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Howdy, bye-week sufferers. We're down two viewers this week as Jimmy and thack are out Yelping for a better America, but the rest of us are stubbornly hanging on. This is a stop-start kind of weekend that alternates PAC-12 headbanging with B1G polka music, and a little bit of SEC/Big 12 countryrock in between. Cal and Oregon have just surpassed the 800* total yard mark here halfway through the first so it should be a hell of a weekend. Enjoy!
*verification needed
Dr. Norris Camacho
GAME 1
Rutgers @ Nebraska | Saturday 11:00 AM | ESPN2
WHY
Because in the year 2014, we can now say this is an actual conference game. What a fascinating modern world we live in.
THE ESSENTIALS
Popcorn and whatever New Jersey is known for. You know what? Just some popcorn.
GAME 2
Michigan @ Michigan State | Saturday 2:30 PM | ABC
WHY
This is Sparty's chance to kick the dismembered corpse of Michigan Football before it becomes reanimated again. I don't expect any mercy out of Dantonio. Sweep the legs, Mark.
THE ESSENTIALS
Probably a nap at some point. For most of the game, if necessary.
GAME 3
Arizona State @ Washington | Saturday 9:45 PM | ESPN
WHY
I've had entirely too much B1G so far this Saturday, and some late-night PAC-12 is the perfect antidote. It's gonna be cold, it's gonna be rainy, and both teams have QB uncertainty. Sounds perfect. What do you think, Todd Graham?
"Wow, well we might not even get on the plane," Graham said jokingly. "I've never seen rain or it has been awhile since I've seen it, but It won't effect us at all. No one in my building ever says anything about the weather, a guy did one time and he had to go get counseling."
Todd Graham does not have family in the Pacific Northwest, it seems.
THE ESSENTIALS
Tall glass of iced tea and plenty of filtered college football #hottakes from the day.
Hypno-Toad
GAME 1
Texas Tech @ #10 TCU | 2:30 PM Saturday | Fox
WHY
I will be continuing my tour of Big Tweleventen stadiums by attending this one in person. TCU is currently ranked 10th in the nation. Texas Tech's scoring defense is ranked 116th. I fully expect Tech to put the F in "Fucking hilarious watching them get their asses beat".
THE ESSENTIALS
In honor of TCU's home town I will be downing some fine refreshments from the good people at Rahr Brewing. In honor of Texas Tech I will be hurling full cans of beer at women, children, and the elderly while patting myself on the back about being the 8th grade pothead of college football.
GAME 2
Central Michigan @ Buffalo | 2:30 PM Saturday | ESPN3
WHY
Fans of the Bottom 10 will recognize this is a classic Pillow Fight Of The Week, a veritable Superbowl of incompetence. BONUS FEATURE: Try and figure out if the A&M squad that showed up in Tuscaloosa could beat either of these teams!
THE ESSENTIALS
Chicken wings served in the ashtray of a '73 Buick.
GAME 3
Nevada @ Hawaii | 11:00 PM Saturday | ???
WHY
Well, it's actually a lie because apparently no one is televising this game. That's a real shame because few things feel more like football season than drifting off into an alcohol-induced sleep while watching 17 Hawaiians in the stands with the sun still up. Plus, I enjoy that Norm Chow has only one facial expression and deploys it regardless of his current circumstances. "You just beat USC on the road!" and "Sorry sir, we are not currently serving the McRib." are met with the same jowly stare. I am disappoint.
THE ESSENTIALS
A soft throw pillow and a 7/8 full beer that you had the best of intentions of finishing.
doug.keegan
GAME 1
Oregon at Cal | 9:00 PM Friday | Fox Sports 1
WHY
Friday night PACtion. Larry Scott's horrible television deals are the shameless college football addict's gain. Text your friends that you're too busy / tired / drunk to go out, flip on the TV, draw the shades, kick back on the couch, and let the touchdowns and Marcus Mariota Experience wash over you.
THE ESSENTIALS
PJs, slippers, and a hot chocolate. Make it Irish if that's your thing. But get rested. You've got a long day of sitting on your ass consuming a bounty of bye week college football tomorrow.
GAME 2
MSU at Kentucky | 2:30 PM Saturday | CBS
WHY
It's the Halley's Comet of televised SEC games. Do you realize you're not likely to see State at Kentucky be selected again for the CBS time slot... ever? You can also compare/contrast what you saw Mariota do against a seriously-iffy Cal defense to what Dak Prescott does against a slightly-less-iffy Kentucky defense. Then go rage-vote your opinion in a meaningless online Heisman poll. Serious business.
