GBH WATCHLIST: WEEK 1

Your complete comprehensive TV schedule can be found here.

Hypno-Toad

JACKSONVILLE STATE @ #3 MICHIGAN STATE

Why I’m Watching: Because it has been a long offseason, and when a man is dying of thirst he may prefer Perrier but will avail himself of toilet water if necessary. And "Sparty" is B1G for "Aggie".

How I’m Watching: On the B1G Ten Network. Call your local cable provider who will arrive at your home in a ’54 Ford pickup, plant a corn stalk in your yard, place two rusted hub caps as high as an elephant’s eye, and attach it to your television with twine.

What I’m Drinking: The contents of several unlabeled canisters found in an abandoned Detroit factory.

APPALACHIAN STATE @ MICHIGAN

Why I’m Watching: Because what could possibly go wrong? This matchup as a 2014 season opener is the football gods’ subtle way of letting you know that they exist and that they love you.

How I’m Watching: In between cartography lessons from Mountaineer Caitlin Upton.

What I’m Drinking: Moonshine served in an old boot.

#1 FLORIDA STATE @ #17 OKLAHOMA STATE

Why I’m Watching: So I can imagine Bob Stoops sitting at home dealing with the moral conundrum of supporting his Big XII strength of schedule argument by complimenting Oklahoma State. Mothers, lock up your frozen seafood products because this could be a barn-burner. Let he who is without literacy cast the first touchdown.

How I’m Watching: Drunk and full of seared animal flesh, like an American.

What I’m Drinking: Beer through a crazy straw, because Oklahoma sucks.

SMU @ #13 BAYLOR

Why I’m Watching: It is apropos that the Methodists and the Baptists battle for our souls on a Sunday, and on a Fox network no less. Baylor’s offense against SMU’s defense will be like strapping an M80 to a plastic army man: you know exactly the outcome but it’s still fun to watch the carnage.

How I’m Watching: With the silly permanent grin on my face that lets everyone know I had football last night. And it was fantastic.

What I’m Drinking: Sacramental wine.

Dr. Norris Camacho

UTSA @ Houston

Why I’m Watching: Friday night in Texas means it's time for regional rivalries. Now San Antonio can prove once and for all that it is superior in every way to Houston.

How I’m Watching: ESPNU. It will help ease the transition between the countless off-season game replays seen on the U over the summer and real live football. Much like the level of play in this game.

What I’m Drinking: Queso Flameado (with a straw).

UCLA @ Virginia

Why I’m Watching: I love East Coast-West Coast games. This one's gonna be all "hey Cavs, we got this one, it's like 4 AM where these guys live, which should give us a decided biological advantange and HEY! who is this Myles Jack person; is one allowed to play on both the offensive and defensive squad simultaneously? WHY I NEVER /harumph."

How I’m Watching: On the couch, coming off that complex emotional high one feels after the first GameDay of the season SHUT UP DON'T TELL ME TOM RINALDI DOESN'T MAKE YOU CRY STRONG MEN ALSO CRY. STRONG MEN ALSO CRY.

What I’m Drinking: Whatever showed up last on Jason Kirk's Untappd feed.

Arkansas @ Auburn

Why I’m Watching: BERT humiliation/schadenfreude.

How I’m Watching: Brand-new shiny network.

What I’m Drinking: BERT humiliation/schadenfreude.

Washington @ Hawaii

Why I’m Watching: Because it's football season, by Crom, and I'm gonna watch football until 1:30 Sunday morning.

How I’m Watching: Some Channel I Didn't Even Know I Had Buried Away In The SD 600-700s on Uverse/Some Grainy Oceanic TV Feed On My Laptop.

What I’m Drinking: Caffeine mixed with whatever's leftover from the day's football consumption.

Lucas Jackson

Northern Iowa v. Iowa

Why I’m Watching: This game is always close and has upset potential. I'm rooting for Iowa to lose because LOLB1G and so I can see Adam Jacobi and Patrick Vint meltdown and hopefully direct their creative juices to another BHGP podcast intro.

How I’m Watching: B1G Network. On a television.

What I’m Drinking: Bloody Mary, lots of celery, lots of spice.

South Dakota State University v. Mizzou

Why I’m Watching: I love the SUDS. JACKRABBIT FOOTBALL! Plus, I want to see Maty Mauk in action to determine if the hype is justified. Mizzou is always a mystery. I WOULD LIKE TO KNOW MORE.

