ABSURD GAME PREDICTION

BY WES DAVIS

"I'll be down in a minute, Sally!" Mack Brown yells as he slips into his bathroom, locks the door, and removes the painting on the far wall to reveal a keypad. He punches numbers unseen, but whose tone lets out the first 9 notes of "The Eyes of Texas." The wall spins 90 degrees to revel a Zelda-esque secret room with two lit lanterns adorning the far wall. A single altar sits in the center of the room across from a small kneeling bench. As Coach Brown approaches, the wall spins shut to conceal the ceremony.

Coach Brown kneels at the altar and from his pocket he retrieves a blade and a tiny pair of longhorns. After a quick prayer at the altar, Coach Brown rises and approaches the far wall. Between the lanterns, he places the tiny longhorns on the ground. Blade in his left hand, Coach makes the "hook em" gesture with his right and swiftly slices his palm. The wound begins to bleed, and Brown shakes his horned hand to the beat of "Texas Fight" sending droplets of fresh blood to the longhorns below. When the song is finished, Brown returns to the altar to wait.

Suddenly, smoke emits from below the horns, and they begin to grow exponentially. A large bovine-humanoid appears before Brown, and it is pissed off.

"YOU HAVE BEEN BANISHED FROM THE POWER OF HORNICUS, BROWN! THE FANS HAVE SPOKEN!"

"HORNICUS! You owe me one final act of service per my exit clause in my contract." Brown retorts, as he produces his contract and shows Hornicus the pertinent language. "Help me defeat Aggy one last time, and we're square."

"Defeat Aggy is all you had to say," Hornicus replies, grinning from ear to ear. "Now, let Hornicus occupy your body and the process can begin."

Brown's mouth opens wide. Then wider. Then his jaw unhinges. Brown's mouth becomes comically wide, encompassing more than half of the entire room so he can easily consume the entirety of Hornicus, who has grown to over 10 feet tall. Brown returns to normal size, and satisfied with the knowledge that he has an ancient god inside him to help, begins thinking of breakfast with his wife.

As he sits with Sally over a grapefruit and a cup of coffee, Coach Brown begins to feel a little weird. In that instant, horns sprout from his head, his hands and feet turn into hooves, and a giant bull ring appears on his nose.

"IT IS HAPPENING, SALLY!" Coach Brown exclaims! "I AM BECOME HORNICUS, DESTROYER OF AGGY!" Coach Brown, drunk with bovine strength, begins to stomp and kick around the kitchen, putting dents in the appliances and guaranteeing $1,200 of shiplap work.

"It's gonna wear off." Sally says, flatly. "The acid, Mack. It's gonna wear off. You're not a cow-god, you're a coach."

Stunned, Mack realizes he is still just a human. A human who has just shit on the floor while kicking the hell our of his kitchen.

"And the goddammed game was yesterday." Sally continues. "You lost, but in the third quarter you tried to argue against a targeting call by explaining that the realities where this was targeting were far exceeded by the realities where it wasn't, so they should change the call. UNC is having a press conference tomorrow. You can't go out with Ricky anymore, Mack."

Aggies 35
Tar Heels 21

MIAMI VICE
Season '20, Episode 10

BY SHOOTER FLATCH

"Caught Between A Rock and Hard Place"

Detective Mond walks stylishly towards the sailboat parked at the end of the Miami marina. His partner Jimbo is sitting in his trademark teal t-shirt and white sport coat. He hasn't shaved in a few days and appears to have had another late night out on the town. His pet alligator, Rev, is casually laid out across the stern. A small Christmas tree lays on its side on the dock.

Mond: "Hey Jimbo, these late nights on South Beach are gonna kill you man. We've got business to take care of after New Year's. Our old nemesis, Diente Amarillos, is trying to make a big score. Movin' some pure Columbian booger sugar up through Miami and into the Carolina's."

Jimbo: "Does he still have that nimrod stepson Chris Jessie running his go-fast boats?"

Mond: "Nah man, he hasn't allowed that dude around his big moves ever since that screw-up in San Diego with the Sun Devil outfit."

Cut to a five minute montage of Jimbo and Mond cruising through Miami on their way to Hard Rock Stadium.

Jimbo: "You never should have come out of retirement, Brown. You had it made. Scored your big payday, sitting around on Friday nights, weaving those tales of years past. But you couldn't let it go. You're past your prime, but you got greedy. This game's too young for you now. This time, you're gonna pay."

Mack, wearing a baby blue onesie, belches, then slips out a squeaky fart and takes a long pull off a bottle of prune juice.

