The Aggies kick the 2021 season off against the Kent State University Golden Flashes who play their home games at Dix Stadium. No, I am not making this up. The Golden Flashes run out of the Dix tunnel every Saturday there’s a home game. When they run back into the tunnel, they hit the Dix locker room for Golden Showers. Their rival is the Zips of the University of Akron. Sometimes the Zips catch the Flashes at Dix, and that’s painful.

That’s about as much lip service as I can give Kent State. I understand they’ve got a hell of an offense over there, but it doesn’t matter. The Aggies are pissed off, and this game will 60 straight minutes of ass-whooping. Think Masvidal vs. Askren… but Askren has to fight all five rounds after getting his orbital disintegrated. This is going to be bad for KSU, but I’m sure they’ll be back to scoring touchdowns at home and giving their fans a reason to post in-stadium selfies in no time. #DixPix

Anyway, I’m gonna go back to rubbing Ivermectin on my taint. Not because I think it does anything for COVID, but because I like it. Don’t yuk my yum.

Aggies 65
Flashes 9

MACTION: Kent State will be wired. They’re gonna sling the ball around, blitz creatively, and just generally be a nuisance as much as possible. The bad news: their offense is dynamic and productive, near the top of the nation last year. The good news: they also gave up 70 points to Buffalo in 2020.

KINGLY: Everyone’s second-favorite Longview Lobo is all set to take over the driver’s seat in the Jimborghini Offense. Will he end up a legendary four-year starter, or will we see him torching opponents on the West Coast after midnight in a few years like Nick Starkel? Tune into ESPNU to find out!

HEADCOUNTS: Watch for lots of Ags from the brass on down ready to crow about attendance figures once again. Just remember, folks: your presence at a football game money is essential to restoring order in the universe during these uncertain times [methodically reaches for wallet]

• Kent State’s mascot: Golden Flashes. Kent State’s pants: golden splashes.
• A&M hopes to take a knee at the end of the game with Kent. And I mean “take a knee” the way father time took Roy Kent’s knee in the Season 1 finale of Ted Lasso.
• Dustin Crum is the name of Kent State’s quarterback, and also all that will be left of him after Saturday.
• Sept. 4 will be remembered as the day we red, white and blew out Kent State.
• If you’re wondering if the Golden Flashes can put up a fight against the Aggies, they Kent.
• #MACshun.

Scattershooting while wondering whatever happened to Dean Pees…

• I’m excited to see our entire defensive line sign a NLI deal with “Four Star Bail Bonds” in College Station.
• Not sure what’s worse, a bird with teeth or a mascot name that reminds me of a pervert in a trench coat.
• My favorite movie of 2021 is “Bielema, Bielema” the story of a young coaches strange and erotic football journey from Fayetteville to Champaign.
• I’ve never been to the state of Ohio but I feel like the majority of people there smell like Natty Light, Kool menthols, and titty sweat. PROVE ME WRONG PEOPLE OF KENT!
• I can’t wait to be four bourbon’s in on Saturday night and needing Nevada +3 to close out a three team parlay.
• If we swapped out Ohio and Lithuania would anyone notice or care?
• Aggies 44, Kent State Nudist Teeth Birds 16. Wager wisely.

Each week we are proud to bring you a concession review by a dignitary associated with one of the schools involved in the game. This week we feature a 1959 Kent State graduate.

Rudy’s BBQ

by Lou Holtz

Boy I tell ya. I am so proud of Rudy, I really mean it. This kid was just a nothing back when he tried out for the team. But he persevered and overcame all the odds! Only at Notreh Dame could such a thing happen. So naturally I was excited to try out his special recipe barbecue here in the great state of Texas at Kyle Field.

I was served by a young man or lady with long hair and some jewelry and I said “Thank you and tell your Boss Rudy that Coach Holtz is out front at the B-B-Q stand and wouldn’t mind shaking a fellow Irish letterman’s hand,” but the kid must have been busy or didn’t hear me because they just pointed at the napkins and told me to move along. The Meat was Very Spicy so I threw it out and just gummed on the giant white buns for about ten minutes while I tried to find my seat.

When I Got Back to my seat I thought I had gotten a text message from Rudy! But it was just a customer satisfaction survey. I filled it out and tried to add a note for Rudy but there was something called a “Character Limit” which seems Ungodly to me. By the time I was finished it was Half Time so I went back and got in line to try to see Rudy again!

Although I did not care for his Bar Be Que seasoning (much too spicy!) I do hope Rudy the best in his new endeavor selling Texas-style BBQs to football fans! A winning combination!!1

-LH