How I’m Watching: ESPNU - probably on my iPad while I really watch Clemson and UGA brawl on the television. Multitasking is key, yo.

What I’m Drinking: Abita Andy Gator. Easing into the day with 8% ABV suds.

Louisiana Tech/Oklahoma

Why I’m Watching: Louisiana Tech has managed periods of decent athletics in multiple sports, before AD incompetence screws it up. Now they has Skip Holtz. SKIP HOLTZ!!! As a North Louisianian I need to be informed. Also, I need to justify my belief that OU is overrated.

How I’m Watching: OK. I lied. I'm not watching this. It's on PPV only. Don't you miss the Big 12? I'm actually watching Southern Miss and Miss State on the SEC network!

What I’m Drinking: Out of Andy Gator. Moved on to Miller Lite to wash down freshly grilled meats

LSU/Wisconsin

Why I’m Watching: Because I have ties to LSU. Because I love cheese. Because part of me really does love old school smash mouth football. Also, I want to see Fournette and who the LSU QB will be.

How I’m Watching: ESPN. On the couch now, laptop open and tweeting away HOT SPROTS TAKES

What I’m Drinking: FIREBALL straight from the bottle. I gotta push through to the end.

oscarwildecat

Weber St. @ #19Arizona St. Thursday, 10:30pm EST

Because I will be in Columbia, South Carolina, because I will be heavily inebriated, and because yelling at Todd Graham and his stupid little headset is something that unites humanity. GO WILDCATS. Will be drinking champagne and/or bleach, depending on outcome of the 5:00 game.

Colorado vs. Colorado St. (Denver) Friday, 9:00pm EST

There's probably something halfway interesting in the matchup of Year 2 Mike MacIntyre versus Year 3 Jim McElwain, but honestly: let's put an over/under of 6:30, 3rd quarter, when the Denver SWAT team is activated to "crowd control" the Buffalo student section. Remember kids, pepper spray is always funny, unless it's your own eyes. Drinking an Avery Maharaja, because, weekend.

Penn St. vs. UCF (Ireland. Yes, that is correct.) Saturday, 8:30am EST

Assuming the giant Icelandic volcano doesn't kill us all before Saturday, I'm rather intrigued to watch what James Franklin has planned Year 1 at Penn State. Plus, Christian Hackenberg is the best quarterback you don't know about yet, and all the George O'Leary Irish jokes! Drinking the strongest bloody mary that has ever been had, celery salt at the ready.

Alabama vs. West Virginia (Atlanta) Saturday, 3:30pm EST

While the incredibly awkward pregame meeting between Nick Saban and Dana Holgorsen is worth a tune-in alone, I'm curious if West Virginia's program has completely burned down, or if Holgo has a few tricks left. Slowly sipping water, because playing drinking games with Lane Kiffin leads to death under all circumstances.

James Gardner | @jimmygards

Colorado State vs. Colorado | Friday, 8 PM | Fox Sports 1

Why I’m Watching: I am a born and raised Ram – I even played hockey at CSU for two years! This rivalry is sneaky nasty. HATE HATE HATE. You won’t find a stronger ratio of Complete Lack of Football Knowledge : Stadium Brawls. You’d think these stoners would be docile. They are not.

How I’m Watching: in a cloud of smoke with Pink Floyd’s Dark Side of the Moon cranked, playing backwards.

What I’m Drinking: chamomile tea

Penn State vs. USF | Saturday, 7:30 AM | ESPN2

Why I’m Watching: IRELAND! I can’t not watch 7:30 AM football. Plus, it's good for people from Orlando to understand that there is a world outside of EPCOT.

How I’m Watching: over a plate of migas while making dick jokes in a GBH Gamethread.

What I’m Drinking: Dunkin Donuts coffee. Black, please.

Rice at Notre Dame | Saturday, 2:30 PM | NBC

Why I’m Watching: Coach Sumlin asked me to scout the Owls. Plus, after A&M, I love the Irish.

How I’m Watching: hunkered down in cranked air conditioning -  just as the Good Lord intended.

What I’m drinking: Brisket.

thacktor

A&M VS. SC ON MY DVR

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What I'm Drinking:

ALL THE DAMN KOOL AID I CAN GET MY HANDS ON SUCKA!