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What if Bill Simmons were an Aggie fan?

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I Have a Problem With You, Dad Bill Simmons.

Amy Sussman/Getty Images

If I know one thing, in my heart of hearts, it's that Bill Simmons pushes me to my boundaries of both hate and love (just like the movie Good Luck Chuck.) He's great and he's terrible. He's charming and annoying. He's a bastion of hope to every self-loathing sportswriter, every blogger who looks in the mirror in the morning and thinks, "Did I really tweet about a sixteen-year-old football player last night?" And he is the worst.

After the dissolution of Grantland (RIP), he's finally back in the lives of people who don't use the internet as the host of a new HBO show, Any Given Wednesday, which premieres tonight on that channel that plays Game of Thrones every Sunday (before everyone on Twitter ruins it for me immediately) and gave us Entourage (a debt that I can never fully repay.)

I will be watching from my friend's, ex-girlfriend's, father's HBO GO account and I hope you all join me.

But have you seen the commercial for Any Given Wednesday? I mean, of course you've seen the commercial because you live on Sports Twitter like me instead of actually living your life. But have you really watched through it and thought about the implications of what Bill Simmons (and HBO) is saying? He's saying nothing. ("Soup is the perfect food?" That's not a hot take, Bill, that's just telling the world you have soft teeth.)

This commercial is the worst commercial I have ever seen. I knew that the first time I watched it. Viscerally I knew that what I was witnessing was ten of the most boring "hot takes" you could possibly put in a list and film. But I haven't been able to stop thinking about it. Call it good marketing or bad time management but I have watched this video at least once a day since it came out. I hate this commercial. I hate myself.

So I fixed it.

Bill, if you're reading this: I love you. I need you. Please get better soon.

Any Given Wednesday premieres tonight on HBO at 10 PM. Charles Barkley will be the guest so tune in to hear double the nonsense garbling. Good Bull Hunting is in no way affiliated with Bill Simmons, The Ringer or HBO. Especially not now.