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7 absurd ways to determine Texas A&M’s starting quarterback

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Desperate times call for absurd measures

Photos by Carmen Mandato/Getty Images

We’re a mere two weeks from the first game weekend of the 2021 Texas A&M football season, but we have yet to learn the winner of perhaps the most pivotal position battle on the team: Quarterback. Obviously Jimbo will be the one to make this decision between Zach Calzada and Haynes King, but are there any metrics from past A&M QB battles that could show his hand? Are there any other secrets of the interweb that we could employ to solve this mystery? We’re going to try our best.

Jersey Number

Texas A&M has had five different fall camp QB competitions since they joined the SEC (Johnny Manziel/Jameill Showers in 2012, Kenny Hill/Kyle Allen in 2014, Kyle Allen/Kyler Murray in 2015, Nick Starkel/Kellen Mond in 2017, and Kellen Mond/Nick Starkel again in 2018). In these past QB battles, the player who wears the lower number has won the battle 3 of 5 times.

Manziel: 2
Showers: 3

Hill: 7
Allen: 10

Allen: 10
Murray: 1

Starkel: 17
Mond: 11

Mond: 11
Starkel: 17

By this metric, Zach Calzada (10) gets the nod over Haynes King (13).

ADVANTAGE: CALZADA

Distance from Hometown

Previous QB battles have seen the player who’s hometown is FARTHER from College Station win the job 3 out of 5 times.

Manziel: 205 miles (Kerrville, TX)
Showers: 109 miles (Killeen, TX)

Hill: 200 miles (Southlake, TX)
Allen: 1,124 miles (Scottsdale, AZ)

Allen: 1,124 miles (Scottsdale, AZ)
Murray: 208 miles (Allen, TX)

Starkel: 202 (Argyle, TX)
Mond: 165 (San Antonio, TX)

Mond: 165 (San Antonio, TX)
Starkel: 202 (Argyle, TX)

This round again goes to Calzada, who’s hometown of Buford, GA is 909 miles from College Station, compared to only 193 miles to Hanyes King’s hometown of Longview, TX.

ADVANTAGE: CALZADA

Last Names Converted to Number Values

We assigned number values to letters (A=1 —> Z=26), then added up the sums for each player’s last name. In convincing fashion, the player who’s last name had a lower numeric value won the QB job 4 out of 5 times, so clearly this metric carries some serious weight.

Manziel: 80
Showers: 107

Hill: 41
Allen: 44

Allen: 44
Murray: 96

Starkel: 86
Mond: 46

Mond: 46
Starkel: 86

This was a close race, but King (41) notches his first victory over Calzada (48).

ADVANTAGE: KING

High School Win Percentage

Who cares what the other stats are, the bottom line is that winners win, am I right? So which of our prospective quarterbacks did more winning in their high school days?

  • King: .949
  • Calzada: .640

The winner is clear, and it definitely doesn’t have anything to do with King playing at a perennial Texas high school football power.

ADVANTAGE: KING

Hand Size

This is historically something scouts put a high value on at the quarterback position, so of course it should be included in our evaluation. With that in mind, I picked up my tape measure and headed out to the Texas A&M practice fields. After being stopped immediately by security and explaining my intentions, I was firmly asked to leave and instructed to please stop doing this because it’s making everyone uncomfortable.

ADVANTAGE: push

Google Trends

Look, the internet knows more than all of us combined, so shouldn’t it know who the Texas A&M starting quarterback is going to be? Let’s take a look.

ADVANTAGE: KING

Anagram Time

We all know that anagrams contain hidden meaning, so what does the best anagram for each player tell us about their future?

  • Haynes King = Shaking Yen: Clearly if King wins the job, he will turn A&M into not only a national football power, but a worldwide brand. He’ll become particularly popular in Japan, capitalizing on his fame with lucrative NIL deals in the land of the rising sun.
  • Zach Calzada = N/A: Well that’s disappointing.

ADVANTAGE: KING

Magic 8 Ball!

When it comes down to it there’s only one metric we trust, and that of course is the trusty Magic 8 Ball. We headed over to www.magic-8ball.com and asked “Will Haynes King be the starter” and “Will Zach Calzada be the starter?” six times each for a total of 12 responses (#branding). The results yielded 7 positive responses for King to only 5 positive responses for Calzada. THE MAGIC 8 BALL HAS SPOKEN!

ADVANTAGE: KING

The Verdict

So there you have it, our exhaustive study has indicated in 5 of 7 key metrics that redshirt freshman Haynes King will in fact be Texas A&M’s starting quarterback. Long live the King!

Poll

Who do you think will be Texas A&M’s starting QB?

This poll is closed

  • 17%
    Zach Calzada
    (156 votes)
  • 82%
    Haynes King
    (727 votes)
883 votes total Vote Now