Aggie scholars and 420 enthusiasts, it is time to rejoice. Our world-renown research institution has done it again. On the cutting-edge of dankness is Texas A&M's foundational College of Agriculture & Life Sciences, who have now begun growing cannabis ON CAMPUS. This budding research (every pun in here is intended) was confirmed on twitter Tuesday morning by TAMU, who don't even need their burner to tweet about burnin'.
On a corner of west campus, there is a greenhouse full of legal cannabis. #Hemp could soon be a billion-dollar industry — so @aglifesciences researchers and students are leading the charge to study and grow it in Texas. #tamu@HoustonChron: https://t.co/j5joAbdQDo pic.twitter.com/sjT7xKloie— Texas A&M University (@TAMU) May 24, 2022
The tweet cites an article from the Houston Chronicle (lol Chronic) detailing the economic incentives for developing new hemp strains in Texas. It's a good read that I highly recommend, unlike the garbage I'm currently writing. Rather than discuss the science behind growing cannabis, I'm here as your budtender to enlighten you on the end products we've developed.
Introducing your new favorite Aggie weed strains!
[Just in case my employer is reading this, this article is satire. This blog post does not indicate that I have ever touched the devil's lettuce, and I'm totally writing on this during my lunch break and not work hours. Please don't fire me.]
Phish Camp (Hybrid - 7% THC)
Phish Camp is a gentle yet robust introduction to our novice THC consumers. The soft mellow high lightly perturbes the natural flow of your day, providing a slightly buoyant feel as you move around. You will also find yourself more receptive to new ideas, which makes Phish Camp excellent for Fish Camp itself (your counselors are already doing it, even though they won't admit it). Suddenly, shouting "Hullabaloo Caneck Caneck" sounds kinda catchy and not super fucking weird.
12th Van (Indica - 12% THC)
Imagine if you could hot box Kyle Field. It certainly wouldn't create an ideal gameday environment, but it would be phenomenal for post-game jumbotron watching of the t-sips losing to Kansas again. The relaxed enthusiasm created by 12th Van produces those exact vibes. You won't be up and about hootin' & hollerin', but you'll generate some extra creative twitter shit talking from your couch.
Midnight Smell (Indica - 19% THC)
You just found yourself a hot date for Midnight Yell, but unfortunately it's February. Fret not because Midnight Smell is just the aphrodisiac to set the mood. "How fucking hot would it be if the Aggie band played this?" you ponder aloud between makeouts as careless whisper plays in the background. Then as things really start heating up, you and your partner decide you'd rather just spoon and order some Double Dave's. While A&M has gotten progressive about weed, we're still not ready to endorse pre-marital sex, which is why Midnight Smell is specifically curated to make you too lazy to do the devil's dance.
Sbisa Mona Lisa (Hybrid - 24% THC)
There's only a few remaining credits on your mean plan, so it makes sense to consume all your daily calories at once. The Sbisa Mona Lisa is here to kick your appetite's rear in gear. As the gentle high gradually sets in, every bite tastes better than the last until you eventually realize you've transformed into the Tasmanian Devil ransacking the dining halls. The employees behind the omelette bar stare in disgust as you approach for the 3rd time. You swear you just saw the security guy glare at you from across the room while muttering into his walkie-talkie. Campus police are coming for you, and you hastily shove 4 more ice cream cups into your cargo short pockets as you abandon the scene of the crime. Don't be offput by the paranoia Sbisa Mona Lisa causes. It's necessary to prevent you from eating until you literally explode.
Reveilleations (Sativa - 31% THC)
Embark on a journey through time upon the wings of a giant Reveille. You'll visit the future of Aggieland. The Century Tree is now the Millennium tree. Kyle Field turf is now a see-through plane hovering 30 feet above the ground, and there's all kinds of new badass viewing angles from below the playing surface. They even got rid of Blocker! Beware though, this strain is for advanced cannabis users only, as you will trip some serious balls dude. Make sure you're surrounded by happy music and friends you can trust, or else Old Sarge will chase you around with a sledgehammer.
Hope everyone enjoys these new strains! Sound off in the comments with any Aggie-themed strains you'd love to see.
Before I conclude this article, my attorney Tony Busbee requests that I mention Texas' illegality of THC products above 0.3%. Although our beloved university has become the bellwether of the cannabis renaissance, please do not use or posses any of these new Aggie-developed strains in Aggieland. The counter-narcoterrorism juggernaut known as CSPD will not hesitate to take you straight to jail.