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THE TAILGATE: A Graphical Preview of Texas A&M vs. New Mexico

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More like New Mexico Hobos, amirite?

I may have been off by a few points with last week’s score prediction. I’m so very sorry. I also may have been a bit conservative on how to ingest pot with how that game went. Is it conservative to tell people to consume THC in Colorado?

*Wipes nose*

For once, singing the War Hymn will make some damn sense as the Lobos used to be called “The University Boys” or “Varsities” before adopting the current mascot of Lobos. We will just have to imagine that the University Boys are horned bastards running around, chasing after Rev. Then we can capture them in a net and saw their horns off and sell ‘em at auction.

We’ll use the money we make from selling the horns to invest in a medical tech social media application that learns when your quarterback’s ankle is broken and begins to 3D print a replacement ankle from stem cells we harvested during recruitment szn. The app will be called Acheelz. Get it? Of course you don’t, you’re not on my level.

*SNORT*

Once the ankle is printed, the quarterback is then placed in a cryo chamber where his old ankle is frozen off, removed, and placed in the Hall of Champions as tribute. Future quarterback recruits can then compare their foot to that of quarterbacks past. It’s a great investment in the future of the program in so many ways.

AT THIS POINT WE TAKE THE STEM CELLS AND BEGIN GROWING OUR OWN RECRUITS AND WE WILL CALL IT HOME BREW. THE SYSTEM REGENERATES ITSELF. WE ARE AGGIE. WE ARE ONE. GIG THEM.

*Jumps off balcony*

Ags 37
Lobos 5

PEEVED OFF. The Big Duderino Jayden Peevy got his first career interception up in Denver last weekend. Perhaps it’s time for another one that involves staying on his feet and housing it, because the sight of a 6’6”, 330-pound man prancing into the end zone cust straight into the heart of why we love this sport.

Offense. Just...any of it. Moving the ball consistently. Getting ahead of the chains. Picking up first downs early in the game. Converting short-yardage situations. Finding open receivers. Throwing it to where the open receivers can catch it. Not throwing it to receivers who are the textbook definition of Not Open. These are the things to watch for. They may not come easily (see below).

Eye of the Tiger. New Mexico has the luxury of employing their winningest head coach in history...as their defensive coordinator. Rocky Long has been around the MWC forever and his Lobo teams were known for tough, hard-nosed defense. New Mexico finished their abbreviated 2020 season by sacking Fresno State eight times in an upset.

  • New Mexico faces an Aggie team for the second straight week, but this one is farmer talented.
  • Some people think making New Mexico puns is weird, but Albuquerque if I want to.
  • Worried because Zach Calzada looks green? Chill, he’s playing New Mexico.
  • Anyone picking a team from New Mexico is a hot air buffoon.
  • When the Lobos’ QB comes into Kyle Field hoping for a victory but is cast away yet again:

Scattershooting while wondering whatever happened to Dennis Fra…errr….Joe Lee Dunn…

  • Last Saturday’s game was the perfect reminder that it’s completely foolish to get caught up in rankings, schedules, conferences, recruiting or anything else. This sport is unpredictable and can diverge into chaos every week. The lows and highs in that game ARE the reason we all love this stupid sport. After the game I didn’t care what it meant for the future or our hopes for this season. I was just thrilled we didn’t fucking lose. And most of the time, that’s enough to make me happy for the rest of that Saturday. ETR. Enjoy The Ride.
  • In the late 90’s I used to send a VHS tape of recorded Dawson’s Creek episodes via office courier back and forth to another coworker because one of us would invariably go out drinking the night new episodes aired. We were always embarrassed a fellow employee would somehow intercept the envelope and find out about the “Creek tape”. That’s what A&M scheduling New Mexico feels like. This game should be watched in secret, hungover, and never discussed in public circles.
  • Sometimes I like to think about living in Albuquerque, drinking tequila on the rocks with a splash of grapefruit, sitting in a bean bag chair with Natalie Imbruglia in our pajamas (we call them our jam jams), and gambling on Mountain West over/unders.
  • We are three years away from Bob Stoops slangin’ reverse mortgages during Matlock reruns.
  • Aggies 37: Turquoise Jewelry Bandits 6, wager wisely.

Each week we are proud to bring you a concession review by a dignitary associated with one of the schools involved in the game.

The Dixie Chicken

by William Bonney

When first I Arived[sic] at the College Station Train Depot, I made my way directly to the first Saloon I did see. It was a Wooden structure much like those I am accustomed to Back Home. Upon arriving I saw that the Cooks in the back were doing a Brisk Trade, so I decided to relieve them of their Cash funds.

As I was pulling up my trusty Bandanna to Conceal my face and begin the robbery proper, a beefy man with a very red face behind me began Screaming & Cursing and generally Berating me to no end. He called me a Sheeple and many other Words of which I do not know their Meanings, and offered some de-Wormer for my Perceived affliction. Having traveled by train, I was a bit confused by his offer.

I admit I was quite Taken Aback at first, being unused to having my person Addressed in such a manner. Upon a close look at the florid-faced Chap I quickly deduced that he was quite harmless. Nonetheless, I decided to give him a good long Stare and capped it off with a playful wink and brushed the heel of my sixgun with my palm.

The poor old boy accidentally voided his Bowels, making quite the disturbance. I was forced to make my Exit before I had a chance to round up any cash or in fact even try any of the fine-smelling Vittles. I did grab a pitcher of beer at the next Saloon down the way and I must say their claim to have the Coldest Beer in Town was well-deserved. Hats off to the Fine Folks at North Gate. Their rambunctious establishments made this Wandering New Mexico Cowpoke feel right at home.