0: Points

9: Punts

There. That's out of the way. Surely there can't be anything more damning, you say. What's that? Okay, we'll do a few more.

Some other big-ass zeroes:

• turnovers forced
• states run
• shreds of dignity remaining
• wins in the month of October

OK so I'll do some real ones I guess:

4: the number of both catches and yards by Malcome Kennedy. Yes, 1 yard per catch in what we had hoped would be a triumphant return.

9: longest running play of the game

6: sacks allowed by our offensive line

Amari Cooper: wait, that's not a number. How about 8 catches for 140 yards and 2 TDs

602 to 174: yardage totals guess which is which

305: rushing yards allowed ROLL TIDE

2/13: third-down conversions

Wait a minute that can't be right:

2 penalties for 6 yards? At least we're showing some discipline right oh no I can't even find solace in that. Hover over each Van Der Beek to view our range of emotions:

This was a bone-rattling, terror-inducing shaming on pretty much all levels. No one likes it, and we all want it to get better. Let's hit the reset button and attempt some civility. Things are broken enough already. Remember, if we had the ability to fix it on the Internet, we would have abused that power long ago. But feel free to throw out ideas in the comments anyway.