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Pretty much everyone's rolling into conference play this weekend, which means the games are even harder to predict. Will NC State win score? Will the Longhorns pull the upset? Will the New Jersey suburbs implode in the vortex of despair brought on by a prime time matchup between two teams whose live mascots are a fictional bearded forest imp and a grotesque humanized citrus fruit? Someone's gotta watch in order to tell these tales, and we are that someone. Your Week 5 WATCHLIST:
Dr. Norris Camacho
GAME 1
Fresno State @ New Mexico | Friday 7:00 PM | ESPN
WHY
A pair of former Aggie DC's squaring off in the desert? You bet your ass I'll watch it. Domesticated and wild canine mascots softly mauling each other while Danny Kannell talks about how hot hatch chile peppers are may not be some people's idea of an enjoyable Friday evening, but it happens to be mine.
THE ESSENTIALS
AHTEYYEWWUT GOODBERRHUNNING FOKES. Corch TIM DAROODER is one heckuva FOOTBAW corch but these LERBOS are hungry forra UPSED. We got the HOMEFEEL VANNIDGE and summa that CRYSSAL BLUE CONSUEZION.
Things are always interesting in the ABQ.
GAME 2
Tennessee @ Georgia | Saturday 11:00 AM | ESPN
WHY
Why not? It's probably the best of the early slot games. Tennessee had a bye week after getting baptized by fire and brassy BOOMER SOONER renditions in Norman in the Battle of the Most Obnoxiously Overplayed Fight Songs. They're road-tested, and Mark Richt is known for relinquishing jurisdiction over his team. [Georgia by 4 touchdowns, by the way]
THE ESSENTIALS
I don't really eat tacos during this timeslot. I am an early riser, so breakfast has come and gone long ago. I just felt that breakfast tacos deserve to be discussed as much as possible. There's a great joint near my house (Mr. Toad has been there for lunch) and Saturday's go-to is this: two chorizo y papas, salsa verde, and the biggest iced tea you can find. I am still nursing the tea at 11:00, though.
GAME 3
Duke @ Miami | Saturday 6:30 PM | ESPN2
WHY
Because "Notre Dame vs. Syracuse (East Rutherford) 7:00 PM, ABC" is one of the saddest things you'll read today. These night games have the nutritional equivalent of the grease-sodden strips of iceberg lettuce they serve fried pickles on. Technically, it's still a vegetable. And also because David Cutcliffe is one hell of a coach and I want them to win any non-CFA Bowl-vs-A&M game they play in.
THE ESSENTIALS
Some fried pickles do sound pretty good. But I'll content myself with whatever's on the menu and probably also some serious interweb time. Obscure movie references that pertain to ACC football results are not going to write themselves. #Multitasking.
thacktor
GAME 1
Texas Tech @ Oklahoma State University | Thursday 6:30 PM | ESPN
WHY
Because I spent so many years watching these damn teams that it's hard to put the pack down, y'all. I want to see if Mike Gundy is still a man. I want to watch Coach Bro get a good upset W on angry turf. I just want to watch football played between traditional rivals like God intended. Then I'll go watch real football in the SEC this weekend.
The ESSENTIALS
It's Thursday night, so I'll probably be watching with my laptop out and trying to get late night work done. Likely, I'll be tuning in around the 3rd quarter because, again, it's Thursday and I'll be coming home from things that one does on Thursday nights like finishing work, going to the gym and picking up freshly laundered cash from my strip mall internet cafe/heroin lounge. I'll spend the game eating part (most) of one of those $5 rotisserie chickens from Kroger paired with a nice glass (entire bottle) of $8/bottle wine. I don't appreciate your judgement.
GAME 2
South Florida @ Wisconsin | Saturday 11:00 AM | ESPNUUUUuuuuu
WHY
Why the hell not? South Florida is always one for that crazy upset and I'm a sucker for passively watching a Badger game and pretending like I know what I'm looking at.
The ESSENTIALS
Jen Bielema's twitter feed, fired up and ready for when S. Florida scores and she just can't stop her Bloody Mary stained thumbs from rattling off some half-cocked opinion on Indian philosophy and football. Breakfast is essential when starting off the day, but it's 11:00 and no Dallas resident worth their salt would call a Saturday mid-morning meal "breakfast." I shall brunch. Bacon, over medium egg and Tillamook Cheddar on an English muffin paired with some BOMB ASS COFFEE IN A FRENCH PRESS.
GAME 3
Washington State @ Utah | Saturday 7:00 PM | PACN
WHY
Leach. The pirate. I can't help it, I like watching this dude. Plus, I'd like to see WSU beat this Utah team because I still have an unexplained hatred of the Utes from the Torbush days.
