THE TAILGATE: A Graphical Preview of Texas A&M at Missouri

Jimbo Fisher beat his old boss on national TV on his birthday this past Saturday. I know in this column… is this a column? What is this anyway? Anyway, I know in this section I do a great deal of speculation into the drug habits of the Head Football Coach of your Fightin’ Texas Aggies, but I’m pretty sure Jimbo is a professional who, at most, will over serve himself with some dark liquor every now and then.

But he beat his old boss. Who happens to be Nick Saban. And was the first former assistant to do so in 25 tries. On his damn birthday. In prime time. After losing two in a row. One to Arkansas and the other to Mississippi State. And Johnny Football was there. Y’all, Johnny tweeted about buying rounds for everyone at Northgate. Shit went down on Saturday night. Bet. What exactly went down, we will never know.

But we can speculate.

“Got ‘em. No they didn’t! OH MY GRACIOUS!” Jimbo exclaims as Johnny Football recreates his infamous touchdown pass with a roll of TP in the Fuego men’s room. Neither man had done meth before, but you only turn 56 and beat the number one team in the nation with the last QB to do it on your sidelines once.

“Shit of it is, if they had given me this shit before THAT game? Cheat code. We’d have won by way more swear to God. Coach, do you ever get that… not so fresh feeling… down there?” Johnny asks.

Jimbo nods and starts to answer, “Well young man, someti…”

“COACH NO! No. I’m kidding, sheeeeit. Lesgo.”

“Where?”

“Ever been to the cockfights in Bryan? If you make a winning bet, you get to deep fry the loser.”

“Let’s go to Austin.” Jimbo says. “…leave some brake pads on Sark’s doorstep. YOU NEED THESE TO STOP FOR GAS, SHITHEAD!”

Both men laugh and pass out. Fuego closed 3 hours prior.

Ags 38
Misery 21

ZACH ATTACH. Calzada stamped his name in Aggie lore this past Saturday. What’s the next chapter? Let’s grow this legend. Give us a 500-yard game if you read the TAILGATE.

YA JUST SAY ‘WINGO’. This gentleman is listed as a 6’1”, 275-lb freshman defensive tackle, but check out the moves when he gets the ball off the tip. That’s not going to happen this week, though!

THE BIG UNASKED QUESTION. Will there be a letdown? Inevitably. We cannot maintain an existence on the plane of supernatural football that was borne out of Saturday night. That’s life. We can be a much more human team this weekend, yet still show huge strides in improvement for the season. In short, don’t start drinking glass with bleach chasers if we’re not winning by 21 after the first quarter, okay? Give Jimbo a chance to finish the game. He knows how.

• The Mizzou coach may not be very good at football, but he seems like he’d be a cool guy to Drinkwitz.
• The Tigers run defense is so watered down we should call them Miss-slurry.
• Aggie Football: Takes down the Crimson Tide. Missouri Football: Robot does the electric slide.
• More like Connor baes lack. (to be clear, this is a blogger making fun of a Division I quarterback about his ability to find a romantic partner)
• I hate to say that Missouri has the worst tiger mascot in the SEC, but it’s Truman.

Scattershooting while wondering whatever happened to Barry Odom…

• No really, I mean that. What happened to Barry Odom? Until 7 minutes ago I didn’t realize he wasn’t still the coach at Missouri. Did y’all know the head coach is named Eliah Drinkwitz? That’s not a football coach. That’s a tax attorney from Round Rock.
• I’ll be the first to admit I haven’t paid much attention to Mizzou football until now. That’s partly because Missouri ranks in the top 10 for me of boring ass football programs. And also because I’m still riding that high from Saturday night. I mean an 11:00 am kick at Mizzou sounds like something that is happening this weekend, but I’m also still contemplating spray painting “YOU’RE KILLING ME SMALLS!” on Nick Saban’s statue in Tuscaloosa.
• And I’m not taking this game lightly. By Saturday I’ll brush up on this matchup. I’m sure we will have something that Missouri struggles with. Like an athletic defense. And spicy food. And button up shirts that aren’t camouflage.
• I saw where Coach Sark says he still believes in his defense after the OU game. I haven’t seen someone that deranged trying to sell something that soft since the My Pillow Guy.
• Aggies all over the world, and on the field, finally wake up from the Bama celebration around noon on Saturday, in time to handle business. Ags 27, Missouri 16, Wager wisely my friends.

Each week we are proud to bring you a concession review by a dignitary associated with one of the schools involved in the game.

Faurot Field Health Inspection Reports
by Robert Loggia (R.I.P.)

Hey, folks. I know we’re all ready to go shovel down the kettle corn and brats on Saturday. It’s an early kickoff against the Aggies, and that’s not something you want to chance on an empty stomach. I just wanna go over this report card from last year before we all turn ourselves loose in the biggest food court in Missouri.

Records from the 2019 football season show that inspectors handed out fewer violations in 2019 than they did in 2018, down from 205 violations to 153.

Hey, that’s great! Coach’s got ‘em moving in the right direction!

However, the violations appeared to be more severe at one stand, with a threatened closure of the Northeast Grill, which is a trailer at the stadium.

During a visit on Oct. 12, inspectors noticed seven violations including an employee eating over the cutting board.

Uh-ohh. Hey wait a minute..says here the stand is just a trailer. All he’s gotta do is move it across the parking lot and slap half a new sign up and he’s back in business as the Southeast Grill. Then the Northwest Grill C’mon, gang! He’s one step ahead of ya!

Northeast Grill was able to fix its violations and remain open for the rest of the season. In total, the stand was given 13 violations for issues such as a sink not working and an employee cup that was growing mold.

Whoa. Hey, we sure that wasn’t a mobile science lab? Anybody check with the chemistry faculty?

However, Northeast Grill did not receive the most violations.

Oh, hell. There’s a worse place?

Show Me Kitchen was handed 16 violations during the 2019 football season. Inspectors cited that stand for having expired tomatoes and raw chicken splashing onto ready-to-eat buns.

Hey, I’m all for freedom of expression in the kitchen but I draw the line at salmonella as a condiment, okay? ‘Show Me Kitchen?’ Well that goes to show ya. Stick a popular motto on something and the rubes will buy it expired tomatoes and all. Guess you gotta be pretty hungry to eat at a football game.

Sixteen stands were not cited with any violations during the 2019 football season.

On second thought...find out which ones are these places and stick to those.

Enjoy the game! Don’t make me give one of my halftime speeches.