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GBH WATCHLIST: WEEK 4

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Mr. Lucas Jackson is on sabbatical this week, as he is busy deposing evidence from Rust Cohle. Not really. Here's what the rest of us are doing.

Doug Pensinger

There are some really nice matchups this week. We didn't necessarily pick all of them. Why not? We don't really know, but for some reason we were drawn to some of the more questionable corners of the college football viewing landscape this week. Here's what we'll be watching and our disturbing reasons for doing so:

James Gardner

WHAT I’M WATCHING

Auburn at Kansas State | Thursday 6:30 PM | ESPN

Why I’m Watching

Pardon me if I pass on the hypocritical, PR dog and pony show that is the NFL for a completely innocent, blameless product in college football. Top 20 non-con football on a Thursday night? Let’s kick this pig in the dick. Bill Snyder was already a football coach when Gus Malzahn was born. Football Methuselah has 58 players on his roster that were or currently are walk-ons. There is going to be some running of the damn ball in this beaut.

What I’m Consuming

I’m grilling myself a dadgum burger. 2/3 lb ground chuck (20% fat or GTFO, hippie), sharp cheddar, toasted bun, fried egg, dash of Frank’s hot sauce, sautéed shrooms. No fancy prep in the meat. Loosely packed, salt and pep, angioplasty for desert.

Oklahoma at West Virginia | 6:30 PM | FOX

Why I’m Watching

Will the Big 12 cannibalize their own? The league of "one true champion" desperately needs a team in the inaugural College Football Playoff. Ergo, they need OU or Baylor to run the table. QUICK TRIVIA: only one state in the country currently has a population LESS than what they had 100 years ago. That state? West by God Virginia. The hill people will be good and lacquered and Holgo will be all strung out to get some Sooner flesh. HOT TAKE UPSET ALERT.

What I’m Consuming

I’ll be in Dallas for the A&M game, so I’ll probably be eating overpriced fajitas with my mouth and consuming vapid, hot, rich girls with my eyes if you NUHMEAN. [pervy uncle laugh]

Hypno-Toad

WHAT I'M WATCHING

Presbyterian @ North Carolina State  |  Saturday 5 PM  |  ESPN3

Why I'm Watching

Because I didn't know that Presbyterian was a thing in football.  And I didn't know that North Carolina State was a thing in football either.

How I'm Watching

Using AT&T Uverse login info stolen from my former roommate because RRRRRAAAAAAAA DIRECTV

What I'm Consuming

The contents of four or five hundred (soon to be) empty beer cans, then off to Luby's.

(22) Clemson @ (1) Florida State  |  Saturday 7 PM  |  abc

Why I'm Watching

Jameis Winston really Clemson'd himself this week by engaging in what apparently qualifies as a meme in this day and age.  You damn kids of the internet.  Back in my day all we had was I Can Haz Cheezburger and we had to internet in the snow uphill both ways.  And we liked it!

How I'm Watching

With the way FSU is going these days I assume I can catch this game on CNN or possibly CSI.

What I'm Consuming

CRABLEGSHAHAGETIT no really now I'm thinking I could really go for a cheeseburger.

Mississippi State @ (8) LSU  |  Saturday 7 PM  |  ESPN

Why I'm Watching

Dan Mullen is a very well meaning vacuum cleaner salesman who has just knocked on the door of the crazy old coot who lives on the edge of town.  The results could be hilarious or they could be horrifying, but either way someone in the SEC West will be sad and I am starting to develop a taste for their tears.  Also, if anyone is going to start taking this whole "Mississippi State is actually good this year" thing they need to start beating someone impressive.  Just not us.

How I'm Watching

With the frustration felt by every fan who watches Les Miles fuck everything up for 3 1/2 quarters and then have it all work out just fine.

What I'm Consuming

Brown liquor.  I don't care which one, just bring me firewater.

thacktor

Old Dominion at Rice | Saturday at 11AM | FSN

Why I'm Watching:

Rice gave A&M fits, I want to watch them stomp a mud hole into Old Dominion and get that first win.

How I'm Watching:

With my tattered copy of "A Brief History of Time" and Neil Degrasse Tyson plushie.

What I'm Consuming

Coffee. Dark. French Pressed.

Idaho @ Ohio | Saturday at 6PM | ESPN3

Why I'm Watching

Because I'd like to see myself reflected in the Nielsen rating. I'll be the entire damn thing.

How I'm Watching

In a suit from a wedding reception. I'll be the guy that makes everyone in the bar watch low-tier football. YOU'RE WELCOME ESPN THREE.

What I'm Consuming

ALL THE CHIPS, FRIES AND MASHED TATERS I CAN! METHOD FOOTBALL WATCHING RETURNS!

