Friday evening, but it happens to be mine.

THE ESSENTIALS

AHTEYYEWWUT GOODBERRHUNNING FOKES. Corch TIM DAROODER is one heckuva FOOTBAW corch but these LERBOS are hungry forra UPSED. We got the HOMEFEEL VANNIDGE and summa that CRYSSAL BLUE CONSUEZION.

Davieberg

Things are always interesting in the ABQ.

GAME 2

Tennessee @ Georgia | Saturday 11:00 AM | ESPN

WHY

Why not? It's probably the best of the early slot games. Tennessee had a bye week after getting baptized by fire and brassy BOOMER SOONER renditions in Norman in the Battle of the Most Obnoxiously Overplayed Fight Songs. They're road-tested, and Mark Richt is known for relinquishing jurisdiction over his team. [Georgia by 4 touchdowns, by the way]

THE ESSENTIALS

I don't really eat tacos during this timeslot. I am an early riser, so breakfast has come and gone long ago. I just felt that breakfast tacos deserve to be discussed as much as possible. There's a great joint near my house (Mr. Toad has been there for lunch) and Saturday's go-to is this: two chorizo y papas, salsa verde, and the biggest iced tea you can find. I am still nursing the tea at 11:00, though.

GAME 3

Duke @ Miami | Saturday 6:30 PM | ESPN2

WHY

Because "Notre Dame vs. Syracuse (East Rutherford) 7:00 PM, ABC" is one of the saddest things you'll read today. These night games have the nutritional equivalent of the grease-sodden strips of iceberg lettuce they serve fried pickles on. Technically, it's still a vegetable. And also because David Cutcliffe is one hell of a coach and I want them to win any non-CFA Bowl-vs-A&M game they play in.

THE ESSENTIALS

Some fried pickles do sound pretty good. But I'll content myself with whatever's on the menu and probably also some serious interweb time. Obscure movie references that pertain to ACC football results are not going to write themselves. #Multitasking.

thacktor

GAME 1

Texas Tech @ Oklahoma State University | Thursday 6:30 PM | ESPN

WHY

Because I spent so many years watching these damn teams that it's hard to put the pack down, y'all. I want to see if Mike Gundy is still a man. I want to watch Coach Bro get a good upset W on angry turf. I just want to watch football played between traditional rivals like God intended. Then I'll go watch real football in the SEC this weekend.

The ESSENTIALS

It's Thursday night, so I'll probably be watching with my laptop out and trying to get late night work done. Likely, I'll be tuning in around the 3rd quarter because, again, it's Thursday and I'll be coming home from things that one does on Thursday nights like finishing work, going to the gym and picking up freshly laundered cash from my strip mall internet cafe/heroin lounge. I'll spend the game eating part (most) of one of those $5 rotisserie chickens from Kroger paired with a nice glass (entire bottle) of $8/bottle wine. I don't appreciate your judgement.

GAME 2

South Florida @ Wisconsin | Saturday 11:00 AM | ESPNUUUUuuuuu

WHY

Why the hell not? South Florida is always one for that crazy upset and I'm a sucker for passively watching a Badger game and pretending like I know what I'm looking at.

The ESSENTIALS

Jen Bielema's twitter feed, fired up and ready for when S. Florida scores and she just can't stop her Bloody Mary stained thumbs from rattling off some half-cocked opinion on Indian philosophy and football. Breakfast is essential when starting off the day, but it's 11:00 and no Dallas resident worth their salt would call a Saturday mid-morning meal "breakfast." I shall brunch. Bacon, over medium egg and Tillamook Cheddar on an English muffin paired with some BOMB ASS COFFEE IN A FRENCH PRESS.

GAME 3

Washington State @ Utah | Saturday 7:00 PM | PACN

WHY

Leach. The pirate. I can't help it, I like watching this dude. Plus, I'd like to see WSU beat this Utah team because I still have an unexplained hatred of the Utes from the Torbush days.

The ESSENTIALS

Sunday morning comes early, this means a couple of nice refreshing beers. I think I may have a Mama's Little Yella Pils on hand to wash down a nice tasty burger. Couch pass out ETA: 10:00 PM.

oscarwildecat

GAME 1

Iowa @ Purdue | Saturday 11:00 AM | BTN

WHY

hahahahahahalololol, just kidding!  Jokes!

THE ESSENTIALS

Seriously, don't watch this, you'll most likely die.  Turn on Arsenal - Tottenham if you must, just please steer clear of this abomination.

