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Spring Ball Platitudes: Let’s Talk About How Your Team Is Doing!

The offseason content you crave

FBC-COTTONBOWL-TEXASAM Photo by Ron T. Ennis/Fort Worth Star-Telegram/Tribune News Service via Getty Images

We’re in the middle of a gd plague right now now while all of us muddle through work and homeschooling and just doing what we need to do to stay healthy...all while we should be focusing on the minutiae of spring college football practice.

I love spring ball. I love the speculation, the excitement, the utter meaninglessness of obsessing about every single report. I miss it dearly.

Which is why it’s time for me to to let you know how your team is doing in spring ball.

It’s an exciting time of year, and the team is coming in refocused. The team has reflected on how the year ended, and are coming in focused and with a new energy. Workouts have been intense, and there’s a lot of great vocal leadership stepping up—in fact players have been holding each other accountable to showing up early and getting some solid time in—surely a great sign for the season to come.

The coaching staff spent the offseason visiting other successful programs to find out how they could be doing better...AND they were visited by even more programs, which means that they’re all doing a great job. Really exciting stuff. That new coach we have on staff—woo buddy they’re coming with an energy and excitement never before seen, and it’s showing up on the field.

The scheme has been tweaked to let players play faster and more instinctive, while also being complex enough to confuse the shit out of the opponents—and you know what? The players have bought in man. They’re no longer worried about assignments, rather they’re just reacting and it’s great to watch.

In fact, the other day the defense absolutely won the scrimmage. Is that good news? Who knows! Maybe the defense is great, maybe the offense is trash. What an exciting time for all of us!

Let’s break down a few positions:


Everyone has put on great weight. Knee bend in offensive lineman is outstanding. They’ve all been doing yoga in the offseason (quirky!) and it shows in how well they’re able to shed tacklers, and should absolutely help stave off injuries. That one DE that hasn’t really done much in the 2 years that he’s been here? Woo buddy, he’s flying off the edge and is basically unblockable. Unfortunately its against your new left tackle...again is it good? is it bad? WHAT A TIME TO BE ALIVE.


Because of all the good weight some have put on, others have lost weight, which is OK too! So we’ve spun a safety down to linebacker, and a linebacker has leaned out to try his hand at a new found rover position. We call it a rover, you might call it a robber, grave digger, 7Z in a 3-3-5 stack, it’s all the same. But everyone is flying to the ball. Corners have increased their hip flexibility and are just insanely good at back peddling. That one WR that you were really needing to take a step forward didn’t have a single catch against that JUCO DB that came in. That’s good news right?

One more thing: there’s a walk on linebacker who played 1A ball, who has been tearing stuff up. Keep an eye on him because he’s going to push those blue chippers for a starting job. Stars dont matter. Heart does.

The heart matters.


No one cares. Just kidding. They’re off kicking balls and having a great time. Love those guys. Keep up the good work.


The position is really starting to click for the returning starter, and the offensive coaches have finally decided to let him be him and not strangle him with schemes and play calls. There’s a mutual level of trust between player and coach creating this beautiful synergy. His balls against air have been phenomenal, great placement overall. He’s been tremendously vocal in offseason workouts and man it’s just gonna be a fantastic year for him.

BUT JUST IN CASE IT ISN’T! Woo buddy that redshirt freshman behind him is something. Kid’s got a rocket arm, and some of the throws he makes are just NFL quality. He’s still got some learning to do, but he might just be too talented to keep on the bench. He’s quick, fast, can throw the ball over those mountains, He’s improved on his decision making too, and has only thrown 2 INTs all offseason (is that good? is it bad? THE SUSPENSE IS DELICIOUS) but the team really loves the starter. Will they learn to love him?


It feels like all the WRs have grown three inches in the span of the offseason, which is testament to the weight room work they’re doing. In fact, they’re all benching upwards of 300 pounds right now, which has to be great news. They’ve been working with the jugs machine, and haven’t seen a single drop all season.

And oh man. That one freshman? The highly recruited kid who was an early enrollee? Unstoppable. He’ll absolutely be returning punts at the minimum and will probably take over as a starter by the time conference play begins.

RBs have improved tremendously in blitz pick up, in fact it’s like they’re clairvoyant about where the blitzes are coming. Is that as a result of your new defensive coordinator being predictable? Probably not! The RBs have been working with that highly touted skill guy in the offseason and it shows. Cuts are sharper, they’re catching balls out of the backfield, and really going to add a new dimension to the offense.

Coaches promise that this is the year the TE is going to play a huge role in the offense. Think of the possibilities!


Last but not least let’s talk about your head coach. This is a big year for him. He’s got a few of his classes under his belt (forget about those scrubs that were recruited by the other guy) and its time for him to turn the corner. He knows that and feels a sense of excitement about what the season is going to bring. At the same time he’s trying to keep the team humble and focused. It’s one day at a time one play at a time. The only team we’re worried about is us. We’ll worry about everyone else when the season starts. But you know what? He’s grateful. Grateful for the time to work on us and do what we do best.


Let me tell you. This spring has been great for your team. There were tons of recruits at the spring game and every single one of them had the time of their lives even though they couldn’t understand the process by which the game was scored. It doesn’t matter. A few who were STRONG leans to your rival are now officially wide open and considering your program, which is pretty dang great and a testament to how your coaches are approachable and real, and their coaches are bullies and only get players because they pay.

So that’s how spring ball is going. Feel free to add anything I missed in the comments!