THE ESSENTIALS
Your day is a marathon, not a sprint. A light spread of chips, quesos, and salsas fits the bill for the mid-to-late afternoon. Pair it with a six pack of light beer if you must, but save room for true gluttony and inebriation until after the sun sets.
GAME 3
Ole Miss at LSU | Saturday 6:15 PM | ESPN
WHY
Oh, just a top 5 team cruising along heading into Baton Rouge on a Saturday night to face an underperforming and backed-into-a-corner Les Miles LSU squad. What sort of nefarious playoff-bursting insanity could possibly happen here?
THE ESSENTIALS
Game-watching companions that appreciate chaos theory. And beer. Lots of beer. Your day is a marathon, not a sprint. A light spread of chips, quesos, and salsas fits the bill for the mid-to-late afternoon. Pair it with a six pack of light beer if you must, but save room for true gluttony and inebriation until after the sun sets.
GAME 3
USCw at Utah | 9:00 PM Saturday | Fox Sports 1
WHY
It's a double dose of PACtion! Sure, this helping won't be as points-filled as Friday night's offering, but it promises to be much more competitive. It's also a key contest in the wide open PAC12 South, a division that anyone could win. (And by anyone, I of course mean anyone other than Colorado. But chin up, Buffs, ski season's right around the corner!) Take in the talented skill position players on both sides and enviously enjoy two largely competent defenses.
THE ESSENTIALS
Is it meat that can be heated in a microwave? Eat it. Is it cheesy? Eat it. Does it have excessive sugars and carbs? Eat it. Does it contain alcohol? Drink it. Aggie Football needs to use the bye week for a hard reset, and so do your fridge and liquor cabinet.
oscarwildecat
GAME 1
Texas at Kansas St. | Saturday 11:00 AM | ESPN
WHY
Presumably something about how I want to see the progress of the Charlie Strong era, but in reality the Longhorns haven't won in Manhattan since approximately 1904* (*needs citation), and watching a cantankerous octogenarian perform magic while wearing a Belk Bowl windbreaker is my idea of starting the day right.
THE ESSENTIALS
Water. Gatorade. Slow hamstring stretches. Treat the bye week with respect, people.
GAME 2
West Virginia at Oklahoma St. | Saturday 2:30 PM | ESPN
WHY
Dana Holgorsen has a functioning offense, and is headed back to a place he knows well. Assuming the majority of his girlfriends have graduated, the Red Bull-swilling, molotov cocktail-tossing, mulleted genius of the hills should have something fun in store for his former boss. Plus, Mike Gundy is so fun to watch when he's grouchy.
THE ESSENTIALS
Red Bull and vodkas, duh. Pour some out for Dana, but just a tiny bit - he wouldn't want you wasting much.
GAME 3
Ole Miss at LSU | Saturday 6:15 PM | ESPN
WHY
Oh, just a top 5 team cruising along heading into Baton Rouge on a Saturday night to face an underperforming and backed-into-a-corner Les Miles LSU squad. What sort of nefarious playoff-bursting insanity could possibly happen here?
THE ESSENTIALS
Game-watching companions that appreciate chaos theory. And beer. Lots of beer.
Lucas Jackson
GAME 1
Michigan at Michigan St. | Saturday 3:30 PM | ABC
WHY
Because I want to yell "SPARTY NO!" at the television, while glorying in the B1G’s best playoff hope’s demise. Can anybody tell me how in the blue f*!% Michigan State is ranked above Oregon? Also, it will be fun to watch Michigan fans root against Hoke and for the Wolverines at the same time.
THE ESSENTIALS
GAME 2
Ole Miss at LSU | Saturday 6:15 PM | ESPN
WHY
Because Death Valley is where championships dreams go to die. This game is perfect for Les Miles voodoo. Will he cast his spell over Dr. Bo? Billy Cannon, the "Grey Ghost" himself, will be on hand. Click here for his epic punt return to defeat the Rebels in 1959.The one thing Ole Miss lacks is a power running game. Can LSU control the clock and shorten the game? The Tigers can wreck the Black Bears’ season and climb right back into the fight for the SEC West with a victory.
THE ESSENTIALS
Chicken and sausage gumbo and a Abita Amber. Keeping it low key this weekend while enjoying watching other fanbases suffer as their dreams die.