Dr. Norris Camacho

WHAT I’M WATCHING

Georgia Tech at Virginia Tech | Saturday 11 AM | ESPN

Why I’m Watching

This week's been shit at work and nothing's more diabolically refreshing on a Saturday morning than not working while watching a couple of disgruntled coaches see who can make the most dour face on the sideline. I also like to play a game where I speculate on how many hundreds of rushing yards the Jackets can roll up while still losing 27-23. I think probably around 325. We can joke all we want, but one of these teams will likely be in the #ACCCG.

What I’m Consuming

Breakfast tacos & Mexican Coke (the drink, you miscreants).

Texas State at Illinois | 3 PM | ESPN News

Why I’m Watching

Might as well just make a day of it if I'm dabbling in morbid curiosity. Also for pure commiseration for my Illini friend (holla @ReggaetonHorn) if Fran manages to beat a Big 10 team on the road. Which would not actually be surprising I guess. Because the B1G is pretty bad this year, you see.

What I’m Consuming

Zapp's Cajun Crawtators and the screeching, folksy, paranoia-laced wisdom of Dan Hawkins.

Oregon at Washington State | 9:30 PM | ESPN

Why I’m Watching

It's been a long and crazy day. I've had the platitudes of some of the most grating announcers in college football seared into my ear sockets for hours on end. I may have convinced myself by this point that just *maybe* this is the game where Leach turns it around and shocks the world.  THE PALOUSE IS ALIVE WITH OPTIMISM THIS NIGHT, FOLKS.

What I’m Consuming

A nightcap...I lost a bet and by halftime am consuming an actual hat used for sleeping because no, this is not the game where Mike Leach finally pulls it off at Wazzu.

doug.keegan

Northern Illinois at Arkansas | Saturday 6 PM | ESPNU

Why I'm Watching

Scouting Arkansas. Were they as good as they showed last week in Lubbock? Or is tech's run defense just that bad? Leaning toward the latter, as BERT is favored by a scant two TDs at home against a MAC team. MACtion on an SEC field? You have my attention, broadcast team.

How I'm Watching

Butt firmly planted on a bar stool, staring at no fewer than a half dozen college football infused screens.

What I'm Consuming

Pizza. Yea, pizza sounds like a good answer. Can't go wrong with pizza. Toppings TBD.

Mississippi State at LSU | Saturday 6 PM | ESPN

Why I'm Watching

The Charlie-Brown-trying-to-kick-the-football sadness and amusing delight of watching Dan Mullen likely lose again to a ranked opponent, but with the added flavor of zesty Les Miles brand Cajun seasoning. Also strong potential for the television cameras catching LSU fans doing something most civilized people would consider objectionable.

How I'm Watching

Tipping the friendly bartender generously to ensure that the establishment's televisions are set to the desired channel(s).

What I'm Consuming

Beer to go with the aforementioned and concurrently consumed pizza. Live Oak Hefeweizen is my goto brew.

Cal at Arizona | Saturday 9PM | P12N

Why I'm Watching

Points! It's Sonny Dykes' high octane offense and iffy defense against Rich Rodriguez's high octane offense and iffy defense. No deficit is too large to overcome and no lead is too big to be blown (That's what she said). Chances of something exciting/interesting/horrifying? High.

How I'm Watching

Likely via an internet stream of dubious legality, because it's the PAC 12 Network.

What I'm Consuming

Milkshake. Because I have an incredible weakness for milkshakes and no respect for my digestive system.

oscarwildecat

UCONN @ South Florida | 7:00 PM Friday | ESPN

"Watching" may be a slightly generous term, but it's Friday night, it's football, and the television will be turned to whatever it is Willie Taggart is currently doing.

Drinking:

Probably Red Bull, as Midnight Yell Practice starts approximately 2 hours past my normal Friday evening bedtime.

Iowa @ Pitt | 11:00 AM | ESPNU

On a day containing some pretty great matchups, the 11AM slot is basically a wasteland.  So why not double down on misery and watch the Superteam braintrust of Kirk Ferentz and Greg Davis repeatedly run zone stretch plays from 1987 directly into the heart of the Pitt defense.  Bonus: If you watch this game closely enough, Paul Chryst will steal a tiny little part of your soul.  Also, take the under.

Drinking:

Whatever the kind SMU coeds at the Boulevard make available to me.  Haha, why YES I'm still in college, and thanks for asking!

Miami @ Nebraska | 7:00 PM | ESPN2

Because unfortunately even without Jameis Flordia St. will ground Clemson into a paste.  Because A&M-SMU highlights won't be ready yet.  But mainly because yelling at Bo Pelini after a day of consuming alcohol is good for the heart.

Drinking:

Whatever the kind SMU coeds at the Boulevard have left in their festooned Yeti's.