THE TAILGATE: A Graphical Preview of Texas A&M vs Prairie View A&M

I gotta apologize. Last week I made a bold prediction that was incorrect in two separate ways. The first is that Ohio State was the first 4 seed to win the natty. The second was that the Aggies would win out and somehow end up in the playoff and win it all. So, I was wrong and I apologize.

Here are some more bold predictions:

• Sip will not win a conference championship for at least 30 more years.
• The FTAB will play Neck during one of the last three games.
• GameStop will moon next week.
• If you forward this article to five friends, your crush will text you by the end of the day.
• That text will read “lmao no.”
• The next Governor of Texas will be Willie Nelson and he will serve until he is 136 years old.
• I will write a bestselling novel that will turn into a cinematic universe. This book will be based on a chosen person who attends an Agricultural and Mechanical University… for, like, idk mummies or some shit. We’re running out of wild characters.
• Jimbo stays at A&M.
• Oh, oh yeah, someone on the staff does 5-MEO-DMT and sees the elves. They predict the score.

Ags: 67
PVAMU: 17

OPPORTUNISM. The Prairie View defense knows how to score this year, too. Safety Drake Cheatum is the chief architect, with four interceptions and one score. Fortunately for us, the Aggie offense has been humming and clicking like a well-oiled machine recently [smiles forcefully and blinks so hard tears form in my eyes]

PROTECTION. The Panther OL has done a tremendous job protecting Jawon Pass this year, giving up only ten sacks through nine games. They haven’t seen a front seven like this, though. Something’s got to give this week, right? Hello? Is there anyone list—

AWAY FOR THE HOLIDAYS. Last chance to go play in the shiny new Kyle Fieldplex until next year. Load up a tub of nachos and grab an extra garbage bag full of kettle corn for those who stayed home. It’s going to be a beautiful Fall day for football.

• After watching his team get trucked by the Aggies, Prairie View’s head coach is gonna be so overly tired that he’ll legally change his name to Eric Dually.
• Scoring opportunities for the Panthers will be Prairie few and far between.
• More like “Not a prayer”-ie View, amirite?
• Some people are against playing FCS opponents, but that opinions is SWAC.

Scattershooting while wondering whatever happened to Henry Frazier III…

• Fun history lesson there are exactly two Land Grant Universities in Texas: Texas A&M and Prairie View A&M. Suck it Tech!
• Sweeping the state of Alabama, and then getting swept by the state of Mississippi is like having a ménage-á-trois with Lisa Turtle and Kelly Kapowski and then waking up naked and bound with Mr. Belding and Mr. Carosi and a plate of stale nachos and empty Four Loko cans everywhere.
• Football in the entire state of Florida is just a giant diaper filled with mud butt.
• At some point Longhorn football is going to become so fucking sad that I actually feel sorry for them. It’s probably still 30 years from now when Texas Coach Tathan Martell loses to UConn to get relegated to DIII…ahh you know what…fuck em it’ll still be funny.
• Starting to get a B1G Boner thinking about the possibility of The Game on Thanksgiving weekend with EVERYTHING on the line. Rivalries matter friends.
• Lets win this game, stay healthy, get better, and point ourselves toward Baton Rouge to send that Cajun Dickslapper DACOACHO out with an ass kicking.
• Aggies 46 : Bad Ass Marching Storm Band 3. Wager however you want I’m almost out of cash money bitches.

Each week we are proud to bring you a concession review by a dignitary associated with one of the schools involved in the game.

Good Thing The McRib Is Back
by Arthur Bryant

Since my Panthers are visiting College Station this weekend (and it’s a slow week for me here in the Afterlife), I thought I’d scope out the BBQ scene. If you’re waiting with bated breath for me to gush over your favorite local spot, allow me to refer you to my previous entry: the title.

Good thing the McRib is back. Pick up a bagful at the corner of Wellborn on your way into town.

Of course there are other options: local joints, chain joints, joints right there around campus, joints way out in the country. But to be truthful, the only joint I can earnestly and honestly recommend is a little too far out of range for most folks.

As you weigh your future decisions and subsequently feel the imminent weight of the uncertainty of the universe hanging over you, take solace once more that not all is lost forever.

The McRib is Back.

Go A&M