ABSURD GAME PREDICTION
Gus Malzahn drags a 15’ Douglas Fir through his living room door top first. There are pine needles and sap all over the grand entry hall to the Auburn Head Coach’s palatial estate, but there’s no time. We must decorate the tree as fast as possible. It’s an offensive philosophy.
His wife and children scramble and begin to toss ornaments and lights all over the tree with blinding speed. As the play clock winds to zero, Gus becomes infuriated that the star isn’t atop the tree. As he begins to rage-spike his visor, WAR EAGLE swoops through the door with the beautiful star in its talons. War Eagle lets out a tremendous screech and begins to place the star. Gus smiles knowing it will be a wonderful Christmas once all is in place and made just right.
Gus, the family, and War Eagle all sit on the couch admiring the tree and sipping hot chocolate. War Eagle added extra marshmallows to his. Gus begins to scroll through the the Hallmark Channel marking each movie as “record” on his DVR. War Eagle begins to molt in excitement for “The Shopkeeper’s Daughter VII: The Reckoning” which premiers later in the evening.
All of a sudden the family is jolted off the couch by the sound of glass shattering. As Gus turns to look, he sees Gene Chizik who has a fire in his eyes and nunchucks in each hand. He’s wearing a Cam Newton jersey t-shirt, jorts, and Auburn Crocs and is prepared to battle.
“ 私のチームを私から連れて行ってくれませんか、ガス？” says Chizik.
“Gene?” Gus responds, confused as he wasn’t aware his former boss was fluent in Japanese.
“ ウォーイーグル、あなたはかつて私の指揮下にあり、私たちは私たちの人々のために途方もない栄光を勝ち取りました。この詐欺師からオーバーンを奪還するので、私に加わってください!” Exclaims Chizik as War Eagle’s eyes begin to glow red.
Chizik spins his ‘chucks until flames emit from the ends. He brushes the outstretched branches of the Douglas Fir and it immediately ignites, sprouts arms, and joins Chizik. War Eagle obeys and perches on Gene’s left shoulder.
Gus begins to battle the triumvirate, hurling War Eagle into the flaming tree and sending it now featherless to the ground. Chizik removes a Croc and hurls it at Gus’s remote, deleting his entire DVR catalog of Hallmark Christmas movies. Shocked, Gus looks at Gene and says, “ これはあなたの最大の間違いです、古い神々に会う準備をしてください.”
Gus reaches back to throw a devastating punch, but he is suddenly frozen. He can’t punch. He looks back to see Cam Newton who is dressed in Stevie Ray Vaughn cosplay clutching his fist.
“You can’t win, Gus. The acid is wearing off,” explains Cam.
Gus is jolted awake inside of his Quality Inn and Suites hotel room ahead of the game against Texas A&M. His wifu pillow still by his side and the Hallmark Channel still on the hotel TV.
“Oh thank God,” sighs Gus. “The ass kicking is tomorrow.”
Aggies 35 Auburn 10
SHOOTER FLATCH WES & RUSH
R: Scattershooting while wondering whatever happened to predictability
W: You used to be able to kind of know where things were going. Like, “hey, it’s Monday. Today’s gonna be slow and weird getting back to work, but hey, there’s football on and whatnot.” Now it’s all, “We know not what day it is nor what sport shall enter the playoffs this evening. I have prepared my domicile with enough paper to clean my asshole for a decade yet, I have no food.”
R: The milkman, the paperboy, evening TV.
W: Do you think Danny Tanner woke up most mornings asking “What does it all mean? I live with 3 young daughters, and Elvis Impersonator whose sister I used to bone, and a guy who obviously fucks a woodchuck puppet. If this is it, I’ll just stay in the garage with the car on until they have to cut. Me. Out.”
R: Everywhere you look (everywhere you go)
W: There’s a heart, I need to hold on to. It’s in the freezer. I saved it after she passed on so I could forever keep her. Joey, do a voice for the heart. FUCKING DO IT
R: A hand to hold onto.
W: The FedEx guy is here at the complex, he has “White Christmas” turned up so loud I can clearly hear the lyrics through his truck and my apartment wall.
R: Everywhere you look
W: He’s delivering a severed hand for sure
R: There's a face
W: You know, they don’t do a lot with this obviously conservative family dealing with the ins and outs of San Francisco culture
R: Of somebody who needs you.
W: Could’ve been a much better show about how we all can live together in harmony, but instead we get “How rude”
R: When you're lost out there and you're all alone,
W: See, none of these people were lost out there or all alone. They all had a home, a family, careers, and ambition. This song is bullshit. I wanna see Joey get kicked out and have to live Walden-style with that fucking woodchuck for 5 seasons of psychological unraveling
R: A light is waiting to carry you home
W: Fuck you, Netflix. Pay me. It can be called WoodHouse and cross over with Archer
R: Everywhere you look...
W: There is no light. We all die eventually. Entropy is real.
WHO HAS MORE?
WHAT TO WATCH FOR: IMMOVABLE FORCE VS. RANDOMLY-MOVING OBJECTS
Folks, Texas A&M has the number one defense in the Southeastern Conference when it comes to total offense allowed per game. Number two in scoring defense. Number two in rushing yards allowed. Number four in passing yards allowed. No, you did not fall asleep on the couch during Thanksgiving and travel through a wormhole to the 1990s. This defense is very good!
Auburn is known for having a fast-paced, innovative, annoying-as-shit offense. Only this year, they are thoroughly middling in every category. They have been wildly inconsistent. They lost to SOUTH CAROLINA and then a couple of weeks later carved up LSU. Gus is growing madder by the day, tinkering in his church basement laboratory with pop pass concepts as his glass of takeout milk from Waffle House grows lukewarm, but to what end? We'll see Saturday if the Aggies' defensive performance against LSU was an anomaly or just a warm-up for the final run in December.
ELSEWHERE IN THE SEC
With Christmas just a few weeks away, the schedule continues to gift us wonderfully compelling matchups. This week, [TOP TEN TEAM] faces off against [SHITTY DIVISIONAL FOE THAT MAY ONCE HAVE BEEN CONSIDERED A RIVAL BUT IS JUST HAVING A TERRIBLE SEASON RIGHT NOW]. Will the [TIDE/GATORS/DAWGS] struggle, or continue hurtling towards their ultimate [PLAYOFFS/MUSIC CITY BOWL/EXISTENTIAL CRISIS] destinations? Tune in Saturday to [FIND OUT/FALL ASLEEP ON THE COUCH].