We're afraid of playing Texas. What else are we scared of?

Howdy, Ags! Sorry for shouting. howdy ags. As you may know by now it turns out that we are frightened of losing a football game to the Texas Longhorns and therefore are trying to get out of playing in the Advocare V100 Texas Bowl, according to Internet sources. While this is certainly shameful, it should come as no surprise. As it turns out, the Aggies are scared of many things. See for yourself!

• Mike Matthews, C: Xyrophobia - Fear of razors. Since being forced to begin shaving at age four like all of his male relatives, Mike grew increasingly uncomfortable with the feel of cold steel against his face so that he rebelled against the urge immediately upon becoming a starter for the Aggies
• Cedric Ogbuehi, OL: Nomatophobia - Fear of names. Though it has yet to happen, Ogbuehi lives in constant paralyzing fear of misspelling his own name.
• Kenny Hill, QB: Telephonophobia - Fear of telephones. As we all know, Hill has been largely averse to social media. In fact, he went quite a while without a phone at all at the beginning of the season. Now we know why.
• Howard Matthews, S: Tachophobia - Fear of speed. Particularly among opposing players running the wheel route.
• Speedy Noil, WR: Paralipophobia - Fear of neglecting duty or responsibility. Speedy has a job to do out there, and he will do it regardless of if it's a terrible idea. Remember that next time you see him return a kick from 9 yards deep in his own end zone.
• Taylor Bertolet, K: Spacephobia - Fear of outer space. That show The Jetsons freaked him the hell out, man.
• Josh Reynolds, WR: Chirotophobia - Fear of bats. Seriously, his 40 time is a full second faster at Kyle Field.
• Cam Clear, TE: Scoptophobia- Fear of being seen or stared at. The coaches have been urging him to get on the field all season, actually.
• Brandon Williams, RB: Hippopotomonstrosesquipedaliophobia- Fear of long words. Upon being told the name of his condition, Williams blacked out for 45 minutes.
• Deshazor Everett, DB: Pupaphobia - Fear of puppets. Older cousin once made him watch The Dark Crystal five times in a row.
• Ricky Seals-Jones, WR: Acrophobia - Fear of heights. RSJ and the coaching staff have finally worked through the problems he was having with production earlier this season. It turns out that, combined with his already significant frame, jumping more than 6" off the ground led to dizzying bouts of vertigo.
• Quiv Gonzalez, WR: Pteronophobia - Fear of being tickled by feathers. Fell into a chicken coop at age six months. Uses it as motivation to aid in open-field shiftiness.
• Tra Carson, RB: Plutophobia - Fear of wealth. He's a humble man who prefers a simple life. Where do you think he got his Twitter handle?
• Myles Garrett, DE: Peladophobia - Fear of bald people. The coaches have done an incredible job of helping Myles deal with this issue this season by informing him that all offensive linemen are bald beneath their helmets.
• Drew Kaser, P: Pagophobia - Fear of ice or frost. The real reason he came to Aggieland from Ohio.
• Jeremy Tabuyo, WR: Aulophobia - Fear of flutes. Admittedly, it doesn't come up much. It's there, though.
• Jay Arnold, DL: Rhytiphobia - Fear of getting wrinkles. Adheres to a strict skin-moisturizing regiment each day and also has the trainers hold a bottle of lotion for him during games so he can apply during water breaks.
• Edward Pope, WR: Dishabiliophobia - Fear of undressing in front of someone. There are dozens of us. Dozens!
• Jarvis Harrison, OT: Ephebiphobia - Fear of teenagers. Why he sometimes won't properly protect Kyle Allen.
• Mark Snyder, Defensive Coordinator: Acousticophobia - Fear of noise. It's finally becoming clear why the Aggies play so much better outside of Kyle Field.
• Jake Spavital, Offensive Coordinator: Prosophobia - Fear of progress. Strangely, only seems confined to third down situations.