Mack: "Why do you talk so damn fast, I can barely understand you with myMiracle Ear turned all the way up. And I never retired. I was pushed out! But I'm not going down like this. You'll never take me alive."

Jimbo: "That shouldn't be a big deal, what are you, like 85 now you old bastard?!?"

About that time, Mond appears with his shotgun and unloads right over Mack's head. He probably didn't have his feet set, he does that sometimes, drives us all insane, but then the next play he'll hit a perfect pass down the seam and I mean...errr...where were we...oh yeah...Mack pisses his pants, trips over his HurryCane, The Aggies win, and everyone gets laid!!

Roll the credits.

WHO HAS MORE?

BY ROBERT BEHRENS

WHAT TO WATCH FOR: REDNECK ILLUMINATI

BY DR. NORRIS CAMACHO

Ladies and gents, get ready for a heaping helping of the gee-whillikers. These pressers are gonna be an avalanche of folksiness. You get Jimbo and Mack arguing in a loud room, that's gonna sound like an auction. Nonetheless, both of these hicks can flat-out coach. These guys have their respective machines humming along nicely in the early stages of their tenures, and this one should be a treat. Who wants that edge the most? Why, whoever dips deepest into their back of tricks, that's who. Mack Brown's got nothing to lose. Jimbo Fisher's got everything to prove. If that sounds like an '80s movie tagline, then it should: this is formulaic in the best way--full of chippiness and loaded with action. Folks, we didn't get all dressed up for nothin'.

PUNSPORTSMANLIKE CONDUCT

BY ROBERT BEHRENS

• When Texags does a documentary about the A&M program's ascension since the time Jimbo arrived, I expect it to be called "Orange is the new Belk."
• Based on Coach Fisher's juice preferences, the Aggies will beat North Carolina to a pulp.
• After A&M is done with them, I hope North Carolina's scar heals.
• Jayden Peevy and Bobby Brown look to put the UNC run game in a Miami vice.
• Beating the Aggies would be a kiwi-n for UNC. But with so many papayas opting out, the 12th Mango-na win the Orange Bowl.
• If #0 scores the Aggies' 10th touchdown and they miss the extra point, that would be very Ainias.
• The Tar Heels better hope Capital One is in their wallet because they're going to get denied by the ATM.
• Orange you glad we aren't wearing those alternate uniforms?

HOT REELZ

BY CUPPYCUP

ELSEWHERE IN THE SEC: HOLIDAY NEWSLETTER EDITION

BY DR. NORRIS CAMACHO

Felicitous Yuletide Salutations! We hope you are having as chipper and merry a Christmas as all of us. It's been a bit of a wild one this year, but our good ol' conference still managed to sneak a load of teams into the bowls anyway. Here's a quick roundup on how everyone's been this year:

Florida's had a pretty good one! Say what you will about their footwear etiquette, the Gators are never boring. Coach Mull and the boys will be visiting beautiful and historic Cowboys Stadium this year to say hi to great-granddude Jerry, who will be keeping a stern eye out for any Florida players trying to hit his precious GALAXYTRON with a well-placed shoe hurl.

Mississippi State offered to carpool with Florida since they're heading just down the road to Fort Worth, but Dan Mullen demurred when he learned that Mike Leach has now convinced himself he is Q and was planning on speaking at various East Texas Facebook group meetings along the way. Crazy Mike, eh!?

Arkansas showed signs of remembering how to play football this year, and as a result they've been rewarded with a trip to Houston that was eventually cancelled! (We didn't say they showed very many signs.)

Georgia will be staying home this year, playing host to their northern cousins who will enthusiastically wave massive tupperware containers of chili-doused spaghetti in their hosts' disinterested faces as they absently mime a golf swing.

Auburn will be heading down to Orlando to rub elbows with a bunch of Midwestern nerds. Fortunately the Tiger AD won't have to rely on Plan F any longer, which entailed stealing a robot janitor from Epcot Center and making it their new head coach.

Kentucky and Ole Miss also get to travel to Florida, so please don't buy their fans any more fleece products this year.

And of course Saint Nick himself will ring in January 1st by descending from Heaven upon high to its mirror-image counterpart here on Earth: Arlington, Texas.

Special love from all the gang and may Santa PAWL find your stockings warm and receptive. Happy Bowling!

New @captionedvideo: Here’s a bunch of people who, at some point, dismissed the idea of Jimbo Fisher taking the Texas A&M job #FSU #Tamu pic.twitter.com/qzeM0lQ6Sn

— Freezing Cold Takes (@OldTakesExposed) December 1, 2017