The ESSENTIALS
Sunday morning comes early, this means a couple of nice refreshing beers. I think I may have a Mama's Little Yella Pils on hand to wash down a nice tasty burger. Couch pass out ETA: 10:00 PM.
oscarwildecat
GAME 1
Iowa @ Purdue | Saturday 11:00 AM | BTN
WHY
hahahahahahalololol, just kidding! Jokes!
THE ESSENTIALS
Seriously, don't watch this, you'll most likely die. Turn on Arsenal - Tottenham if you must, just please steer clear of this abomination.
GAME 2
Texas @ Kansas | Saturday 3:00 PM | FS1
WHY
Confession: the gentleman that owns the suite (#humblebrag, #blessed) that I will be watching the A&M-Arkansas game from is a Longhorn. I can think of nothing sweeter than, say, midway through the 3rd quarter after the Aggies go up by 24, to casually flip the TV over to Fox Sports 1 and exclaim in mock-horror: "My God, Charlie Weis seems good for one of these random upsets every year!"
Don't think said suite owner isn't trying to hide the remote from me early, but I will gain control. Oh yes indeed.
THE ESSENTIALS
Johnny Walker Blue, stolen from Jerry's suite down the hall and lovingly mixed with Razorback tears, ideally at a 4:1 ratio.
GAME 3
Memphis @ Ole Miss | 6:30 PM | FSN
WHY
Because Justin Fuente has things on the upswing in Memphis. Because this line has moved almost a touchdown in the Tigers' favor this week and VEGAS. And because Hugh Freeze looks like a mildly-astonished woodland creature and is fun to yell at on television.
THE ESSENTIALS
Uber app, Advil, bottled water, and as much stolen Johnny Walker Blue as will awkwardly fit inside a 12th Man towel.
doug.keegan
GAME 1
UCLA at Arizona State | Thursday 9:00pm | Fox Sports 1
WHY
It's the only game this weekend featuring teams ranked in the Top 25, and I enjoy the thrill of the Todd Graham Experience, as he could resign at any given moment. (He would like to know if you got his LinkedIn request, Michigan.) And the eternal comedy of sideline shots of Graham confidently rocking a headset he stole from Britney Spears. On the other sideline, UCLA's Myles Jack is a bad man at both RB and LB. Worth your time to watch him wreck shop.
THE ESSENTIALS
Thursday night PAC football demands a nice bottle of red from the Napa region. I'll go with Pinot Noir, because I've seen Sideways and mentioning that varietal makes me sound like some pretentious, sophisticated oenophile. As does using the word "oenophile". But yes, I enjoy getting weeknight wine drunk.
GAME 2
Mizzou at South Carolina | Saturday 6:00pm | ESPN
WHY
It's the ESS EEE SEE and two teams that are on the Ags' schedule. One of which we already vivisected, and another that awful loss at home last week to a bottom feeder from the B1G (Seriously, Missouri? WTF was that about?) Mizzou suddenly has serious questions on both lines, and any Gamecock fan who's a believer in the 2014 squad is lying. So... LOTS OF INTRIGUE! Plus, Gary Pinkel makes me feel comfortable as a fellow cranially endowed American.
THE ESSENTIALS
Whatever the outcome of the A&M vs. Arkansas contest demands. Blowout A&M win? Copious quantities of celebratory domestic brew. Arkansas win? Hard liquor. All of it. Just keep it coming. Narrow A&M win? Half a bar of Xanax.
GAME 3
Oregon State at USC | Saturday 9:30pm | ESPN
WHY
BEAVERS VS TROJANS THE JOKES YOU GUYZ! What can I say? I'm a sucker for the PAC. Not only is it the second best conference in the nation, but the open spaces, beautiful women, and shiny objects make me feel like I'm living in the future. I am but putty in Larry Scott's well-manicured hands. I do expect some points in this one, and there's the morbid curiosity of checking out shell-shocked USC after their inexplicable loss to Boston College.
THE ESSENTIALS
Taco Bell. The PAC is life in the future, and if we learned anything from the cinematic classic Demolition Man, it's that in the future all restaurants are Taco Bell. Also, it's open late and cheap and I'm easily duped by a menu that does nothing but rearrange the same five low-quality ingredients. I'd like to reiterate my complete lack of respect for my digestive system.
Lucas Jackson
GAME 1
WHY
THE ESSENTIALS
GAME 2
WHY
THE ESSENTIALS
GAME 3
WHY
THE ESSENTIALS
James Gardner
GAME 1
WHY
THE ESSENTIALS
GAME 2
