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THE TAILGATE: A Graphical Preview of Texas A&M at Colorado

A place where the veer flows like wine.

“OK, look, I’m just saying it’s against the law. If I were somewhere it was legal, I’d feel more comfortable. Can’t be that big of a deal, I’ll drink all you fuckers under the table anytime,” said some Aggie I just made up in my head. He said it years ago in a conversation that has probably happened several hundred times. Well, cowboy, it’s time. You’re going to Denver for the Aggie game and now you can try the Devil’s Lettuce. Some Sticky Icky. The herb. You know, all of these names.

I would like to prevent any and all of you from living out Absurd Game Predictions of seasons past by letting you know that if you’re a newbie to Marijuana, maybe don’t let the packed stadium be your first high adventure. I have it on good authority that eating an edible with no prior experience and no knowledge of dosing can be… educational. Aggies, let’s talk weed.

You’re all adults (if you’re not one, stop reading), you can do what you want, but from my experience, it’s never a good idea to get drunk BEFORE you smoke or do an edible. From what I’ve been led to believe through sources that include my own lived experience, that’s where the spinnies start. You don’t want to vomit during the “Spirit of Aggieland” now, do you? That’d be disrespectful to Santa, or something. Maybe smoke or vape before you drink. One puff. Give yourself 20 min and see how you feel. Then just casually enjoy a beer! No need to binge when you’re having a nice little day.

Y’all know the memes “These edibles ain’t shit?” Cool. There’s a reason these exist. If you’re doing whatever edible for the first time, you’ve waited an hour, and you don’t feel shit; you’re not superhuman. Give it MORE time. You’re not special, you’re not a superhuman, you just haven’t metabolized the psychoactive chemical YET. Start with 5mg. Get you a nice CBD hybrid. Have a good time. What you don’t want to do is eat 100mg. That’s where you start lucid dreaming in the middle of the day and end up on the news because you thought you were in the Fightin’ Texas Aggie Band at halftime. Rush, I’m looking at you.

Also, and I can’t stress this enough, factor in the altitude. Some of y’all are gonna ignore all of this and get really good and wasted due to the thinner air up there. That Texas ego is going to creep up and you’re gonna see some Colorado hippie stoner with a hacky sack hitting his weed pen and think, “Well if that little sniveling puss can take it, I can.” You’re. Wrong. Cleetus. Just because you stand with your hand over your heart super hard every time the word “America” is said in a song doesn’t mean you can mix booze and pot like it’s nothing. That stoner kid is gonna offer you that pen and then make you TikTok famous. And I’m rooting for him because if you ignore me you deserve it.

Whoop and shit.

Aggies 420
Buffs 69

Neutral Site Bollocks. Be sure to thank John Sharp and the rest of his coddled rapacious Boomer cronies as you’re driving your overpriced rental from your chain hotel box room through gridlocked interstate to the drab, corporate confines of Mile High Stadium Empower Field at Mile High. You’ve just managed to consume a college football game for an exorbitant price tag without experiencing any of the traditions that make the sport unique! Nobody does things harder the hard way than America, by God. (PS- have fun at the game, wish I were there!)

Jarek Broussard. PAC-12 Offensive Player of the Year in 2020, Broussard overcame a knee injury in 2019 to become a household name in the conference. He’s small and shifty, so the D is gonna need to keep their heads on a swivel. Was that a dick joke? We don’t even know anymore.

Intersceptor. After tossing a pick hat-trick against Kent, all eyes are on the King this week. I do not peruse the message boards, but if I did I’m sure I’d find that all the hardos on our special favorite site are pining for the steady, cool hand of Kellen Mond, right? Right? Hello, is this thing—

  • Sounds like the Aggies plan to hit the slopes in their underwear on this trip, because was told we’d see a lot of Hanes skiing in Colorado.
  • Moving this game to Empower Field was bold. Keeping it at Folsom Field would have been Boulder.
  • These Buffalo fans must love their booze, because I heard they’ve got a fifth down. But you better have a strong stomach, because they also have a ralph fee.
  • If they like buff fellows, just wait until they see Michael Clemons.
  • From the moment I arrived in Denver I’ve been telling people that A&M is going to lose this game. That’s why they call it the my lie city.

Scattershooting while wondering whatever happened to Dan Hawkins…

  • I bet most of the University of Colorado coeds are on the Woodlands Divorcee Diet: Bone broth for breakfast, White Claws for lunch, and the Devils Dandruff for dinner.
  • It’s probably just my PTSD from that 1995 Aggie trip to Colorado in September when A&M headed to the Rocky Mountains ranked #3 in the nation and dick tripped all over themselves en route to a 29-21 loss, but I’m not ready to call this done and done just yet.
  • After watching Ole Miss on Monday night I went ahead and put a reminder on my phone for Friday November 12th: “Buy a carton of cigarettes.”
  • Aggies 31, California Transplant Breck Bro’s 16. Pop an edible and wager wisely.

Each week we are proud to bring you a concession review by a dignitary associated with one of the schools involved in the game.

Mile High Appetite

by 1980s Ol’ Sarge

Christ, get a load of all this hoity-toity nonsense, will you? Kimchi hot dog? Chorizo burger? VEGETARIAN TACOS??? This is just a list of paired words that have no business being together. Look, I just want to line my immense stomach with a pint or so of canned industrial cheese product and a couple feet of plain boiled frankfurters, is this too much to ask for a poor traveling farmboy? Apparently so, readers.

Nonetheless, I trekked my way up to the concourse to see what simple delights I might be able to forage up. Not much, as it turns out. I tried to order the French Dip sandwich, hold the “French” but the high school student working there just gave me two plain pieces of bread instead. Sarcasm, truly the lowest form of wit. Discouraged but unbeaten, I made my way to the Beverage Market.

Friends, this was more like it. Rows and stacks of gleaming silver and yellow Coors products, several other brands of beer, various waters and sports drinks...this was my oasis. I gathered up a heavy armful of cans and bottles (water is important!) and made my way to the cash register, where lo and behold—there was not a person! I opted for something called ”Apple Pay” which I foolishly thought involved a complimentary apple. No dice.

There’s not really an easy way to describe what ensued over the next half-hour, but let’s just say that if you’re a throwback giant anthropomorphic mascot, it’s best not to select the “pay with facial recognition” option. Long story short...spent a quarter and a half in the security bullpen at Empower field. Luckily I managed to shove a half-dozen tallboys into my plastic bicep before they tased me. Unfortunately, I also spilled some relish down my riding pants. How about those kimchi hotdogs, folks...