AUSTIN, Texas — actor and ordained minister Matthew McConaughey interviewed Dr. Anthony Fauci, the director of the National Institute of Allergy and Infectious Diseases and member of the nation’s Coronavirus Task Force on Instagram. Good Bull Hunting got exclusive access to the discussion that is scheduled to air on Thursday.
McConaughey: Hola, Doctor Antonio. How’s America’s Medicine Man?
Dr. Fauci: Good evening, Matthew. It’s a pleasure to be with you.
McConaughey: Dig, dig. Now the surname Fauci is Sicilian. Means sickle. The agrarian tool for reaping the harvest. Reckon we need a fauci - that Italiano scalpel - to dissect Corona V. What say you?
Dr. Fauci: Yes, it’s been a very challenging year all around the world and we must work together to slow the spread.
McConaughey: I get it, man. It’s a viscous virus. Stic-ky. Creepin’ into our psyches and our blood aqueducts. Car-di-o-vas-cu-lar, k?
Dr. Fauci: Well, yes, that’s certainly one way of lookin-
McConaughey: Tell you what I dig about you, Doctor Fowch. You’ve got an energy. A vitality, k? A get-up-and-go ethos that says, “It’s 3-and-15, amigos, and the football is your greased hopes and dreams.” Who’s gonna make a play?
Dr. Fauci: Well, it’s an honor to serve in this capacity, I just wish it was under different circumstances.
McConaughey: Lemme tell you something, Healer Numero Uno. The cosmos chooses us. Think I set out to be a minister? Clergy? Nah, man. I was fixin’ to film Failure to Launch Dos with Terry Bradshaw. But the Man Upstairs [does a double hook ‘em to the sky] had other plans. There was a calling that required that I heed accordingly. You were ordained for this moment. You’re our viral shaman. Heed the call.
Dr. Fauci: Yes, well I did study and train for many years specifically for instances such as these.
McConaughey: Bingo bongo.
Dr. Fauci: And I’m hopeful that if we take the proper precautions we can make our way through this pandemic.
McConaughey: Yes, bueno, let’s wade into the pool of circumspections. I’m going to hit you with a little rapid fire. Fuego rápido, k?
Dr. Fauci: [smiles nervously] I’m ready.
McConaughey: Masks - ceremonial, tribal, metaphorical... what say you?
Dr. Fauci: Well, I think I’ve been clear for months that masks are an essential tool for thwarting the spread of COVID-19.
McConaughey: Hmm interesting. Not what I expected. Onward. Let’s talk fiestas. How many people is too many, and how few is not enough?
Dr. Fauci: I recommend that people limit their social gatherings as much as possible.
McConaughey: Noted. MOC Taco Fiesta for one, thanks for comin.’ Let’s powwow about peace pipes. My neighbor Skeeter says the peace pipe is medicinal and kills Coronita V. Do you endorse?
Dr. Fauci: I am not aware of any studies that suggest smoking from a pipe is an effective treatment for this virus.
McConaughey: Gonna pencil that in as a maybe. Guac or queso?
Dr. Fauci: [confused] Well, avocados are quite healthy, so sometimes I’ll eat it as a side with my boiled chicken breast.
McConaughey: Ahh a pollo man. I see you, Fowch dog [laughs mischievously]. Tell you this, Healer Fauci. I’ve felt this virus. This pesky pathogen. I’ve listened to it, too. Lessons to be learned from this microorganism. [begins swirling both index fingers] As much wreckage as been brought, I feel the connections [webs fingers together, laughs to self]. Ultimately it’s one big symphony with you on the fiddle and me slappin’ those bongo skins.
Dr. Fauci: Are those instruments in a traditional symphony?
McConaughey: Exactly! That’s just it - the paradigm has shifted. The worthy adversary aims to be the maestro, but it’s incumbent upon us to play a new tune. A new mel-o-dy. I say we embrace it.
Dr. Fauci: I sure do admire your positivity.
McConaughey: You’re an oak, Doc. I’m just tryin’ to keep you hydrated. Flu-id-i-ty.
Dr. Fauci: This has been informative. Thank you so much for being an advocate for our efforts.
McConaughey: It’s a pilgrimage, Tony, and I need a prescription. The vaccine is you, me, a cooler of crispy cold ones, and some smoked cabrito. Let’s feast.