10 keys to victory for Texas A&M vs. Alabama

Texas A&M sits at 3-2 on the season, and faces their toughest test yet in 2021 as they host the undefeated defending national champion Alabama Crimson Tide on Saturday night. A win in this game will obviously be difficult. Some might say impossible. But there is always a path to victory, no matter how hard it is to see. With that in mind, let’s break down the 10 keys to the Aggies pulling off the upset over the Tide.

Aggies finally put it all together

This team has talent, but has been plagued by injuries, poor execution and questionable schemes. If that all ends on Saturday, if the right adjustments are made, if young guys finally take that next step, A&M has the horses to make this game.

Win the turnover battle

Turnovers are usually one of the biggest indicators of who will win a game. But in this case, we’re not talking about winning the battle 2-1. More like 8-1. 10-1 would be ideal. Like Bryce Young gets the yips and every pass is just a lame duck looking to find a linebacker. Like the Bama center launches every snap into the back of the end zone. Like John Metchie inexplicably but politely hands each ball he catches to the nearest cornerback. You never know, it could happen.

Entire Crimson Tide roster ejected for Targeting

At the end of the year, a forfeit is just as good as an actual win, right? The penalties called on the kicker and punter will be especially entertaining.

Let the grass grow long at Kyle

You’ve probably heard of teams not cutting the grass to try and negate the other team’s speed advantage. That’s not what I’m talking about. What I have in mind is much more extreme. I want African savannah length grass. I want grass like where the Raptors took everyone out in Jurassic Park: The Lost World. Bama players won’t just get slowed by it, they’ll get lost in it. They’ll run right into DeMarvin Leal wearing a ghillie suit. Some of them won’t even be accounted for until early Sunday morning.

Unexplained “power outages”

It’s not our fault that the power grid in Texas is unstable, and it’s not our fault that the power went out at exceptionally convenient times for the Aggie football team. And it’s DEFINITELY not our fault that we had the foresight to equip our entire team with night vision goggles and Alabama did not. Get your guys ready to play next time, Nick.

Hallucinogens in Alabama’s Gatorade

Nothing too dangerous. Just enough to make them think the endzone is lava or that the A&M players are panthers. Not the team from Carolina like actual panthers.

Pay off Nick Saban

Forget the refs, that won’t be enough. Gotta think bigger. I have no idea what absurd amount of money it would take to convince Nick Saban to throw a football game, but history has taught me that the Big Money Ags are willing to pay it.

Hack every scorekeeping mechanism in the world

Rig the Kyle Field scoreboards, the CBS score bug, the ESPN ticker, all of the smartphone apps, all the websites. All of it. “But Robert,” you say, “what about the millions of people who will watch the game and know the outcome?” Simple, blame it on the Mandela Effect. The human mind is an imperfect machine, bla bla bla. What will start as a fervent outcry that they were right will eventually fade into a barely audible murmur similar to the people who claim they read “The Berenstein Bears” instead of “The Berenstain Bears.”

Bama football team accidentally flies to South America

The three-letter code for College Station’s Easterwood Airport is CLL. But a simple mispronounciation during the flight plan turns that to CLO, the code of Alfonso Bonilla Aragón International Airport in western Colombia. The customs nightmare alone ensures there’s no way Alabama makes it back stateside by kickoff.

The 12th Man Spirit overwhelms the Tide

I don’t mean our fervent fan support, I mean the actual ghost of E. King Gill rises from the depths of Kyle Field and terrorizes the visiting sideline for four hours, require at least three halftime exorcisms. Never gonna hear any of that “Kyle Field isn’t intimidating” talk ever again.