GAME 2

Texas @ Kansas | Saturday 3:00 PM | FS1

WHY

Confession: the gentleman that owns the suite (#humblebrag, #blessed) that I will be watching the A&M-Arkansas game from is a Longhorn.  I can think of nothing sweeter than, say, midway through the 3rd quarter after the Aggies go up by 24, to casually flip the TV over to Fox Sports 1 and exclaim in mock-horror: "My God, Charlie Weis seems good for one of these random upsets every year!"

Don't think said suite owner isn't trying to hide the remote from me early, but I will gain control.  Oh yes indeed.

THE ESSENTIALS

Johnny Walker Blue, stolen from Jerry's suite down the hall and lovingly mixed with Razorback tears, ideally at a 4:1 ratio.

GAME 3

Memphis @ Ole Miss | 6:30 PM | FSN

WHY

Because Justin Fuente has things on the upswing in Memphis.  Because this line has moved almost a touchdown in the Tigers' favor this week and VEGAS.  And because Hugh Freeze looks like a mildly-astonished woodland creature and is fun to yell at on television.

THE ESSENTIALS

Uber app, Advil, bottled water, and as much stolen Johnny Walker Blue as will awkwardly fit inside a 12th Man towel.

doug.keegan

GAME 1

UCLA at Arizona State | Thursday 9:00pm | Fox Sports 1

WHY

It's the only game this weekend featuring teams ranked in the Top 25, and I enjoy the thrill of the Todd Graham Experience, as he could resign at any given moment. (He would like to know if you got his LinkedIn request, Michigan.) And the eternal comedy of sideline shots of Graham confidently rocking a headset he stole from Britney Spears. On the other sideline, UCLA's Myles Jack is a bad man at both RB and LB. Worth your time to watch him wreck shop.

THE ESSENTIALS

Thursday night PAC football demands a nice bottle of red from the Napa region. I'll go with Pinot Noir, because I've seen Sideways and mentioning that varietal makes me sound like some pretentious, sophisticated oenophile. As does using the word "oenophile". But yes, I enjoy getting weeknight wine drunk.

GAME 2

Mizzou at South Carolina | Saturday 6:00pm | ESPN

WHY

It's the ESS EEE SEE and two teams that are on the Ags' schedule. One of which we already vivisected, and another that awful loss at home last week to a bottom feeder from the B1G (Seriously, Missouri? WTF was that about?) Mizzou suddenly has serious questions on both lines, and any Gamecock fan who's a believer in the 2014 squad is lying. So... LOTS OF INTRIGUE! Plus, Gary Pinkel makes me feel comfortable as a fellow cranially endowed American.

THE ESSENTIALS

Whatever the outcome of the A&M vs. Arkansas contest demands. Blowout A&M win? Copious quantities of celebratory domestic brew. Arkansas win? Hard liquor. All of it. Just keep it coming. Narrow A&M win? Half a bar of Xanax.

GAME 3

Oregon State at USC | Saturday 9:30pm | ESPN

WHY

BEAVERS VS TROJANS THE JOKES YOU GUYZ! What can I say? I'm a sucker for the PAC. Not only is it the second best conference in the nation, but the open spaces, beautiful women, and shiny objects make me feel like I'm living in the future. I am but putty in Larry Scott's well-manicured hands. I do expect some points in this one, and there's the morbid curiosity of checking out shell-shocked USC after their inexplicable loss to Boston College.

THE ESSENTIALS

Taco Bell. The PAC is life in the future, and if we learned anything from the cinematic classic Demolition Man, it's that in the future all restaurants are Taco Bell. Also, it's open late and cheap and I'm easily duped by a menu that does nothing but rearrange the same five low-quality ingredients. I'd like to reiterate my complete lack of respect for my digestive system.

Lucas Jackson

GAME 1
Tennessee at Georgia | Saturday 12:00pm | ESPN

WHY
Because its SEC Football at noon, and not Jefferson Pilot either.  Thank you based God for sparing me another B1G snoozefest.   Todd Gurley is must see TV, and should have a field day against the Vol’s young front.  I think the Dawgs are pissed off for greatness, and still the favorite to represent the East in Atlanta.

THE ESSENTIALS
An entire slab of delicious bacon washed down with a bloody mary.  No horrid fall wedding this week.  It’s time to get down to some serious laziness.  Set up the multiple TVs, set up the snacks, open the Tweeter.  Let’s get down to brass tacks.

