I Wrote This While Wearing My Haz-Mat Uniform

BY THACKTOR

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Mph fll mphum, gphmlsph. Mmphlubberhmmmpzm? Yph. Aggmph umph Jmpho gphmma slasph fucking mmmph.

Klaphbberfla mmphmmmba mmm fflllgggh. Fffpplllmmpmba sca?

Aggies: 34 SMU-Nashville: 10

THANK YOU POTENTIAL SPONSORS

BY SHOOTER FLATCH

Due to the loss of gate revenues from Covid restrictions, Aggie Football is looking to replace those funds with additional sponsors in 2020. Slovacek Sausage can't cover that bill! GBH is here to help.

In case you missed it, this season the Aggies have decided to go with the 90's throwback look with their uniforms. Those white face masks and shiny helmets put a bulge in my jean shorts! In honor of that, our Week One sponsors take us back a few decades.

ZIMA

That's right kiddos, your generation didn't invent shitty, tasteless clear malt liquor. When Corey Pulig was slingin the rock feeding the ball to Leeland McElroy, we were mesmerized by these magical clear bottles of boozy goodness. Sure they tasted like ass and left you with a hangover from the Devil his own self, but THEY WERE CLEAR! Watching a rusty A&M team struggle with Vanderbilt for 3 hours demands the right beverage. So drop a Jolly Rancher in your Zima and crank back that bottle of green apple horse piss!

ASKJEEVES.COM!

Before Google knew that you needed to see a podiatrist and had a fetish for assless chaps and Buffy the Vampire Slayer (note to self: delete that search history one more time), the only way to find out something from the Internet was to Ask Jeeves! For instance, this week you could type in "What the hell is ESPN SEC Alternate+ and why are we not televised on a normal channel in the year 2020 dammit?"

HONDA DEL SOL

You want to pay for an over-priced private education in Nashville? Hell yeah. Luckily you can still cruise the Smoky Mountains in this sad-sack yet affordable convertible on the weekends, bragging about your pre-law ethics class while ignoring the most recent shit stomp to your football team. S-E-C? No...S-O-L!!

WHO HAS MORE?

BY ROBERT BEHRENS

WHAT TO WATCH FOR

BY DR. NORRIS CAMACHO

INADVERTENT FACEMASK

Get ready for the FanCam O'Shame coming at you in 2020. Sure, not wearing a mask is a CHOICE of PERSONAL RESPONSIBILITY. Just so happens that choice will get you roasted by the Brits and a good chunk of college football Twitter. If you ain't shovelin' nachos in your yellhole or guzzling a $8 Pepsi, please don't uncover, for everyone's sake.

SOCIAL DISTANCING

The 'Dores return quite a bit of secondary experience on a defense that was only better than Arkansas last year in most passing categories. Meanwhile, the Aggies have simply harvested another new crop of wideouts from the seemingly endless supply that magically regenerate each year in College Station. Folks, have ya heard about this one? The DB was practicing responsible measures by leaving six feet of separation between himself and the receiver,,,,no, it's true!

EXCESSIVE HAND-WRINGING

Sure, this may be a home opener against Vandy in a season chock-full of asterisks, but that doesn't mean the Aggie faithful won't clog the webwaves with shrieks of despair at the first sign of non-perfection. Look for intense wailing and gnashing of teeth across the entire galaxy of Aggie Internet if we're only up by 14 in the third quarter.

ELSEWHERE IN THE SEC

BY DR. NORRIS CAMACHO

KIFFINMULLENGEDDON

#5 FLORIDA at OLE MISS – 11 a.m. ESPN

[emerges from summer coma] Florida. Fifth? The fuck?

If you don't think Lane Kiffin has embraced Mississippi culture, you haven't seen him lately. You don't get this type of glowingly robust physique eating kale or paleo. This crowd's gonna be electric for the return of Dan Mullen, and we're not just talking about all the static cling coming off thousands of fleece pullovers now that the temps have dipped below 80, gang,,.

HAIR OF THE DAWG

MISSISSIPPI STATE at #6 LSU – 2:30 p.m. CBS

LSU gets to debut their answer to one of the greatest teams in modern history against Mike Leach in the harsh afternoon sunlight. Not exactly their comfort zone. Look for both teams to shit the bed for a couple of quarters before COACHO kicks his squad into overdrive and Mike Leach squanders a couple of fourth-down gambles. Mike The Tiger >> Mike The Pirate.

SEC LEAST

#16 TENNESSEE at SOUTH CAROLINA – 6:30 p.m. SECN

The University of Tennessee just gave Jeremy Pruitt a raise and a contract extension a few days before he's even coached a game in a season rampant with restrictions and uncertainty, amid stories about smaller universities hemorrhaging money. Karma would normally dictate that we pull for South Carolina here, but Karma has also met Will Muschamp several times, so this one's a cosmic toss-up, one of those rare instances where you're happy no matter who loses.

ANCHORS CLOWNED

BY GBH STAFF

Gaston joins the village people ass mascot

Nice mug, Scrutiny on the Bounty

Business school up front, frat party in the back

The Rock thinks that eyebrow is a little bit over the top

If I wanted to see this, I'd drop acid and watch Master & Commander

Well, if it isn't Captain Topper Bottoms

There's actually a lot of competition among the students to see who gets to wear a costume and not be seen at a Vanderbilt game.

Captain Bligh? More like Captain Thigh,

Dry cleaners, make all my clothes look like diapers please

BONUS: mullet doubles as an industrial-strength wire brush

If Cullen Bohannon had a child with Miss Piggy

I thought Captain Ahab *hunted* the whitest thing I've ever seen

Jason Voorhees Goes To College

Pardon the gloves and jackboots, I was just checking Clay Travis for lice again

HOT REELZ

BY CUPPYCUP