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THE TAILGATE: A Graphical Preview of Texas A&M at LSU

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“Yea though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I shall fear no tigers from LSU.” -Billy Bob from Varsity Blues (kinda)

Howdy and welcome to Thanksgiving week! I’m acutely aware that there is a football game and that Coach O is going to lame duck his way through this one whilst dreaming about spending his buyout on… Jesus. So many things, to be honest. Someone should write a Tailgate intro on all the things Coach O is going to spend his buyout money on.

THE THINGS COACH O IS GOING TO SPEND HIS BUYOUT MONEY ON

1. No, I’m not writing this list do you think I want to get cancelled? Shit.

Most of y’all will be celebrating Thanksgiving this week with family and friends. Some of you like these people. Most of that some will be blind drunk by halftime of the Cowboys game. Cheers to you.

This week marks my third year of being off the sauce, but not the gravy as my inner child is one big fat fuck. God I can’t wait to eat. Binging on Thanksgiving is my favorite vice, and I’m really excited to make brisket sandwiches after my 3rd slice of pie on Thursday evening. I’m planning on needing whatever the equivalent of Naloxone is for when one overdoses on fat and sugar. I think that’s a new pancreas?

Oh, right. Jimbo injects himself with tryptophan and lucid dreams so hard that he sees Ol’ Sarge fighting Godzilla. Godzilla had an LSU shit on but then Sarge yelled “Sit Down Bus Driver” so well that the giant lizard exploded and his chunks formed the final score on the side of a building.

There, I did it. Whoop‘n’shit.

Ags 69
Tigers 10

DRY SPELL. The Ags haven’t won in Baton Rouge since September of 1994. Crank up your Pearl Jam, stream Friends on HBOMax (j/k never do this), and grab your Pogs or whatever and try to summon some of that Nineties Magic on Saturday. We’re facing a cornered beast.

RUNNING THE DANG BALL v12.0. This game features a pair of RBs flirting with thousand-yard seasons. It’s going to be raucous, folks may be slightly inebriated, and the trenches will be muddy. These offenses are visual tryptophan. Bon appétit.

LEAVE THE LEFTOVERS AT HOME. If you are going to this game, please walk around for several hours beforehand and eat everything offered to you. LSU will always win the pregame. Don’t ask what’s in it, because it’s fucking delicious. Just eat it.

  • Texas A&M is gonna win this one in a bleauxout.
  • LSU is gonna get boudain jeered by their own fans this Saturday.
  • They only way the Death Valley crowd noise will be intimidating is if they mic the tiger.
  • If Scott Woodward told people that Coach Fisher was going to come to Baton Rouge, he is a Jimbo liar.
  • LSU fans’ only chance at contentment is to revive the age old practice of pouring yourself a nice cup of coffee and burying your head in the sand. Yep, their best bet is the return of Joe Burrow.

Scattershooting while wondering whatever happened to Mike Archer…

  • Friends this has been a season of expectations, readjusted expectations, downgraded expectations, readjusting those upward, and then once again flipping back down. And yet we still have a chance to kick LSU in the nuts and try to finish with a 10 win season. E.T.R.
  • Start your Thanksgiving morning with a Bloody Mary (made with gin you heathens). By the time lunch rolls around your stomach is ready for a blasting of turkey and carbs. Added bonus: the filter is completely off when someone brings up the Horns and Kansas.
  • What the hell is DACOACHO going to do with all those purple and yellow merkins?
  • Skip the NFL games, pour some whiskey, jam some Wilco and prep your mind for the Egg Bowl.
  • I’m thankful for family, friends, Michigan-Ohio State, six game losing streaks, beating Alabama at night in Kyle Field, the Mountain West late night clean up parlays, and Rush, Wes, and Robert letting me blather silly little shit while getting to be a part of their genius each week here at the Tailgate.
  • Aggies 23: DACOACHOS LAST DEATH VALLEY BONER 21. Wager wisely, unwisely, who am I to judge!!

Each week we are proud to bring you a concession review by a dignitary associated with one of the schools involved in the game.

HAPPY THANKSGIVING FROM ROBERT EARL AND LYLE

Hello, gents. Let’s get right into it. What are y’all making this year for Thanksgiving? Let’s start with the main dish and add whatever sides you want to share. Sound off!

REK: Barbecue. Sliced beef and bread. Ribs and sausage, and cold Big Red.

LL: The sun comes up. In a coffee cup. Waitress please...I’ve had enough.

I like how you’re mixing it up, Robert. Great choices. Lyle, I hear ya on that one. This time of year is exhausting. Still, we’ve got to go through the motions, right? What’s a typical Thanksgiving like in your homes?

REK: Brother Ken brought his kids with him. The three from his first wife Lynn. And the two identical twins from his second wife, Mary Nell. Of course he brought his new wife Kay. Who talks all about AA, chain-smokin’ while the stereo plays Noel, Noel. (The First Noel)

LL: And the woman inside my house, she won’t stop talking. She never says a thing, she just keeps talking. And I might just leave her still. After the sun goes down. And I smoke this cigarette.

Brothers, we’ve all been there. Harsh, but honest. Hopefully this year is a bit more relaxing for all parties. Hit those Nicoderm patches hard on Black Friday.

Okay, last question. What meal would you wish for right now, at this moment, to materialize in front of you? What’s your penultimate comfort food?

REK & LL (in unison): Just a steaming, greasy plate of enchiladas. With lots of cheese and onion, and a guacamole salad.

Fuck yes. Let’s eat, folks!

BTHOLSU