THE TAILGATE: A Graphical Preview of Texas A&M vs Auburn

The tea the shaman served was bitter. “La medicina” he called it. Jimbo didn’t think he was sick, but he knew not to turn down hospitality from a polite old man. After all, Jimbo was a guest in Peru.

“Bottoms up!” Jimbo said as he took down the brown brew. Coach laid back on his mat as he was drowsy. Looking up at the thatched roof of the hut this shaman called home, Jimbo wondered if he could give it all up for such simple accommodations. Could be nice, living without the pressure to fill in a blank year on a trophy he had yet to earn.

Then his stomach rebelled. “¡BAÑO! ¡BAÑO!” cried the coach, but the purge would not wait for a bathroom in any language. The visions accompanied his body’s expulsion of all vile things both biological and emotional. Past ills enveloped the coach swiftly and without mercy. He vomited as he saw a pack of Razorbacks ravage one of his ranches. His mind’s eye conjured a vision of Bulldogs shitting in his favorite fairway. Would the fever dreams ever stop?

But then, suddenly, everything became clear and calm. Coach Fisher saw a giant Reveille appear before him, she must’ve been 100 feet tall. Lovingly, giant Rev dipped her head down, gesturing for Jimbo to climb atop her nose. As he nestled into the fur atop her head, Rev barked, and suddenly Jimbo was let out of “class” and into “consciousness.”

He heard the War Eagle of Auburn screech as it streaked across the sky in front of them. Jimbo tugged on the fur, and realized he could steer Rev like a fighter jet. He yanked back hard, and Rev climbed higher and higher into the sky, catching the eagle in her jaw. Jimbo punched both fists full of fur forward, taking his Reveille X-Wing to the ground, War Eagle securely in-maw.

“Kill the Tide, and we set you free,” Jimbo whispered. The eagle nodded in agreement, conjured an elephant gun in its talons, and took off. Reveille barked again, and all of a sudden Jimbo was back in his office chair and drenched in sweat. Could it have all been a dream? He could have sworn he was just in Peru. But then Coach Fisher looked down on his desk and saw these words carved into the wood next to a carving of a slain elephant with an eagle perched atop its massive carcass:

“The Aggies can still get to Atlanta, unlike the Astros.”

Aggies 35
War Eagle 21

BOBO. The furrowed brow to Mark Richt’s easy smile. Practically SEC royalty, the man’s name buys him this space solely for the repurposing of inane Simpsons references. Speaking of Georgia...just saw the ticker say ATL 7-0 HOU and I guess the Falcons have an early touchdown lead over the Texans? [finger to earpiece] No? Baseball? Last night? Yikes. Sorry, gang.

WHO’LL STOP THE RUN? Saturday afternoon features 40% of the top ten rushers in the SEC: Isaiah Spiller (3), Tank Bigsby (5), Devon Achane (7), and Jarquez Hunter (8). The rest is rounded out by some guys from Bama, Kentucky, and the Mississippis and probably a Florida QB you would have sworn was injured.

MAKE THE HATE BARN LOUD. Texas A&M shut Auburn out the first time these teams played in 1911. In 1986 the Wrecking Crew beat Heisman winner Bo Jackson and crew by 3 touchdowns. The Aggies have the lead in the overall series, and have scoreboard. And the Aggies have never beaten Auburn on Kyle Field. This is how you build your mystique, Jimbo.

• This will be the most we’ve seen Nix landslide since Fleetwood Mac’s debut album.
• Bryan Harsin got pants coached off of him against Georgia 28 days ago, so I guess it’s time for his second dose.
• Texas A&M’s football team is the excellents, while Auburn is just The Plains.
• Auburn is known for bolstering athlete GPAs with easy classes, most notably one about the history of the world’s oldest profession. Point being, their football team has been the beneficiary of whore scholars for years.

Scattershooting while wondering whatever happened to Doug Barfield…

• We have made it to November. There are important football games still ahead for A&M. This is all we can ask for. Be playing in meaningful games late in the season. Lets enjoy these last four games and see what the hell happens from here.
• November is brats on the grill, Dopplebock, rivalry games, and bourbon over ice in a Styrofoam cup. These are the best of days in Texas. It’s the few weeks of the year that the weather isn’t absolute shit.
• Life is full of lessons. And this week we all learned that if you leave your family for a stripper named Pole Assassin, you damn sure better make sure her pet monkey co-star doesn’t get left unattended on Halloween. Take heed young ones.
• Imagine the amount of penicillin needed if horny ass Coach O got a job in Lubbock.
• Aggies 23-Toilet Paper Heavers 20. Wager accordingly friends.

Each week we are proud to bring you a concession review by a dignitary associated with one of the schools involved in the game.

College Station Has Fantastic Dining
by Jimbo Wales, Co-Founder of Wikipedia

Lovely to be here again1! It’s so nice to see all of you2. I just cannot wait to dive back into the rich culinary scene3 that is downtown College Station4. The thing I love the most about this town is the variety5: you’ve got chicken, chicken strips, chicken tenders, boneless wings...the options abound! It shouldn’t surprise me, what with the collective sophistication of the Aggie palate6. And the abundance of local-owned, mom-and-pop dives7 is just a delight. No homogenous suburbscape8 of chain restaurants9 in this place! Yep, the food scene here is as dynamic10 as the Aggie offense11. Bon Apetit, and apologies in advance for the Auburn win12!

1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10,11,12— disputed