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THE TAILGATE: A Graphical Preview of Texas A&M vs. South Carolina

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[SANDSTORMING INTENSIFIES]

ABSURD GAME PREDICTION

Muschamp hears the dishwasher finish and frantically sprints to open it. His fleshlight is warm and clean for it is game day. His brunch guests are horrified.

"WHAT? CAN'T A MAN CLEAN HIS MISTRESS WITHOUT JUDGEMENT???" he exclaims, kicking over a table.

Muschamp rolls his eyes at the guest, retreats to his room, and cries.

"THEY DON'T UNDERSTAND YOU" Mushcamp whispers into his silicone friend. "THEY DON'T UNDERSTAND US"

The fleshlight becomes a cartoon character, sprouts legs, and begins to talk. You know what part it's talking with, don't make me say it.

"Will, it's OK!" the Fleshlight says in a voice that sounds like Goofy has huffed helium. "The acid is kicking in!"

Mushamp, now brighter in mood, runs to his closet to grab his hedgehog suit and Trump flag.

"LET'S DO THIS, WILLIAMS-BRICE" he says to the fleshlight. That's its name because it holds a bunch of Cocks. I did all of that to make this joke. Have a nice day.

Aggies 35
Cocks 17

Coach Boom
by Shooter Flatch

SCATTERSHOOTING

Scattershooting while wondering whatever happened to Deuce Staley...

- Listen gang, I know this season is beyond normal, but Texas A&M is entering the month of November with legitimate important football games ahead of us. I don't have a clue how this will shake out, but as a fan, that's really all I want. Meaningful football late in the fall. Enjoy. The. Ride.

- I'm sure we'll hear it repeated on the TV broadcast Saturday, but Coach Boom and Jimbo used to own a beach house in Pensacola together back in the day. Here's a quick list of the items found when the house was sold:

  • Incredible Hulk linens in the Master Bedroom,
  • a swimsuit poster of Farah Fawcett autographed by Tommy Bowden,
  • a Sports Illustrated football phone,
  • a Jimmy Buffett Havana Daydreamin’ cassette tape,
  • a gallon jar of Tums,
  • a jet ski rental agreement with Nick Saban listed as emergency contact,
  • an 18 pack of Bud Light,
  • and a busted up drawing stand for the game of Pictionary.


- Rick Neuheisel is the stepdad I always wanted.

- We have the return of late-night Pac-12 games this Saturday aka the Degenerate Gambler’s Delight. Had a rough day wagering on CFB? Not to fear, let your mind marinate in that bourbon and throw down on that Wazzu-Oregon State 9:30 pm kick with a clean-up bet.

- Just a reminder, when the leaves start to turn, it’s officially Dopplebock season.

- Tom Herman is just John Mackovic with shitty hair.

- I expect Saturday’s game to feature a healthy dose of RUN THE DAMN BALL, so be sure to powder up with plenty of Gold Bond before settling in front of the TV.


WHO MAS MORE?


GREAT MOMENTS IN THE JOHN BONHAM TROPHY HISTORY

No one is quite sure why this rivalry trophy is named after Led Zeppelin's drummer, but that's just one of the quirky things that makes college football so great! Let's recap the last half-dozen meetings in tune:

  • November 16, 2019: TRAMPLED UNDER FOOT: 319 rushing yards'll do that. The Gamecocks failed to score a TD in last year's 30-6 show.
  • October 13, 2018: HEARTBREAKER: oooh, so close. To lose 26-23 to a very hot November Aggie squad must have hurt.
  • September 30, 2017: NOBODY'S FAULT BUT MINE: Down 17-7 with one minute left in the third quarter, the Aggies won this one 24-17.
  • October 1, 2016: WHAT IS AND WHAT SHOULD NEVER BE: Like so many Will Muschamp-coached games, this one ended 24-13 in favor of the other team.
  • October 31, 2015: DAZED & CONFUSED: glow-in-the-dark uniforms for a morning game? South Carolina never stood a chance. 35-28 Ags.
  • August 28, 2014: NO QUARTER: It was supposed to be easier for everyone without Manziel. What happened? 52-28 Ags.

ELSEWHERE IN THE SEC

Paul “Bear” Bryant composes HOT tweets from Junction, TX



(5)Georgia vs (8)Florida | 2:30 PM | CBS | Jacksonville

Folks, it looks like The World's Largest Outdoor COVCocktail Party is the main game in town this week. From a West perspective there's nothing really at stake for Texas A&M, other than the most treasured of college football traditions: convoluted transitive deduction.

Do we want Florida to beat Georgia so that our win against the Gators makes us look that much better? Or do we want Georgia to win out so that our records are comparable towards the end of the year until the DWAGS lose again in the SEC Championship Game?

These are the futile and worthless questions that often plague our very souls heading into a football game. Be sure to visit this super advanced super stats site for all the answers. If you want my free advice? Just watch it for the plentiful dumb stuff and enjoy yourselves.

Chip Tweets