GAME 2
North Carolina at Clemson | Saturday 7:00pm | ESPNU

WHY
I have a sad confession to make.  After we let Sherman go, I was rooting for College Station native Larry Fedora to get the job over KDS.  I was wrong.  Both these teams suffered devastating losses last week due to inept coaching.  Hat’s off to Larry, at least he’s man enough to say he’s done a shitty job so far.  I’m still convinced that Dabo is a human sock monkey.

THE ESSENTIALS
Roast pork loin.  Regardless of the outcome of the A&M/Arky game, I will consume swine all day.   As I am firmly ensconced at the headquarters of  Lucas Jackson Enterprises, I can begin consuming whiskey.

GAME 3
Illinois at Nebraska | Saturday 9:00 pm | B1G Network

WHY
Because all the other games were taken by my GBH comrades.  Also, Ameer Abdulluah, the Husker sensation who has a name straight out of the NCAA 2004 name generator.  As a bonus, I get to watch Michigan’s next coach.

THE ESSENTIALS
BBQ Pork Ribs from Podnuh’s BBQ, a North Louisiana staple.  No, its nowhere close to passable BBQ, but it will do in a pinch.  I’ll also have replays of the other SEC games in the background, to prevent me from falling asleep during what portends to be an outright massacre.

James Gardner

GAME 1
Middle Tennessee at Old Dominion | Friday 7:00 PM | FOX Sports 1

WHY
I get intrigued when vague geographical descriptions play against malt liquors and in Middle Tennessee vs. Old Dominion, that is precisely what we get.

THE ESSENTIALS
I dunno what set of poor bastards got stuck commentating this game, but FOX would be wise to just stick a couple out-of-work hip hop DJ’s in the booth and let them do their thing while the game happens. Also essential – a pound of moist brisket for satiation.

GAME 2
Florida State at NC State | Saturday 2:30 PM | ABC/ESPN2
Fatfan_medium

WHY
Well hot damn. NC State is undefeated. Sure, it’s probably the shoddiest 4-0 resume you could have as a Power 5 program, but Coach Doeren is determined to bring the oft-neglected child of the Research Triangle some relevancy. As you’ll recall, State pulled off the upset against the Noles two years ago in Raleigh. FSU returns their quarterback who makes Kanye West seem humble and self-aware.

THE ESSENTIALS
College football Twitter. I might have a problem, gang. I often will see an upcoming matchup and just KNOW that college football twitter is going to be a damn blast for that game. Get @edsbs, @celebrityhottub, @danbeebe, et. al. going and you have magic. I’ve really weaned off Twitter during Ag games because I end up missing too much while making some stupid dick joke that falls on deaf ears. Still, if you have no rooting interest, college football twitter is a damn blast during an otherwise mundane game.

Hypno-Toad

GAME 1
Iowa @ Purdue  |  11 AM Saturday  |  BTN

WHY
Because I am a fan of performance art, and this game will be the B1Ggest B1G that ever B1Gged.  There are two absolute truths about this matchup: 1) that this has been a disappointing yet all too familiar start to the season for this team and their coach is beginning to feel the heat, and 2) you have no idea which team I am referring to.

THE ESSENTIALS
For this one I think we'll go with actual essentials, as in the essential oils used to make the new collegiate-themed Yankee Candles.  Light the Purdue one and be awash in the sensation of watching a tractor repairman's son drink a boilermaker and then puke in a Hardee's parking lot.  Light the Iowa one and enjoy the aroma of failure and giant wads of cash, eau du Ferentz.  Light them at the same time and you break the Fourth Seal.

GAME 2
Texas @ Kansas  |  3 PM Saturday  |  FS1

WHY
With the latest player kicked off the squad this week, Charlie Strong has decimated his team in the very Roman sense of the word.  The loss of offensive tackle Kennedy Estelle means that the Longhorns offensive line this week will consist of one starter, one walk-on, one cardboard cutout of that walk-on, a can of Progresso lintel soup, and the person in the stands holding program number 24743.  Kansas has Charlie Weis.  Should be a barn burner.

THE ESSENTIALS
In honor of Charlie eliminating one tenth of his team, I will be eliminating half of a fifth of bourbon.  We all make sacrifices.

GAME 3
#8 Notre Dame vs. Syracuse  |  7 PM Saturday  |  abc

WHY
This game is being played at MetLife Stadium, home of the NFL's Giants and Jets.  There, that's the funniest thing in this entire post.

THE ESSENTIALS
Again, MetLife Stadium.  Notre Dame vs. Syracuse.  Have a great weekend everyone.