THE TAILGATE: A Graphical Preview of Texas A&M vs South Carolina

“I love it here, that’s the first thing I’m gonna say and I’m not gonna say much more about it except for the fact that I love it here. This is home to me. Y’all have embraced me, my family, and my foundation. We’re building something here, and it’s special. I love my AD. I love the president. I love this university

“And another thing about this is that I couldn’t possibly be happier than I am here. Here being Texas A&M University. And I plan on completing my contract. Here. At this university named Texas A&M. My wife, she loves it here. So does my son. I love my players. I have ranches here. Y’all know what that’s like, when you have several ranches.

“You can’t get to the ranches as easily if you’re out of state, and selling more than one ranch? That’s just stupid. It takes time and land is an investment. Long play. Just like my contract here at this university that I love.

“We’re waiting for both investments, land and players, to grow. You know what I think? I think we’re playing South Carolina this week, that’s what I think. And a lesser man? He’d probably sit up here and say things like, ‘we’re gonna beat the snot out of these cocks’ thinking that y’all don’t get that it’s a masturbation joke

“Well, I know you’re smarter than that. You know a cock joke when you hear one. That’s another reason why I love it here. Can’t get anything by y’all. Now a cock ain’t nothing more than a chicken, and they’re scared. Scared little chickens. That’s why I hired members of the Gracie family to come by practice this week. They’re showing these boys the proper way to choke a chicken.

“Jerkin off ain’t THAT funny, Olin. Stop laughing.”

Ags 48
Cocks 10

BEAMERBALL 2.0—NGL, these t-shirts are sharp! They’re also walking the walk: the Cocks have blocked three kicks this year, the third-most in the nation. No P5 team has blocked more kicks, so, uh...watch for that.

JUGGER-NOTS—Saturday’s matchup features half of the bottom four in the SEC in total offense. Dust off your lucky punting drinking games, and don’t forget to swill every container in the house if one of these teams attains a score of 5 at any point.

JIMBORFISHERCORCHELLESSYOU—Folks, at the very first faint whisper by the announcing crew of any coaching carousel rumors I implore you to dial up this decade-old masterpiece, because it is every single useless stream of pointless speculation distilled perfectly into a one-minute read.

• Shane Beamer’s main goal at USC is to eliminate unnecessary Ls. One of the best ways to accomplish this is better cock management.
• The Texas A&M secondary is gonna give Zeb no land.
• If South Carolina loses to Texas A&M for the eighth year in a row, they’re gonna start calling it the “bah, numb” trophy.
• If the Aggies beat the Gamecocks, do we sandstorm the field?

Scattershooting while wondering whatever happened to Sparky Woods…

• Losing the Texas game and picking up a bastard rivalry game with South Carolina is still by far the shittiest consequence of conference realignment. Hopefully this gets fixed soon and we can punt this game into space.
• South Carolina had more success hiring over the hill prior championship level coaches. They don’t need an up and comer like Shane Beamer. They need someone that’s burning through his retirement cash and having to hawk Indian casino a/c units and shitty glam rock tequila. They need Bob Stoops.
• Learning that DACOACHO just drives around Baton Rouge randomly hitting on women at gas stations has been a highlight of the week for me. But how do these women even know he’s hitting on them. Maybe they can decipher a few keys words like DAPENIS and HUMPIN UR BOOTAY. Or maybe he just rolls down his window, does a few lewd hand gestures and yells GO TIGAHS! That’s probably more accurate.
• Aggies 27 - South Carolina (Insert Cock Joke Here) 10. Wager accordingly friends.

Each week we are proud to bring you a concession review by a dignitary associated with one of the schools involved in the game.

‘Food here nothing to write home about,’ writes area man
by James Bonham

Brother Milledge-

Profuse apologies for the delay in my correspondence. I’ve been rampantly busy establishing myself in the newly-formed Army of Texas. My efforts have proved fruitful thus far, as you are now conversing with a freshly-commissioned Major! General Sam Houston himself bestowed this great honor upon me. Yes, Texas has proven to be a boon in every regard save one: put quite simply, the food repulses me.

Oh, how I yearn to be lounging in the dunes, gazing out over Charleston Harbor and devouring just-shucked oysters washed down with chilled wine! Or to be seated in a waterfront tavern in Mobile with our cousins, the steaming platters piled high with fresh Gulf shrimp and Delta-grown greens. Such repasts are now confined to my dreams, dear brother, for the fare here is rough and simple, to put it kindly.

Here in Bexar, the primary sustenance of the native-born locals seems to be wrapping various forms of protein in discs of cooked corn-meal. But do not deign to call it a sandwich! No, these are called tacos, or tamales, or any other number of variants, depending on contents, cooking method, and size. The settlers seem to dine mainly on rodents and their own version of corn-cakes, plus whatever meager provender the hostile soil can provide. As for the Army food, well, let’s just say it pales in comparison with the nutriment back at the University of South Carolina. It’s just as well that we have no time to yearn for fine-dining here as preparations for Santa Anna’s impending invasion have taken up the lion’s share of our available time.

So I bid you adieu, younger brother, with a mouthful of stale salt pork and a dream of saltwater brunches. Give my regards to Pa and tell Mother that I’m eating fine.

J.B. Bonham